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Son really struggling in social situations

Wze87

Hi all,

My 7 year old son has recently been diagnosed with ASD. He really struggles in social situations like birthday parties, he doesn't join in and won't go off and play unless I'm constantly by his side. If I go to sit down to talk to other parents he follows me and this can also lead to him having a meltdown but he's quite happily playing if I'm close to him. He's the same at any social setting ie playdates with other children. He doesn't feel comfortable going off with other children unless he has either me or a trusted adult by his side too. I feel like all the other parents are sitting down chatting to each other while I'm sticking with him to avoid a meltdown. It can become very lonely. He struggles with anxiety too.

I was wondering if anyone else had been in a similar situation and can offer any advice? 

Parents

  • Both my children (both autistic - now young adults) struggled in this way as children. I spent a lot of time trying to gently encourage them to ‘join in’ with other children at children’s parties - and it was a very stressful thing all round - for them because they hated these parties, and also for me because I just didn’t know how best to help them. I felt quite awkward myself as I felt everyone was judging us (although in truth I can’t be sure that they were). The whole thing was so uncomfortable - and also quite upsetting. I felt like a failure as a parent - but worse than that I was so worried that my children couldn’t seem to do what all the other children seemed to do so easily. 
    In retrospect I now realise that I could have spared us all a lot of stress by just accepting that my children didn’t like children’s parties, and also were not happy in social situations with many children. At the time I didn’t know they were autistic (my youngest was diagnosed at 10 and my eldest not til his early 20s) so I didn’t really have a clue as to why they were struggling so much. I think I blamed myself and worried that I’d done something wrong, 

    Also I also struggled with social situations (I coped but relied on a glass of wine to help me to relax). I’ve since also been diagnosed as autistic. 
    I think our lives would have been a lot easier if we’d stopped trying to force ourselves to be ‘normal’ and to try to like thinks that we simply did not like. However good your intentions you are not going to be able to ‘make’ your child like noisy parties and social occasions. If I could go back in time I would take the pressure off (off them and off me) to ‘be like everybody else’. Embrace who your child is - embrace their OWN qualities - rather than attempting to have them have the qualities that other children have. Truly ACCEPT who your children are - if they don’t like birthday parties - so what? Maybe they have other things that they love and enjoy. For example my eldest hated parties but loved books - and now he’s got a pretty good academic career - and a girlfriend who is also bookish and a little shy. But they are happy because they are being themselves - their TRUE selves - and not trying to be something they are not. To me this is the key to happiness. 

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  • Both my children (both autistic - now young adults) struggled in this way as children. I spent a lot of time trying to gently encourage them to ‘join in’ with other children at children’s parties - and it was a very stressful thing all round - for them because they hated these parties, and also for me because I just didn’t know how best to help them. I felt quite awkward myself as I felt everyone was judging us (although in truth I can’t be sure that they were). The whole thing was so uncomfortable - and also quite upsetting. I felt like a failure as a parent - but worse than that I was so worried that my children couldn’t seem to do what all the other children seemed to do so easily. 
    In retrospect I now realise that I could have spared us all a lot of stress by just accepting that my children didn’t like children’s parties, and also were not happy in social situations with many children. At the time I didn’t know they were autistic (my youngest was diagnosed at 10 and my eldest not til his early 20s) so I didn’t really have a clue as to why they were struggling so much. I think I blamed myself and worried that I’d done something wrong, 

    Also I also struggled with social situations (I coped but relied on a glass of wine to help me to relax). I’ve since also been diagnosed as autistic. 
    I think our lives would have been a lot easier if we’d stopped trying to force ourselves to be ‘normal’ and to try to like thinks that we simply did not like. However good your intentions you are not going to be able to ‘make’ your child like noisy parties and social occasions. If I could go back in time I would take the pressure off (off them and off me) to ‘be like everybody else’. Embrace who your child is - embrace their OWN qualities - rather than attempting to have them have the qualities that other children have. Truly ACCEPT who your children are - if they don’t like birthday parties - so what? Maybe they have other things that they love and enjoy. For example my eldest hated parties but loved books - and now he’s got a pretty good academic career - and a girlfriend who is also bookish and a little shy. But they are happy because they are being themselves - their TRUE selves - and not trying to be something they are not. To me this is the key to happiness. 

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