Masking

Yes I understand..in fact I think that's fairly common in being diagnosed late as.my son diagnosed at 18 and like you say they learn to mask as they're not given any other option ...but  it's actually dangerous in the respect that you'll be with them and forget they're autistic..and then boom something goes horribly wrong which serves as a reminder that they have autism so yes i understand. It's really hard because a lot of times they don't want to listen to there parents..mind you what child does when they're at  that age..the only thing I can think of is to get him to listen to others like himself on how they found and navigated the world  being an adolescent and the choices they made..it's helped my son a bit in that he watches you tube video if other autistic people telling of there experience and the choices they made and how it's been for them....he currently now knows he has to find the environment that suits him ie he needs quite places etc..its important your son recognise his diagnosis as then he can know how to move forward...it's very hard and I had a very difficult time.with my son when he was diagnosed and in fact it took 5 yrs until he actually came out of denial about it and when he did he got dangerously depressed...I'd even recommend getting him professional help..as.its really a very delicate matter.

What does he want to do? What does he enjoy, or what might he be good at? 

I have a half sibling who is the same. Eventually I spoke with her dad and suggested he help her follow her dreams by starting a course on the subject. This allows her to learn something and keep growing while feeling a sense of accomplishment in a direction she hopes to go. My argument here was that it can't harm and if anything, she'll be a wee bit smarter.

I was also in the same boat at 28. But my talents had been completely overlooked. No one knew I had potential for the career I found myself in. But I also had to sort out my diet, take a hormone balancing multi and something to boost GABA (now I take a nootropics blend for this). I had more clarity and better gut-health which had been affecting my ability to focus. My mother kept directing me toward extroverted jobs, but I discovered around 28 that I was actually quite good in an editing suite and in creative technical roles. We grew up quite poor, so I think this was part of it. 

I might be guessing wrong here but maybe try to find any connections between the jobs he is interested in that he seems to not be suited for.

There is a chance that what they have in common could help you understand why he chooses them, and even find what is actually of real interest to him.

For example I always ended up being a server and I am terrible at it. I also created accidents and would get severe anxiety working at places where I was supposed to work so fast with many different people. I realized I tend to reach for such jobs ( and also always to get selected for them ) because I wish to work somewhere where I can help others. But I chose to do this the wrong way. There are many ways to be who you are meant to be, I think. Eventually I had to stop working at cafés, pubs and phone service. I am now a teacher. 

I would have never guessed that this was what I wanted to do, but something in me was pulling me towards helping people by serving drinks. I just had to find an alternative. Maybe your son needs to swift his perspective a bit to find his calling.

About the masking, I think every person must find ways to deal with that themselves. It is a very personal thing and even acceptance might take a while, especially if he is still young and trying to find his own way.

Good luck to both of you!

I'm so sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing with your son. It can be incredibly difficult to see a loved one struggle with their diagnosis, especially when it affects their work and overall well-being.

It sounds like your son is facing a common dilemma that many of us with ASD experience - wanting to fit into the neurotypical world while masking our true selves. It's how so many of us get through life. 

One approach that may be helpful is to have an open and honest conversation with your son about his diagnosis and how it impacts his work. Encourage him to embrace his strengths and be open about his challenges with potential employers.

It may also be beneficial to seek out career counseling or vocational training programs that specialize in supporting individuals with ASD. These resources can help him identify realistic work opportunities that align with his skills and interests, as well as provide guidance on navigating the workplace as someone with ASD.

Remember, it's important to approach this conversation with empathy and understanding. Your son may be feeling overwhelmed or uncertain about how to navigate the challenges he's facing. By offering your support and guidance, you can help him build the confidence and self-awareness needed to succeed in the workplace while staying true to himself.

Good luck! I hope everything works out OK in the end.

Best wishes, 

Rayann x

I'm in exactly the same boat. He is the way he is and sees no reason to change. I've tried the carrot and the stick but to no avail.

I've organised him help and training but he doesn't attend or cooperate. 

I suppose it as the old saying goes " you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink".

I think gentle coaxing, making it his idea to change is the only way forward.

I had similar experience with the difference that I didn’t know my entire life, why I’m different. Since I explored the condition enough and got enough confirmation that this is me, I started thinking seriously, where do I actually fit and what should I do. I stopped caring what others expect me to do (as my job) but what suits me. Maybe your son needs help to figure out what he actually wants to do in life. Is he satisfied with the jobs despite his boss not being satisfied with him? Is he doing that only to fit in? Maybe he needs help to accept himself the way he is. Maybe meeting other autistic people would help him if he has not met anyone like him yet? Does he have a therapy? 
Heavy masking often leads to burn out.