Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi first time on one of these forums but like everyone looking for advice and how best to give support. My 19 year old son has recently been diagnosed with ASD. He has had emotional meltdowns for years but only at home, it has been difficult for us all at times. As a divorced/single Mum I have tried to manage I suppose the situation,doing all the things I’m can do to help my son, endless reading and strategies. Meltdowns have frequently happened, at times this has resulted in me being physically hurt. In school he was a very well behaved, very quiet student. He did get GCSEs and Alevels not high grades but he got them. He got a place in uni not his chosen offered uni as he did not get the grades needed but got a place through clearing. He went, this is what he wanted to do. He was in a shared flat but this didn’t work out, he isolated himself saying everyone ignored him. I think he stayed in room all the time only going to get something to eat when everyone had gone out. He struggled but still carried on, he wasn’t diagnosed at this time. I tried to get help from uni but unless he went to them himself they would not do anything. When he came back at Christmas we arranged for him to go back to a single flat. That was better at least he was eating and cooking for himself. He struggled to make friends, mainly staying in flat, he would come back more at weekends. University was what he wanted to do.
He was still determined to try and apply for second year at the university he first hoped for (obsessively -everything would be better there) I believed he was completing course ok. He clearly was not happy where he was. He then had an assessment in April and was diagnosed with ASD, he had been on waiting list for 2 years.
He is home for the Summer has had his results for the first year and has failed all the modules apart from one where he just barely passed. So this is the end of his place at university.
He still believes he can go to his hoped for uni. This will not happen, I am unable to discuss anything with him as he is going emotionally from 0-100. It is all everyone else’s fault, the school, me, his brother. He needs to speak to someone a psychologist, get help for his emotions, there is only me and the situation could get out of hand. I don’t know where to get help. The ASD assessment only offered diagnosis some advice on autism but not therapy.
I am struggling personally as I am exhausted mentally by it now. I had a full on anxiety shaking attack the other day, something I haven’t had since my divorce years ago. I’m worried I haven’t got the strength I had to give the support my son. . I can’t keep walking on egg shells, worried about triggers and his emotions getting out of control and the consequences of that. I tried to get help for son over the years but told everything is fine. I have looked through the bacp list and there are so many therapists. I just don’t know where to go really. I have been told It is better to get a therapist who has ASD. We are in south Wales, Gloucester, Bristol area. He needs also to meet people as he has no friends. I’m thinking walking groups, I know this helps immensely and I go on big hikes as much as possible with him but he needs others to do it with not his Mum all the time.
My son is a fantastic, lovely young man and we all as a family just want to help him.
Has he asked the university about resits? From memory, a student has to pay for the resit themselves, but not passing isn't the end of the world. I know it is when we are catastrophising... but there are options, if he can work out the barriers to learning. There are a number of small adjustments that can be made, but he has to do a certain amount of figuring it out on his own. He might even have to figure out how to teach himself, which a lot of ND people do. Usually first year results don't count towards the final degree classification, as long as you pass them, it doesn't matter if you pass with 41% or 100%, first time or 3rd time. Usually the results for years 3 & 4 (Scotland) and years 2 & 3 (England) count to the classification, as they are averaged out with greater weight towards the final year. The hoped for uni might not be a realistic option, but the uni does try to keep students and support them, so it may be worth getting advice from the one he is registered with. As he is adult, he should be doing that himself, unless there is some kind of legal arrangement needed for you to do it instead.
Has he registered with the student disability service? You don't need a diagnosis to contact them, and they are able to refer for some learning conditions (e.g. dyslexia). They can suggest adjustments to make studying equitable. They would be able to help applying for Disabled Student's Allowance which helps paying for adjustments like proof-reading or mentoring. Ideally you should get in touch with them as early as possible; most services are stretched thin and have waiting lists for appointments.
Take some time for yourself, too.
Welcome to the forum and I'm sorry to hear the situation has turned this way for you and your son.
NAS95070 said:I don’t know where to get help. The ASD assessment only offered diagnosis some advice on autism but not therapy.
This is true. You could look to see if there are any autism groups in your area that may help but chances are if he needs therapy then it will have to be private. At arounf £50 an hour for an afforfable one this is not cheap.
If you chose to do this, find a certified therapist with experience of working with autistic patients - they do not have to be autistic themselves but need to have ideally hundreds of hours of experience in dealing with our issues.
Your son is clearly in denial so it may be a case that you need to wait until he gets the rejection letters for him to accept that he is not going to be able to do this.
From that point he will probably get depressed so I would consider what you can do immediately to help lift him up a bit and work on plan B which in reality is probably getting a job. If you have a therapist in mind then I would get them working with him around this time.
If you have any family members who he has an affinity with (the cool uncle etc) then try to have them visit around this time too - give them a brief overview of the situation and say your son may just need someone to talk with. It will really help if they understand the basics of autism.
What are his special interests? If he can find a position working with these then it should have a positive effect.
Going to club events around these interests is a good way for him to make friends.
Thanks for looking out for him - I too flunked my first year at uni, largely because I found women and booze to be terrible distractions but that is a different story. I managed to retake my exams and get into the next year.