Published on 12, July, 2020
Quite recently I had a discussion with moms in my language class about parenting and letting the child get/do things that for some reason are not allowed. It turned out they were absolutely shocked to hear, that my own child crying does not hurt me emotionally. It only hurts my ears. When my child cries, I asses the situation and actions needed. Wound? - plaster and hydrogen peroxide. Ok, ok kiss and hug as well to help her calm down. Fever? - meds, water and yeah some hugs too. If it’s a tantrum then I don’t show any emotions, because I don’t have any. They are not needed! And others seem to be shocked how can I just coldly sit and do nothing about my child throwing tantrum. When she is furious I sit and only take care for her safety. When she repeatedly requests the forbidden thing I only shortly answer “no” (she is 2,5). This way her tantrums with me are short because she knows it does not touch me emotionally. But my husband is angry at me, that I’m so cold and how can I be this way. He also let me understand, that I should go for therapy to get fixed. im curious about other autistic parents here and their experience. My husband and daughter are neurotypical.
As a father myself and someone who knows lots of parents, responding to tantrums in this way is common and probably a good way. You can’t reason with a 2.5 year old having a tantrum. You should not show emotion, worse still get angry. Support the child and monitor them to ensure safety and it will pass quickly and they will calm down. Good parenting. Sounds like exactly what you’re doing. The fact that your autistic traits make it easier for you to do this than a typical is a bonus. Go Mom.
Thank you for your answer. The problem is also with my husband. He can not stand emotionally her crying and she uses that and takes a lot of advantage of him. And at the end it turns out it’s all my fault because I’m the cold cruel mommy.
So the problem here seems to be your husband, not you. Sometimes our skillset is the better one, the one most useful to the task at hand. Typicals are not so well equipped but it’s our problem because they are normal. Perhaps try to educate your hubby that he is making it worse. Surely the tantrums are not wanted. Ask him to try it your way for a month, no matter how difficult. And then you will promise to try it his way for a month.
I would suggest you give it time. The tantrums will probably get worse and your daughter’s behaviour more demanding because of his indulgences. At some point it will probably get too demanding even for him at which point he might be more interested in trying an alternative way. But most important of all, you stick to what you know and believe to be right. And just continue to be the great mom that your daughter still needs.