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Creating a better family dynamics with 21 year old daughter - and going forward

NAS90971

First time I've posted here and not sure where to start, 

I think my 21 year old daughter has autism/ADHD? To the outside world she is confident, articulate, pretty, intelligent. She is inherently kind, truthful and has a determined personality. She is doing well at uni and holds down a regular holiday job to earn some money.

But at home her anxieties spill out into anger and rage at family members. She has severe  misphonia and other sensitivities- especially around food. In some ways she is highly organised - eg she is very reliable at work/ uni yet in others she is very disorganised - bedroom, finances etc. She talks of masking and is exhausted very quickly and needs lots of sleep and headspace. My presence seems to trigger constant irritation - the way I talk, how I eat, the clothes I wear. So I go into avoidance, a sort of neutral to keep the peace. We rarely share the same space - except when I drive her to work. This anger is directed at all close family members and it's hard not to take it personally at times. I wonder if she has demand avoidance too, because in the past, asking her to do things triggers rage. So I don't ask for help with house chores when she's at home because it is the 'easy' option. We don't talk and she has said in the past that she has no trust in me - I know this can be pretty normal for parent/adolescent relationships. I have good relationship with her other siblings and would love a better relationship with her if I could. 

She was  a quiet thoughtful child, but at aged about 10, another sibling was very unwell for many years and it was a highly stressful time  and I blame myself for letting her needs go under the radar as she went through adolescence. She is angry about this too - quite rightly - but at the time I thought it was her reaction to the family illness. She developed an eating disorder too and does not have a good relationship with food. I regret not having my eyes open to her needs then, but I can't change the past, I can only do what I can now.  I know there have been friendship issues during teenage years and wonder if there are similarities here with Ellie Middleton in her book 'Unmasked' where there is 'pretty privilege'. I have tried to have discussions about seeking professional counselling - and I think she feels that I see her as a failure or 'broken' for asking this - I don't at all - but I think it would help her understand herself to navigate challenges in the neurotypical world and also help us as a family to know what we can do to give her space, but also feel that we are not 'walking on eggshells' all the time. I'm very proud of all she has done and who she is, but when I tell her she says she does not believe me. Like other parents on this forum - I have felt the crappest parent at times - I have unwittingly made so many mistakes - have not understood etc etc - but I do want to try to understand and help us as a family. 

I'm not sure how to start these conversations with her - I have tried, probably very clumsily. But it seems the only way forward. Any advice gratefully received. 

  • in reply to NAS90971

    Happy to help.

    A therapist should challenge us to grow, but also in a way that feels safe. Not everyone is really wired for the profession, but you also don't have to stay with the first one you find. Like any one we might hire to help in some capacity, take time to find the right one! It's OK to 'interview' a therapist like we might a solicitor or anyone bringing value to our life. 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Thank you for such a long and thoughtful reply -- sorry for delay, I've only just picked it up. 

    A lot of this resonates so much. I think - or at least hope to think - that our family is a solid rock in her life, and that is why she can offload a lot of anxiety and anger towards us. 

    The 'thick pane of invisible glass' between us resonates too - both of us trying to be heard and understood, but not receiving either side. 

    I have sought therapy/counselling/ mediation - before to understand and navigate this, but I seem to come up against barriers - on the NHS I've been told that they can't offer me a therapist, but she would have to go, and then looking privately I've looked but don't know where to start, there are some fantastic private therapists out there, but also ones who fall short (a close friend had this experience) - so I suppose I'm cautious of taking the plunge to find someone with a huge experience in this area. However, I think your post has pushed me forward to do this. I don't want a therapist to change her, or me, but help us communicate. 

    I feel so sad that it seems we have wasted and are wasting so many years where we could communicate better. It feels like we are in status quo, in a cycle pattern of behaviour and responses that I want to break out of - so yes, I think it is for me to find a therapist to help me change my pattern of behaviour which tends to be non-confrontational, avoidance and for her, a frustrating form of neutral. 

    Thanks again :-) 

  • As a parent I can feel with some of these things.

    I had to learn how to raise my own son from my own parents and grandparents. We all make mistakes. However, I was once informed by an excellent therapist that it's the Rate of Recovery which marks success in relationships. 

    Due to language barriers, autistic individuals will mature slower than their peers. So while our children can be our worst (and best - we cannot have one without the other) critic, it's important to still use manners, to consider circumstances, and to mind impact. As a parent, we can facilitate this. Better they learn and fail around us than out in the world. 

    You do have an opportunity to help her troubleshoot a problem in more meaningful ways. Learning to use humour is good.  You said she was thoughtful when young, so perhaps she can use that. Rather than avoiding, open that conversation up understanding that irritation over a million meaningless things is often about needing / desiring something from the other, something which might take a great deal of work to understand or years to articulate. 

    Key is understanding that as a mum or dad we've quite literally invited our children to confide in us, to dump all their anxieties and problems, to tell us 'what happened' and this indoctrination of being the parent/therapist/rubbish-collector started very early. It doesn't change until they're ready. Imagine being informed over a great many years, you have at least one safe person in the world who you can be as terrible and authentic and raw and monstrous and rely on the fact they'll love you no matter what. 

    Somewhere along the way, as they get older, our perception and expectations will change - hopefully not before they're ready to grow. But for children, regardless of age, there is an inner desire to still have the safety of the elder sage who will care about you no matter what. So often, as parents we don't take time to grow ourselves so we're always one step ahead. And I think this is often what's needed - a human approach to holding down the title 'parent'. Curating who I want to be. I'm not advocating selfishness, but just the opposite. Support for our children as they get older requires even more abundance of self: having something to give and really being mindful when we're depleted.

    Because we're back to the language barrier - children listen by watching. Instead of saying why don't we find you a therapist, try instead, "I want to be able to listen and I find myself feeling defensive. I think I need a therapist" Your openness and ability to express a limit with kindness can teach her how to do the same. (of course we can only say this if there's intent and follow through). What is normalised by the parent is often followed by the child.

    The language barrier severs connexions in so many ways. And as humans we need to feel grounded, to relate with others, to feel seen, not isolated and alone or worse - wishing we were alone. 

    The last thing to remember is that there is a great deal of misrepresentation, so it's important to ask: What did you mean by this? Invite the conversation and help steer it. A good therapist can teach how to do this so to better connect. If autistics appear defensive or reactionary, it can be because neurotypical individuals can appear demanding or domineering. And with those we love, doubtful we want to be seen these ways.

    Most of us have trouble with verbal articulation (I didn't get better at this until mid-30's). An entire shelf of encyclopedias can help. But due to a different perception and encounter with the world, Autistics are motivated entirely differently (not socially) and often accused of 'feeling' or 'thinking' Neuro Typical motives which might have never crossed our minds. And this might be due to miscommunication, because we cannot access or have not been introduced to the correct term / word for what we're experiencing. Many of us have Alexithymia and simply need to learn laws of effect and consequence, to better understand how the human heart, biology and psyche is impacted. 

    It's important to ask if she's intending to be hurtful or if she needs help expressing a thing. I look back on a lot of miscommunication and now see it differently: there was such a thick pane of 'invisible' glass between myself and the receiver. I was often angry at the other or they were cruel toward me, when someone with a bit of wisdom could've simply said, "how can I help both of us understand". 

    This woman's instagram is really good www.instagram.com/.../