Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, first time post here. I would really appreciate some help as I don't know where to go for advice. To be honest, I'm feeling pretty useless and really worried about my son. He is just coming to the end of his first year at uni, which has gone well academically, but socially he's really struggled and has been quite isolated. There's a number of things at play here, the social concerns are one thing but even more of concern are his coping strategies. He's had a few issues come up,vto do with course options for next year where he's really struggled, gone into panic and shutdown. As a parent, I've been trying to get him to engage with the uni's learning support team. He doesn't feel he needs it as he's fine academically, it's the organisation and unforeseen problems that he struggles with. It seems that small issues are becoming magnified and this weekend he has refused to talk to us and will only now communicate by messaging. He is in the middle of exams and isolated. I am very concerned about him. When I have raised concerns to uni previously,they said it had to come from him as he's an adult. The trouble is, he isn't reaching out, he finds it very difficult to speak about his feelings and won't open up to people. He is shutting down. The fact he's not wanting to speak and saying can we just communicate by message really worries me. Any advice would be massively appreciated. Not sure I've explained this hugely well as my mind is all over the place tbh. What can I do to support him when he won't engage?
There is not much you can do except be patient and be positive. As he's currently overwhelmed it's understandable he's going into shutdown, which is why he cannot communicate verbally, but see it as a good thing that he is still communicating with you by messaging.
As the university have said, he is an adult now - I understand that you care and want to help, but sometimes the best thing someone can do for an autistic person is step back and give them space, while making it clear that you are there for them if they need you. Try not to communicate your worries to him, as that might stoke his anxiety. Exams will be over soon and then hopefully you can have a chat about how things are going with him in a less anxious state.
Hello NAS93775,
I am sorry to hear that your son has been struggling at university.
You may find our information on young autistic people making the transition from school, further or higher education to adult life.
Transitions Northern Ireland
Transitions Scotland
Transitions Wales
Transitions England
Making transition decisions
Transition tips
You might also find this article useful on tips for autistic people at university:
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/tips-students-university
If you feel that your son might need some support with his mental health, you can find advice and information on how to go about seeking help, including links to other resources and details of helplines and listening support services, here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help.
All the best,
ChloeMod
I can only comment on my experience with my daughter. At university she concentrated on her studies to the exclusion of most social interaction. She was away for only part of a term before the Covid lockdowns happened, then came back home, she completed most of her first year from home, commuting in to campus for lab practicals. She then transferred to a university she could attend from home for the last two years of her course. Living at home, her social interactions with her peers were fairly limited. In a way it paid off, as she gained a first class degree and came top in her year. Following graduation she has had some part time work and her social life has flourished, she now has a group of good friends, two of whom are also autistic and has recently gained a boyfriend. I think that sometimes autistic people only have enough energy available to invest in one aspect of life and are incapable of both studying to the level they are content with and being overtly sociable.