Published on 12, July, 2020
We have 5 year old boys, one diagnosed with autism. We’re having really big challenges regulating their emotions, particularly when they become angry and frustrated with things - resulting in anger, hitting, kicking, throwing things and spitting, with the added dynamic that they egg each other on. Has anyone experienced this with twins or similar aged children? How do you manage it apart from to split them up?
I want to say, there are some opposing differences to be aware of. Let's call your Autistic Twin A and the Non-Au Twin N.
A might thrive in focused attention for long periods of time. N would wish for loads of social play. A might be more interested in studying the physical world. N might be more interested in playing games together. A may need much slower transitions than N. And our current society is designed for continually outputting sensory overload which excites Non-Au's, but can be overbearing to us. N may love team sport, A may prefer a skateboard or judo. And so on...
This can be tricky as it can take a long time to understand the differences in neurotypes and not be completely appalled by another's behaviour / being! I'm sure they love each other, but the main difference will have to do with language and how we're socially - somewhat programmed - to be with others in the world.
Autistics communicate different. I was undiagnosed much of my life and found the world around irrational, performative and unethical. And others found me lacking intention, irritating, accused of things I couldn't have dreamed up! There's a different motive with Autistics and when young, we don't realise something of how psychology works, the pressures and difficulties everyone is trying to work with or around.
Autistics don't filter out the same as non-autistics, so everything feels intense, turned up to 11. Therefore, when we respond appropriately, at just as severe and intensity, it appears like emotional regulation. But really, it's a difference with our Salience Network. Small betrayals are large, subtle cruelties are world ending. The Bayesian Theory talks of this in regards to a difficulty predicting the world as everything feels too real, too novel. Further investigation and it's often social situations that are beyond prediction once we feel we can rely on seasons to change, trees to grow and birdsong to wake us up. But since we also don't learn nuances in social linguistics, but rather tend to use vocabulary for a base function, we can experience a great deal of miscommunication which hurts.
However, for many autistics, it is interruption which is like waking a sleepwalker. From out of the blue false accusations to someone short circuiting a flow by demanding our attention, stealing a toy, toppling something we were building. "Autistic Inertia" explains a big part of how we can eventually become a valuable asset to a company, if allowed to spend quality time in this state. We need longer transitions and help setting boundaries to be by ourselves uninterrupted. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUFDAevkd3E