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How to tell if he's masking?

NAS91325

Hi

I'm new to the forum and a relatively new ASD parent. My step son who lives with us 50% of the time is ASD.

My question is how can you tell if they are masking?

I have lived with my step son for 1.5yrs and while in the beginning it was hard while we set in place our new rules and boundaries for the whole family, the last year has been relatively pain free. His meltdowns dramatically decreased in frequency, he's socialising with friends more (in person not just online), rules are generally tolerated, he's been doing great in school with decreased incidents of behavioural issues or meltdowns and increased attendance to mainstream inclusion.  So we have been really happy and positive with him.

The problem is this...we have different rules to his mother, so transition can be hard for him but he usually settles pretty quickly with us.  His mother on the other hand is having issues with meltdowns and behaviour in general and is saying it is because he is masking with us because we won't tolerate being screamed and shouted. Please note he obviously still has meltdowns but they are dealt with by supplying blankets, lights and other sensory items which calm him.  We have tried to speak to him about whether he is happy, if there is anything he is upset about, and the only thing he mentions is differing access to devices than his much older brother, which has been explained to him in terms of fairness ( which he takes very seriously), routine and screen time. Mum has no screen time rules as far as we can make out.

So how can we tell if he is masking? We obviously don't want him to be doing that with us for his own mental health and don't want mum to be taking the brunt of the meltdowns.

Help

Parents

  • If he is masking well, you will not be able to tell. Masking in and of itself is not necessarily bad for autistic mental health. Masking is only deleterious when it causes distress. Some masking, mine for example, can be tolerated well by the masker. What can happen, is that there is too little downtime - usually by being alone - when there is no need for the autistic person to mask, and that can be exhausting and lead to meltdowns and shutdowns. I would allow your step-son plenty of time to be on his own, if he wants to be, to recharge his 'social batteries'. Many autistics have alexithymia, which makes it difficult to recognise and/or express mood. Asking him how he feels may not lead to many informative answers, because he may genuinely not know how he feels.. This is another of the reasons for meltdowns or shutdowns, because an autistic person may not recognise a negative mood until it becomes too acute to be coped with, resulting in an emotional overwhelm.

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  • If he is masking well, you will not be able to tell. Masking in and of itself is not necessarily bad for autistic mental health. Masking is only deleterious when it causes distress. Some masking, mine for example, can be tolerated well by the masker. What can happen, is that there is too little downtime - usually by being alone - when there is no need for the autistic person to mask, and that can be exhausting and lead to meltdowns and shutdowns. I would allow your step-son plenty of time to be on his own, if he wants to be, to recharge his 'social batteries'. Many autistics have alexithymia, which makes it difficult to recognise and/or express mood. Asking him how he feels may not lead to many informative answers, because he may genuinely not know how he feels.. This is another of the reasons for meltdowns or shutdowns, because an autistic person may not recognise a negative mood until it becomes too acute to be coped with, resulting in an emotional overwhelm.

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