How to dicsplin and seal with mini meltdowns

There's a few things that can be trying from around now until he's early 20's, depending on the biological details. 1. Autistics mature slower than Typical peers. 2. We will have a great deal of difficulty with how the majority use language, so there will always be a loss in translation (among other things) 3. A routine is a 'band-aid' for more deeper principles like sensing external Grounding & Reliability. Children are not reliable, they learn how to be from us, but it's important we as parents aim for this (though I've often missed! But continue to try). 

It's good you've allowed him to just get it out. This is important. These situations are difficult to navigate with out help!

When you say giving empathy, I'm assuming you mean 'sympathy', which is slightly different. Empathy is often misused or used in place of compassion / sympathy, but it's a Relational mechanism, which when activated by feeling what the other is feeling, we respond as they desire. In this case, empathy might not be wise for parenting, as it would tell you to omit the routine. Sympathy, no less important, would allow you to keep the structure in tact, giving room and grace where needed :) I say this only because most autistics might go through life never experiencing real connexion with others which affords them Empathy, and never experience grace or a generosity of spirit which affords them extra room to grow. In fact, many of us have to live a life on everyone else's terms which don't feel authentic to our becoming and growing in wisdom, kindness, with a deeper sense of humanity or agency. But this is aside. 

Using language the same as everyone around makes it easy to integrate culturally, to understand instruction manuals, to not need extra time to comprehend a thing, Language plays a major role in how we mature, so being Autistic means we miss out on a great deal, and to top it off, have trouble accessing the words we need to identify or communicate and words are power. So frustrations are compounded. To further, I didn't know I had Alexithymia & in a culture where people express feelings rather than how one is impacted, this is additionally crushing. "I feel sad" can be difficult when one has been betrayed and unfriended by someone they thought they could rely on. This never changes, by the way. I had only begun to expand my vocabulary around 30, didn't realise I was dyslexic or a slow reader until 40. I'm now 50. 

As boys grow older, they become aware of how males compete and the pressures of being a "man" in society becoming increasingly heavy. Non-autistic boys may sense this around 6/7, but Divergent kids might not until 9/10/11, depending on their abilities. And having a 'sense' of not relating with others, not being able to compete at their level, or make sense of social & cultural nuances adds a low-grade stress, or adds to that iceberg which can make a small problem a little larger than it is. 

My father & brothers all play video games to escape, for fun, when they're bored, and so on. My father would build computers to handle physics, one brother a neurologist, the other working at a company like CERN and still another a Maths Professor at a university. Video gaming won't hamper, and can actually be stress relieving, though still needs appropriation when homework is due. Would he like to do this with you? He may be running into an issue that a non-autistic would be able to understand. Or just want to feel a sense of being connected through a togetherness with someone he loves.

In my experience, my son rarely needed correction, and usually needed connexion. One of the best things I was taught to give him was Respect. Teach him how he should expect to be treated by the world around. And yes, going for a walk is good. Healthy eating (minding biology and allergies/gut issues) is good. But since my son was little, I always knocked on his door, asked how I could help, assumed he was his own 'man' and supported making valuable choices when it really mattered, allowed him to make his own, set his own routines, when it wasn't of grave consequence. 

We need a sense of Agency, Control over our lives and a sense of Connectedness, without these we won't thrive. Autistics rarely find them until much older in life. Perhaps it's time for him to start thinking about how to create his own routine (give perimeters - brushing teeth is a non option, but maybe allow him to try something else like not making the bed). I do recall a head teacher telling me what we read isn't important, so long as we're reading. And a trainer telling me what exercise you pick doesn't matter so long as you'll actually do it. This principle seems important too. The what can be modified.

Hope some of this helps. 

There's a few things that can be trying from around now until he's early 20's, depending on the biological details. 1. Autistics mature slower than Typical peers. 2. We will have a great deal of difficulty with how the majority use language, so there will always be a loss in translation (among other things) 3. A routine is a 'band-aid' for more deeper principles like sensing external Grounding & Reliability. Children are not reliable, they learn how to be from us, but it's important we as parents aim for this (though I've often missed! But continue to try). 

It's good you've allowed him to just get it out. This is important. These situations are difficult to navigate with out help!

When you say giving empathy, I'm assuming you mean 'sympathy', which is slightly different. Empathy is often misused or used in place of compassion / sympathy, but it's a Relational mechanism, which when activated by feeling what the other is feeling, we respond as they desire. In this case, empathy might not be wise for parenting, as it would tell you to omit the routine. Sympathy, no less important, would allow you to keep the structure in tact, giving room and grace where needed :) I say this only because most autistics might go through life never experiencing real connexion with others which affords them Empathy, and never experience grace or a generosity of spirit which affords them extra room to grow. In fact, many of us have to live a life on everyone else's terms which don't feel authentic to our becoming and growing in wisdom, kindness, with a deeper sense of humanity or agency. But this is aside. 

Using language the same as everyone around makes it easy to integrate culturally, to understand instruction manuals, to not need extra time to comprehend a thing, Language plays a major role in how we mature, so being Autistic means we miss out on a great deal, and to top it off, have trouble accessing the words we need to identify or communicate and words are power. So frustrations are compounded. To further, I didn't know I had Alexithymia & in a culture where people express feelings rather than how one is impacted, this is additionally crushing. "I feel sad" can be difficult when one has been betrayed and unfriended by someone they thought they could rely on. This never changes, by the way. I had only begun to expand my vocabulary around 30, didn't realise I was dyslexic or a slow reader until 40. I'm now 50. 

As boys grow older, they become aware of how males compete and the pressures of being a "man" in society becoming increasingly heavy. Non-autistic boys may sense this around 6/7, but Divergent kids might not until 9/10/11, depending on their abilities. And having a 'sense' of not relating with others, not being able to compete at their level, or make sense of social & cultural nuances adds a low-grade stress, or adds to that iceberg which can make a small problem a little larger than it is. 

My father & brothers all play video games to escape, for fun, when they're bored, and so on. My father would build computers to handle physics, one brother a neurologist, the other working at a company like CERN and still another a Maths Professor at a university. Video gaming won't hamper, and can actually be stress relieving, though still needs appropriation when homework is due. Would he like to do this with you? He may be running into an issue that a non-autistic would be able to understand. Or just want to feel a sense of being connected through a togetherness with someone he loves.

In my experience, my son rarely needed correction, and usually needed connexion. One of the best things I was taught to give him was Respect. Teach him how he should expect to be treated by the world around. And yes, going for a walk is good. Healthy eating (minding biology and allergies/gut issues) is good. But since my son was little, I always knocked on his door, asked how I could help, assumed he was his own 'man' and supported making valuable choices when it really mattered, allowed him to make his own, set his own routines, when it wasn't of grave consequence. 

We need a sense of Agency, Control over our lives and a sense of Connectedness, without these we won't thrive. Autistics rarely find them until much older in life. Perhaps it's time for him to start thinking about how to create his own routine (give perimeters - brushing teeth is a non option, but maybe allow him to try something else like not making the bed). I do recall a head teacher telling me what we read isn't important, so long as we're reading. And a trainer telling me what exercise you pick doesn't matter so long as you'll actually do it. This principle seems important too. The what can be modified.

Hope some of this helps.