Published on 12, July, 2020
My son was diagnosed over a year ago. He's always been sshy around people unless its with me or his brother. At school he's always struggled to make friends.In primary school he had a few friends who eventually left to go to other schools. After this my son grew anxious and other kids would make fun of him. He hated going to school and would cry most days not wanting to go. I'd have meetings with the school who said he probably has seperation anxiety, but eventually I had no choice but to take him out to do homeschooling. Though he did agree to start back to school in year 7.
While he did homeschooling I had him join groups like gymnastics, swimming and scouts. He loved swimming, but as for the other two he struggled. He found it hard to fit in, and always found an excuse not to go. Eventually after about 8 months he stopped going, much to my disappointment. My son did love going out to skate parks and doing other activities as long as I was with him.
When he started back to school in year 7 he was so looking forward to it, but it was apparant after the first few days he would struggle. All through year 7 was a huge ordeal. He ended up being allowed part time hours and schoolm counselling. The days he had counselling he looked forward to. This went on through the beginning of year 8. Half way through year 8 he got better and better, going to school everyday. His grades improved and he seemed happy to go there with the support from the SENCo team.
This continued all through year 9, he was doing so well. He was in top sets for Science and Maths. He loved everything to do with computers as well. He was always getting praised for doing so well.
All things changed when he got to year 10. By October he was having days off school saying he was ill. This escalated and he he's barely been now since last year. He keeps saying he will go back but he finds it difficult as he's been off so long. The school have said he's missed so much work and his grades have dropped. He supposed to be preparing for his GCSE's but I reallyy can't see it happening now.
My son as well as Autism , he has a problem with anger. He gets extremley aggressive around me. He won't listen to anything I say. He breaks my possessions, damages walls and doors. If he breaks his own possessions he blames me for it. When i try to speak to him he tells me to shut up, calls me names and sometimes punches me in my arm or back. I have a Family Support worker who has told me to call the police if he does it again. I did call the police 3 weeks ago. They took photos of bruises on my arm. They said they would arrest me son because it is a criminal offence now. I told them not to. But they said they would arrest him next time they are called out. I tell my son this but he thinks I am making it up. They asked my son what he wants to be when he leaves school. He said an Engineer. He always wanted to do that. Butt they told him he would not be able to do that with no qualifications or if he has a criminal record. Also with his aggressive behaviour it will affect him having relationships in the future because it is down on report.
I tell my son he needs to sort himself out but he just tells me to shut up and he hates to hear my voice.
It worries me so much because out Support worker has even said thres a possibility that my son could be taken away as his behaviour is affecting his younger brother. My son thinks he can just stay at home and his problems will just go away. All he wants to do is play computer games. If i take his devices off him he turns voilent. WWhat worries me also is that he struggles to leave our home. He refuses to go out anywhere. He can't seem to face anyone. He won't even go to see the doctor when I've made appointments. IHow do i deal with this? How can I get help for him if he won't leave the house?
Dear NAS88496.
I'm Asperger's and I've been exactly where your son's coming from all my life. I've had EXACTLY his problems - all I can do is say why they were happening to me. They could well be happening to him for the same reasons. I can't guarantee that. But I do feel for him and remember what it was all like for me.
F'starters, school's a nightmare. Why? You're constantly surrounded by bunches running around, yelling, taking the mickey out of you because you look different 'Look at you, f'n weirdo.' 'Oi, where's your spaceship?' And so on. Then you hit neurotypical-run classes which is where the nightmares REALLY start.
Y'see, Neurotypicals LURVE one-size-fits-all. They put us in uniforms so everyone looks the same. And they expect everyone to learn the same things in the same way. If you can't do it their One Way, they don't know what to do with you so you turn invisible. You're Not There to the teacher. And the other kids are having a field day - ripping your books up, ripping your notes up, working you over in the playground - you daren't tell the teachers because the kids just wait for you outside then and they ALL go to town on you. The teachers don't care because they've written you off. I used to avoid school like the plague because it was utterly pointless - why go somewhere where you get beaten up, all your notes torn up, your stuff stolen from you and if, by some miracle, you Actually Win a Fight, the other kid puts on an Oscar-winning tearstained performance to a teacher and YOU get punished for actually standing up for yourself for once!
Foxes have Asperger's, that's why they kill all the chickens in a hen-house. The fox is being bombarded by chickens from all sides, he's panicking too much to find the exit, all he can do is strike out. I couldn't do that because I just got hit back harder so I'd run away - but I couldn't get out of the playground so I'd just not go. No point. Me, I was determined to prove the teachers wrong about me so I went to libraries, studied there. I got Every Single Exam they told me I'd never get. They never did me any good because neurotypicals hate disabled people who are of their standard. That's WHY the bullying happens at school. The other kids are scared of what they don't understand so they band together against it. It's a bonding experience for them. It just sucks for the person they're bonding together AGAINST.
I think - and it's been 30 years since I was at school - he did well till Year 10 because he could handle the other kids till then. I bet the macho bullying increased dramatically in Year 10, so of course he didn't want to be there. If teachers/other kids say he was striking out against them - ask them WHY he wanted to do that. What THEY were doing to HIM to make him respond like that. Personally, I could never tell the difference between real teasing and innocuous teasing, how serious someone was being. And I didn't know how to respond to any of it to calm it down, so it would just escalate till I was literally climbing over boundary walls to get outta there!
Him hitting you is wrong. I didn't hit Mom, but I do have memories of putting my hands over my ears, screaming and rocking violently! For me, it was when Mom and Dad were yelling at me for not going to school/Cubs - or not wanting to go out of the house. Why? I really tried to get on with the local kids - but I looked different so that made me a target. I was getting worked over by just about every street kid going, and going home and getting smacked around by Dad for letting them do it! So I couldn't win either way. Of course I don't know your child - but when I felt like being violent/smashing stuff it was always when Mom was yelling at me for NOT doing something without listening to WHY I wasn't doing it. She'd be - in my mind - joining the ranks of the Neurotypicals against me - so I'd want to strike out.
I'd say the video game thing, if they're multiplayer online games, is a way of belonging/achieving/being part of a team (lots of online games work with players becoming long-distance teams with eachother) /having friends/Actually Winning Fights! You go out and spend all day being yelled at/ignored/jeered at by neurotypicals of various ages (trust me - there's no such thing as 'childhood' or 'adolescence', they're things that get made up by neurotypicals because neurotypicals LURVE categorizing everything whether or not doing so's correct. All there is, is 'peoplehood'.) The teachers and the other kids react in EXACTLY the same way to you and it's a total nightmare - it's like they're giving the kids a green light to do what they want to you. And you're getting it just as bad from the street kids. So of course he doesn't want to go out. I don't blame him for that. If you're neurodiverse, it's a nightmare out there. I'd be staying in, naming the aliens in the games after the teacher and the other kids and torturing them to death. Slowly!
Now the Engineer thing, with the neurotypicals telling him he'll never do it with a criminal record, is SOOO typically Neurotypical I'm wincing in total sympathy with your kid. Neurotypicals are the most negative, unhelpful, domineering, bullying creatures I have ever come across. And that's a perfect example of it. They're all yelling at your kid NOT to do things without going into WHY he's doing them in the first place. He might be doing them for reasons that make perfect sense to him, from his perspective - but if they don't fit Neurotypical reasoning, they're Obviously Wrong and He Must be Punished for Not Looking at the World the Same Way We Do. It's prejudice, pure and simple. You lot always have to have some bunch to take your hatreds out on because it makes you feel more superior and bonds you together more. You can't do it on coloured people any more - that's rightfully verboten. Which leaves us neurodiverse. We're the last bastion of prejudice. The other kids are doing it. And the teachers are doing it which, to the other kids, makes THEM doing it RIGHT. (They see the teachers telling your kid off/punishing him, giggle and take it they've got tacit rights to do the same.)
He stays at home because it's all he's got t o keep him safe from the nightmare called Outside. I bet he gets most violent when you want to take him out - if that's the case I'm utterly on his side, it's terrifying out there. You've got vast masses of neurotypicals coming at you from all directions, kids pointing and yelling and you're not sure why, adults yelling at you for doing things which, to you, are utterly normal - and you often don't 'get' what they want you to do instead. So you guess and guess wrong and get 'Don't be so stupid. Why do you behave like this? STOP it NOW or you'll GET A SLAPPING! I'M WARNING YOU!!' And you're getting poked and prodded by doctors, nurses looking down at you from Great Heights, you don't understand why you're there or what you're supposed to be doing.....
How can you get help for him if he won't leave the house? Welcome to the 21st century! He's got a computer. You've got Zoom Teams. Similar platforms that let you join in with stuff via webcam. Work WITH him and find a platform with people on he can talk to and feel safe with - or easily escape from by turning the screen off if he panics. If he gets more confident with people online, he might be prepared to give 'outside' another go. As far as him punching you goes, next t ime you say 'Why did you do that?' say it like it's a genuine question, not an accusation. Walk in his footsteps, in his world. Learn his motives, don't judge them by neurotypical standards, but by his own. Doesn't automatically make them all RIGHT, but at least you'll understand his reasons WHY.
You neurotypicals want to force us all to live in your world. I personally think it's because you've all got an innate fear of anything that's different - that would explain prejudice of all kinds, fear of differences. Why not,. just for awhile, try living in ours?
Yours respectfully
Chris. (Asperger's, Cerebral Palsy, Hydrocephalus, Dyspraxia.)
i'm so sorry you're both going through this. i had a similar experience 4-3 years ago when i was in highschool, and i want to try and help.highschool can be a very overwhelming place to be in when you're autistic - for a multitude of reasons. it sounds like he's struggling a lot with school can't [or school avoidance/school refusal, it goes by a few names...]he may feel like he's unable to tolerate being there - and the anxiety of that is making him more agitated.i'm not sure i can offer any advice myself - obviously, my experience wouldn't be the exact same as his. i personally didn't have a problem with violence, simply because every autistic experience is different, and i'm not sure if i can offer any advice or help about that - i'm sorry... but i hope the link below can help you in some way with his school can't."what can I do if my child won't go to school?"again, i'm sorry you're both going through this, and i hope the best for you. i know how intense this time can be - my relationships [even with my mum], and my mental health plummeted during that time - but i don't want to talk about my experience unless you wanted to hear that for some insight, of course. i hope that link can help you in some way.
I have no practical advice but your situation is almost identical to mine, my 15 year old is the same. I'm so sorry I can't offer you any help but wanted to let you know you're not alone.