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Independent living for son with Aspergers

Toffee

Hello,

my son is 20, has Asperger's and presently lives with me. He is an only child, and I am a single parent, his father being absent some years.

Son is at the moment unemployed and not in education. After leaving school he attended a local college course for students with additional needs, but after 18 months decided the other students were too noisy. He also felt the same about an AS social group. Supported employment too seems thin on the ground, having tried talking to the local Disability Advisor at the Jobcentre. He does go out with a support worker once a week, and has regular meetings with a social worker.

 

He is very lonely and isolated, despite being a young lad with strong interests in reading and current affairs. Also, as it has been the two of us for the past ten years, he is becoming more and more reliant upon me for company and support. Although he himself does not like to go out much, he becomes stressed if I am out - even to visit a neighbour - and will phone my mobile repeatedly.

What worries me is what happens if I become ill or die? (I'm only 50, but who knows?!)He is able to shop, use a microwave, use the washing machine, but I fear that he would become even more isolated and depressed.

We have talked about this together, and my son thinks it might be good to start looking at options for independent living sooner rather than later. He would prefer to live with other people rather than alone with carers visiting.

Does anyone have any similar experience? We were wondering about the Camphill Communities, as there as several in Scotland where we live, and he is used to country living and would like to keep a cat or dog.

We would really value any experiences anyone would share,

thanks! :)

 

 

 

 

Parents

  • Has your son any difficulties settling in with your partner?  That sort of thing can cause friction anyway, but can be a lot worse where autism is involved.

    Your partner may be trying to befriend your son in a bloke to bloke way (rather than surrogate father to son). In an NT context he is likely to try to do that by being jokey, matey, sizing each other up, trying to find common ground.

    Your son however may have great difficulty understanding this approach, especially if he is poor at reading facial expression and at showing the right facial expression. He may be getting very different messages from what your partner intends, and may be giving back messages that suggest he cannot make allowances.

    On top of that your partner, if a relative newcomer, is taking over, and you are expecting your son to move out and find his own life - lots of scope for misunderstanding.

    The problem with independent living is that the options are fewer, and it is bad enough for young NTs currently, which is why a lot stay on in the family home past thirty.

    House sharing is one option, either renting a house. or where one of the sharers is the owner. That's hard if you are on the spectrum. When a room in a share is advertised you've virtually got to go and be interviewed, and "your face has to look as if it fits" if you are to get on amicably in a share. I tried it a few times after leaving university and found it immensely difficult to get a place, and usually managed only with other eccentrics who were finding it hard getting anyone to take the room when the candidates saw how things stood. But surprisingly there are a lot of shared houses out there occupied by misfits who manage along sort of....

    The other option is bedsit accommodation, which can be really grim. I've seen bedsits with shared loos and where everything else is crammed into one room. Attics are often best, but some bedsits are a shock to the system. The point though about bedsit land is it is full of people who cannot find anyone to share with - ie. your son would be living in some old house with lots of other not easy going people.

    If you are in a university town the private sector accommodation sometimes allows for non-students to share with students.

    If you can get small flats, including those designated for disabled, and they are affordable, the main problem is they are often thin walled and noisy, and in not so nice neighbourhoods, or near busy streets. Several of the regulars in here are in this sort of accommodation and while hard to get them they may not be as blissful as they seem.

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  • Has your son any difficulties settling in with your partner?  That sort of thing can cause friction anyway, but can be a lot worse where autism is involved.

    Your partner may be trying to befriend your son in a bloke to bloke way (rather than surrogate father to son). In an NT context he is likely to try to do that by being jokey, matey, sizing each other up, trying to find common ground.

    Your son however may have great difficulty understanding this approach, especially if he is poor at reading facial expression and at showing the right facial expression. He may be getting very different messages from what your partner intends, and may be giving back messages that suggest he cannot make allowances.

    On top of that your partner, if a relative newcomer, is taking over, and you are expecting your son to move out and find his own life - lots of scope for misunderstanding.

    The problem with independent living is that the options are fewer, and it is bad enough for young NTs currently, which is why a lot stay on in the family home past thirty.

    House sharing is one option, either renting a house. or where one of the sharers is the owner. That's hard if you are on the spectrum. When a room in a share is advertised you've virtually got to go and be interviewed, and "your face has to look as if it fits" if you are to get on amicably in a share. I tried it a few times after leaving university and found it immensely difficult to get a place, and usually managed only with other eccentrics who were finding it hard getting anyone to take the room when the candidates saw how things stood. But surprisingly there are a lot of shared houses out there occupied by misfits who manage along sort of....

    The other option is bedsit accommodation, which can be really grim. I've seen bedsits with shared loos and where everything else is crammed into one room. Attics are often best, but some bedsits are a shock to the system. The point though about bedsit land is it is full of people who cannot find anyone to share with - ie. your son would be living in some old house with lots of other not easy going people.

    If you are in a university town the private sector accommodation sometimes allows for non-students to share with students.

    If you can get small flats, including those designated for disabled, and they are affordable, the main problem is they are often thin walled and noisy, and in not so nice neighbourhoods, or near busy streets. Several of the regulars in here are in this sort of accommodation and while hard to get them they may not be as blissful as they seem.

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