Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I suspect my 10 y/o daughter is autistic and I'm looking for advice on 1) how to start the process of getting a diagnosis 2) whether it's necessary and 3) most importantly, how to explain it to her or get her on board. It's something I've been exploring and mulling over to myself, but haven't yet broached the subject with her at all for fear of upsetting her at what is already a sensitive developmental age.She is bright and articulate and generally does really well at school, however over the past couple of years I've increasingly noticed she is lagging behind her peers in terms of basic independence and in navigating social dynamics. She also has some sensory challenges that get worse when she's anxious/tired, and struggles with changes to established plans to routines. Because she "passes" most of the time and performs well at school I am on the fence about whether we need a diagnosis at all. However, I do feel like our entire family life revolves around her sensitivities and moods, and sometimes her behaviour causes problems in her friend group - it could be helpful for her (and me!) to be able to make sense of her difficulties.
She generally responds badly to any suggestion of seeing a doctor for physical issues, so I'm nervous about having the conversation with her - and would like to have a potential appointment set up for if/when we do discuss it. Any advice on gentle words to use to explain my thinking to her and present it in a positive light?
I would try to present autism as something positive with autistic exemplars, such as the richest man in the world, Elon Musk, actress Daryl Hannah, actor Sir Anthony Hopkins etc. Also mention that some of the greatest people in history had definite autistic traits: Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, Mozart, Michelangelo and Picasso. Quite a prestigious club to be in.
Have a look at the diagnostic manuals for autism - can be found online - pick out some of the diagnostic traits and convert them into things that your daughter can understand, and ask her if they describe her and her behaviour. If you can get her to identify with the diagnostic traits of autism. you will have got her on-side without having to use the 'A' word.
Thank you @Martin I suppose one thing I'm struggling is, is what is the benefit of this knowledge or diagnosis, from her perspective? Knowing what a slog it could be to get a diagnosis, what support would she even receive, if anything? Is it enough to have a conversation about it and keep it as something we know and understand as a family?
I can only say that without a clinical diagnosis your daughter will not get any specialised help or accommodations at school. Such aid can be very valuable, as school is, generally speaking, uncomfortable, if not unbearable, for autistic children. I can speak first hand, I hated, loathed and feared school for all of my schooldays, even though I was academically very able. It isn't often the learning and being taught that is difficult for autistic children, it is the forced interactions with far too many people and sensory problems in the classroom that are problematic.
I am an autistic, diagnosed at 59, my daughter was diagnosed at 19, while at university. I, of course. went through schooling, university and work without any accommodations, as I had no idea that I was autistic. My daughter is convinced that the accommodations she received in her degree course made the difference between her staying on the course and dropping out. In the end she gained a first class chemistry degree, came top of her year and won a Royal Society of Chemistry prize.
Schools, universities and workplaces are all obliged by law to offer accommodations to autistic people, as it is classed as a disability. Without a diagnosis an autistic person is denied things that can and do make life easier. Life is difficult enough for autistic people, anything that can make it easier should be embraced.
I would add that no autistic person is obliged to tell a prospective employer, or anyone else, about their diagnosis. Any such disclosure should be treated as confidential by occupational health, HR departments and line managers.