Autistic child living away from home abusive help

I hear you. This is hard. You can't force a process, only do your part. So, let's say I had visiting rights 2x a week. I would just show up and just be there, even if I'm sat out side. Continue to let her know regardless of her influences that you're there for her. It can be her job to be mad at you (which is the external expression of hurt - some of it will be the result of actual distance and disconnect and some of it from lies she's being told). Just prove to her you're dependable. 

Everyone processes this different. Some cry, some self-hurt, some get angry and so on. It's better she vent at you and not self-harm. Sometimes the battles are just picking the better of 2 evils. This will take a long time to mend and heal and recover from, I don't want to lie. This is a very hard situation, the trick with having patience through it, is to envision the future life you want and do your part diligently to get there. 

There really is no normal here. There is too much hurt and brokenness and these things need to be expressed and then mended, which cannot start until everyone is in a safe and supportive place. The most important thing is to be available, but never force connexion. 

Thanks for the advice the issue is she is refusing to contact me talk to me she pretty much ignores me or growls at me or well in total the only interaction I get is somthing unpleasant the nans saying because she's autistic it's normal I don't agree as my other kid us autistic he knows this sort of behaviour isn't ok nans enabling the behaviour by saying its OK too it's do frustrating 

I'm hoping if I inform social I may be able to get visitation center contact ordered for myself I want somone impartial to see what's happening and the language used my daughters autism is such that what I believe to be taught behaviour should be impossible to mask  

Gosh, sorry to hear all this. There's a lot here. My grandmother would always say: Children will recover. They can have a lot more resilience than adults.

But, kids need their parents - full stop. And we never stop needing them. 

This sounds like a battle, but I went through some difficult times with my son and his father doing the same. It is steadfastness and reliability that proves one is trust-worthy and that is one part of what they will need. Only heartbreak comes from a severed connexion between parent and child, regardless of who does it, and weathering that storm takes time. Sometimes in to adulthood. Repairing things is harder than the effort to not break them.

When I was a young mum, I was given a few great pieces of advice. One is Self-Care. And our children learn by watching us. We need to allow ourselves time to mend, to learn to assert boundaries and stay as healthy as possible. The second is to always take note when I suddenly feel offended (by anyone but especially) by my child. This 'sensation' can mark where a perspective or understanding is in need of growth. Everyone experiences all kinds of selfish and dark thoughts - it's what you do with them that matters. As a parent, our job is to support our kids, not compete with them. Build a platform for them to jump from. However, offence is one effect of competition, not care-giving or connexion. And they are not our equals. Allowing an encounter with ourselves in these moments feels terrifying, but once I started realising it's simply like feeling for a door in the dark, I began to welcome the experience. 

And then problem-solving with children can be long-suffering work. But it sounds like you're getting though it. Some of the absolute best phrases I've learned involve "How Can I Help" and "What do you need from me". And then "I am sorry you're experiencing this. I want to make it better". Any form of Help me Help you is what counts.

We're not super human, we also have our limits, but if you can, allow them to voice their hurt, and be open about making every effort to solve problems. But, I've found it best to resist dwelling on my failures or talking negative about the other parent/guardian in front of them. These two things can come across as if dismissive - even though that's not the intention. Shifting blame can make it sound like I don't intend to be responsible  and dwelling on my failures can make it sound like I want to talk about me instead.

I say this because it's crucial to allow our kids to feel heard. The more they feel they can voice their brokenness, the less often they'll do it. Similarly, meeting their needs absolutely immediately, results in them needing less. We're often taught these things backwards. Sometimes we just have to do the Opposite of impulse.

At some point, your relationship with your kids will be stronger than ever and you won't ever have to see or tolerate these others they're related to. I've done a great deal of self-directed study over the years into finding my own ground, a sense of spiritual self, and understanding human psychology (though I've always appreciated certain philosophers and sound wisdom). And these have helped, as my son grew up and started seeing things for how they actually were. Which meant just being there for him along this journey, too. He sometimes remarks at how I just absorbed his dark emo teenage years. But who else will offer him safety at his worst? 

My "modus operandi" as a parent has always been: Trust is earned, Respect is given and never sever Communication/Connexion. 

NAS95326 said:

I'm worried my daughter thinks im a monster because other people (nan) is telling her I am

This is a risk when you are out of the equation and the person has both a vendetta and opportunity to get at you through someone else.

I'm sorry you have had to go through all this.

NAS95326 said:

I want to get social care involves due to the fact I think the behaviour and attitude is being taught my daughter by her nan and I think that's a foam of mental abuse

I would speak to them about this to establish if this is considered grounds enough for action - it may not be as it is very hard to prove and subjective as well.

Can you record things to supply as evidence? If it becomes a "he said, she said" situation then it is not likely to go anywhere but if you can prove your youngest has been told lies that you can disprove and that your daughter says came from her nan then you have the beginnings of a case, otherwise I think it will be too complex to prove.

I'm just trying to manage your expectations here.

Longer term the best you can do for all the children is be genuine, loving (in spite of their attitude to you) and show them that you are a decent person. Once they start to realise they have been lied to this should go a long way to making them re-examine all they were told by their guardians and hopefully cause that relationship to be rebalanced too.

It is a long road ahead and will be difficult at times so please keep in touch here and we can support you along the way,

Monster not master my spelling is bad 

Hi so the situation with my eldest twos dad was very toxic to a point he totally stole the children away and actually warped my children's perception of me I had no contact for years and they the eldest now is home with me and the boy has has specialist intervention to deal with what he was put through me and the eldest two have good relationship now after being estranged their dad was abusive to me used the kids as weapons and didn't care how the children were affected I just got that all calm and nice 

The youngest one who lives with nan has a different dad me and her dad get on well but the nan seems to hate me and I believe she's now trying to pull the same stuff that my ex did with my other kids 

I'm sick of people using my kids as weapons and it's currently the youngest child who I believe is voicing her nans opinions buts it's getting really nasty 

The eldest two are no longer in dad's care but I've had these sort of stuff where people who have had and ment to be looking after my kids have used them to hurt me 

So it's two desperate people who have alienated and bullied me using the children the first is resolved the youngest is being vile and I genuinely am.struggling to cope with it I feel like she's being taught to hate me because the nan doesn't like me it would also maybe worth mentioning that I believe nan is also possibly autistic or has some form of disorder too as unless omthing directly affects her she has a total lack of empathy towards people who are not directly with her or would affect her life

I want to get social care involves due to the fact I think the behaviour and attitude is being taught my daughter by her nan and I think that's a foam of mental abuse my eldest two went thru this at the hands of their dad and it took over 6 years for my kids to realize I'm not the master he made me out to be I'm worried my daughter thinks im a monster because other people (nan) is telling her I am I'm tired of being bullied 

I'm a good mom I just get unwell with a condition that makes me very tired but I do love my kids I just seem to have had social workers place my children with highly vile people

NAS95326 said:

she said I didn't treat them equally

You treated them fairly though - this is much more important. Is there conflict between the 2 daughters that would stop her wanting her sister from receiving your help?

I would recommend recording some of the calls in case you need evidence later on to prove your side of things.

NAS95326 said:

I went through this treatment at the hands of my eldest daughter and my sons dad basically parental alienation bullying and abuse

I don't understand what you mean here. Is the father of your son and youngest daughter abusing you too?

NAS95326 said:

Child's dad doesn't want me to co tact social workers

Why would you need to contact social workers? Is this to protect yourself from abuse? Is it to do something about the youngest daughter who is abusing you?

I think it would help if you can clarify who is causing the problems and why you need help.

I think it only fair to stop anyone who is abusing you from visiting your home. If your other family want to meet the oldest daughter and grandchild then they can do this outside - your home, your rules.

Sorry to push this back but I'm confused when reading this so it would be easier to offer suggestions if we can work out what the issue is and who is causing it.

I appreciate it can be painful to go through this again but I hope we can give you some pointers once we get a clearer picture of what you need.

Anyone ?