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Autistic son hurting Dad in meltdowns

NAS95194

During meltdowns my 6 year old will always focus all his anger and aggression on his Dad. He will go out of his way to try and find him in the house or follow him around the house (if his Dad tries to move away) to carry on hitting him. The advice we have been given is to keep him in a safe place during meltdowns but he won't stay in one place, he just wants to be hitting his Dad. So far the various professionals that I have spoken to about aggressive meltdowns have said all we can do during an aggressive meltdown is wait for him to calm down. One professional suggested my husband holds a cushion to protect himself (but that seems to make my son even angrier and he'll just try to move around to hit his Dad on a side not protected by the cushion.). My mother in law suggested that (if I am home) my husband should lock himself out in the garden during aggressive meltdowns so that our son can't get to him. When he tried this, our son was then thumping on the door trying to get to his Dad and I was worried he was going to hurt himself.

I am worried about both my son and his Dad. Mentally it is very draining and stressful but it is obviously really upsetting for my husband to be constantly be on the end of such aggression from our son. One professional said eventually as our son gets older, he will grow out of this aggression but then other information packs have said that if the aggression isn't treated at a young age it will get worse as they get older. Outside of his meltdowns he is the most loving child and is really affectionate to both of us. 

Has anyone experienced this and does anyone have any advice? I have tried speaking to a GP once about his aggressive meltdowns but was basically told that they wouldn't do anything about behaviour at home, only any behaviours that occurred at school that were affecting his education. 

  • Health professionals can be great for informing on the intricacies of autism. But they're only going to be able to offer a very limited kind of advice for what to actually do about a problem. They don't have the personal insight to your family dymanic, so what they tell you to do can be ineffective for your family. That's why, as many here will tell you, understanding is key. It's good to want to know more about what your son's going through. But what you do with that is going to have to take your personal circumstances into consideration.

    In this case, you have a son who chooses to vent his frustrations on his father. None of us here can give you a guarantee of why this is. We can only offer you things to look for.

    This is an anecdote that is in no way an endorsement of method. Simply a perspective from a former child who had plenty of autistic meltdowns. My sister was obsessed with High School Musical, to the point for me that just hearing one of the songs was enough to start a meltdown. I shouted something regrettable at my sister, which my dad overheard. He clipped me over the head for it, which is the only time he ever physically reprimanded me. And it was the last time I ever did anything that called for it. Not because I was afraid of him, but because someone had finally drawn the line for me on my behaviour in a way I understood.

    Again, not an endorsement. I'm just saying that what got through to me was something no health care professional would recommend in this day and age. You're going to have to find your own best way to get through to your son that his father isn't his punching bag. By all means deepen your understanding of what's going on. Once you know enough, you and the boy's father will probably know better what to do than most anyone else. This is your family, after all.

  • I'm afraid the child's aggression isn't the problem. Your child is responding to something causing him pain and pushing him beyond a limit. It may become crucial to not focus on his behaviour and begin to take note of everything leading up to this expression and breakdown. 

    Often children will look to the same sex parent for help in their 'becoming' when over the edge, as it's a Very Vulnerable state. But it's also important to ask if there is something his father is doing to antagonise his son - and sometimes by accident or misunderstanding. Autism is a difference in communication. We use language different and are not socialised the same. We don't' filter out external sensory perception the same (most cannot dull their senses or desensitise), and interruptions to a flow (autistic inertia) are like waking a sleepwalker. 

    A whole mess of sensory overload can build up that you might not notice: harsh unnatural lighting, like LEDs which can also give off irritating high pitched buzzing, appliances making painful sounds which bounce off of poor acoustics or are carried through walls, polyester clothing (which is plastic) can cause the body to have trouble regulating temperature and it's hard to stop paying attention internally, if one has 4 cones or heightened sense of colour, certain pigments can be painful... the list goes on. And then there's potential dietary issues due to all this research revealing a difference in biology, some of which we'll know better about now as it looks similar to microbiota issues long covid patients have.

     Any number of things can create an overload, and then just one dynamic might be the last straw. And it could be as simple as needing his father to keep him safe from the chaos around, but your husband might not be recognising what his son needs and end up doing the opposite, which would sever trust, safety, and send any child in a breakdown. As mentioned, it could be this loss in translation.

    Could you set up some kind of way to channel frustrations? Obviously its better to reduce impact before it becomes unbearable for your child, but even a punching bag father and son can have a go at together every day after school before there's a situation could become a new direction if it keeps happening. 

  • in reply to Uhane

    Hi I am new to the forum, but yes we also experience this, where Dad is the target of his anger.  I have also been told he will ‘grow out of it’ but it’s so upsetting.  He also is really affectionate is really loving.  I’m sorry I don’t have any advice.  I just continue to explain that it hurts Dad and is not acceptable and he has consequences for this too, but in all honesty it doesn’t seem to bother him and he just rides his consequences out.  I just wanted you to know you are not alone in this 

  • If he is a speaker...

    Has anyone asked him (the son) why he focuses on the dad?

    Ask him when the dad is not around.

    Or have a neutral, non judgemental 3rd party ask when neither parent is around.

    Don't try to reason with the son about whether his own inner reasoning is right or wrong, just listen and learn.

  • I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. Whilst I can't offer any advice based on personal experience, you might find some of the information here helpful:

    NAS - Distressed behaviour (perhaps including under "Strategies to try" and "Support for you as a parent/carer")

    Challenging Behaviour Foundation - for family carers

    NAS - Meltdowns