Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all
my 10 year old son is autistic (high functioning)
he is pretty good as long as things are ticking along nicely. I just never quite know when enough is enough. For example bedtime. I ask him to clean his teeth, we then usually have a book or chat and then it’s time for him to settle down to sleep. that’s the routine.
however sometimes he we say things like oh I just need some cereal or I just need to sort through all my Pokémon cards. This easily becomes an issue for him and he becomes stressed. If I then say it’s a little late to be doing that now world war 3 can break out. So do I let him do it or do I continue with boundaries??
does this make sense ?
This is very typical, and there's a real thing happening here which is uniquely Autistic. I can understand how it might be confusing.
Somehow, it is always before bed, as the day is winding down that a flood of unfinished business is suddenly of importance. Now, nearly 50 I've learned to write down what needs to be done, assign tasks to days even, but I don't like sleeping with a messy kitchen, so even if it's past my bedtime, it will get cleaned. But also, unresolved matters throughout life don't go away and will always pop up at random (probably something has reminded me of them). We can have a little too good of memory.
Sorting through Pokemon before bed might actually help him sleep better. The goal is to get his brainwaves to Delta. And when he's anxious about an unfinished or unresolved thing, he won't get proper sleep. There's new science which is in medical papers as of 2020 that Autistics and ADHD individuals can have less inhibitors in the brain to shut down excited thought accelerating beyond our control. This is connected to our ability to hyper focus and shift in to a flow state easily, which is also why interruptions will feel like waking a sleepwalker. But apparently, we have less GABA (gut-brain axis). I take a nootropics blend for this now and it's helped with both gut health and less anxiety.
Boundaries were originally designed by psychologists for severe acts of violation. We set up boundaries with abusive relatives, and never make ultimatums beyond what we're willing to follow through on. But perhaps you mean something like building 'limits' and teaching grounded disciplines.
With children, most things are not matters of consequence. So, with my son, I used to ask, what's most important. If t's sleep, and a small thing actually promotes deeper, more efficient sleep, then it's helpful. Is sorting Pokemon the same as reading a book? I'd say yes.
Cereal at night might not be best, but he's 10. What's negotiable? A small cup? I encouraged my son toward negotiations, which encourages thinking about things in more flexible ways. If he wanted a very late snack, I would give him some information to make decisions with, such as maybe needing the toilet middle of the night, or even asking if he'd rather look forward to cereal in the morning. And if he still wanted it, what would he propose as a reasonable amount for just before bed. The goal here is to help curate various perspectives for sound decision making and flexibility for negotiation. I'm always open to discuss a thing.
My grandmother used to tell me to never tell him No. Redirect, be open and reason with. Only use the hard No when it was of grave consequence or children can have difficulty trusting.
But I might suggest this. Set an earlier time to recount the day, wind down and think about things which need finishing. He's old enough to have a white board on his wall for listing items to be reminded at a decent hour to fix, finish, sort, problem-solve.
I know that for me, I get bothered when im in the middle of somthing and I get disupted to do something else. Or sometimes It will be the middle of the night and I wake up, needing to do something (like check if my sock is in the drawer the right way), it may not make sense to do right then, there might be something more important or it could wait till later. But like with the sock in the drawer thing, I wont be able to sleep again or think of anything else until I check.
I would try to figure out which things he is wanting to do because he needs to, and what things he is wanting to do but it wont bother him if he cant (maybe there is a certain behavior so you can tell when its one of those moments?). Or maybe he would be open to compromises?