Awful behaviour and broken family life

There's a lot here to take in. It sounds like you didn't get the advice and help you needed early on, so you might have set dynamics and years of built-up, unresolved issues creating a difficulty turning this around. 

Here's a few key points which you may or may not know about. 

Alexithymia:https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/autism-and-alexithymia

When someone asks me How are you feeling? I have learned (now much older) to describe what is happening. How am I feeling? Well, it's blue skies and I've just had a coffee. Or in therapy about a situation that I was impacted by, I would say I feel 'unprotected' or 'lost', which are not descriptions of emotion. But the consequence of a thing which happened. I cannot access words or clearly articulate emotions. When young, I was told what I was feeling and often misread. I was often accused of motives I didn't have. And because it would cause further stress, it would further compound the frustration. I can honestly say there was a bit too much of my childhood spent in frustration and tears. But mostly just shutdown.

Chris has a load of insight: https://www.facebook.com/autisticnotweird 

Schools can contribute to more trauma than needed: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyday-neurodiversity/202108/are-we-giving-autistic-children-ptsd-school?fbclid=IwAR0e6pwWeDC7C0c3EJAE1qdd9PyMyCqkgwIvTDEIxPKGBOV7Qn9hrgN5kI8

A few theories right now seem to be important: one is Autistics need Resolve. we need a great deal more uninterrupted alone time which aids learning and thriving. We need to be afforded agency and helped to understand how to make over-informed choices (we often won't ever catch the social rules which are subject to change). We need to be allowed our intensities, as we're far more impacted by sense perception including emotions (which we might not be able to identify) and sensing underlying systems we need knowledge for, along with external senses. From youth to mid 20's is how long it can take to learn to feel the impact, respond and learn to notice it, and breathe through it. The world can be too much and everything-all-at-once, thus a greater need for parents to reinforce doing things One thing at a time To Completion. And if it's a thing which will take a few weeks, help scheduling and creating small goals per day. Again, Resolve is the issue.

Anxiety for autistics is biological from all the studies coming out now. Perhaps we're wired to sense danger. But apparently we can have less GABA inhibitors (the gut-brain axis) and this means we can't naturally shut down excited thought spiralling beyond our control. Some foods boost GABA, but for kids with added gut issues, we might have difficulty with certain vegetables in the mustard family. Or difficulty with grains. I take a mushroom blend with Lions Mane which helps. 

Here's a good links to feed the soul and one of my favourite sociologists/philosophers from last century :

https://www.themarginalian.org/2017/03/23/the-sane-society-erich-fromm/

There's a lot here to hopefully start looking at things with a fresh perspective. But it sounds like mum and dad need a holiday and some time to regroup.

Lastly, allow him to be negative, this can have benefit for someone working in health care, health and safety, someone responsible for making sure a bridge doesn't collapse. What he needs is tools and resources to problem-solve and troubleshoot. Once a week, help him list 10 things he's grateful for, even if it's just a pair of socks. The smallest thing is valid. And then to learn to not criticise a person, but things, actions, anything fixable. It's OK to say what you did hurt. But also accept if the person didn't mean to. As a parent myself, I started practicing "how can I help". Eventually my son started saying this back after many years :) 

There's a lot here to take in. It sounds like you didn't get the advice and help you needed early on, so you might have set dynamics and years of built-up, unresolved issues creating a difficulty turning this around. 

Here's a few key points which you may or may not know about. 

Alexithymia:https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/autism-and-alexithymia

When someone asks me How are you feeling? I have learned (now much older) to describe what is happening. How am I feeling? Well, it's blue skies and I've just had a coffee. Or in therapy about a situation that I was impacted by, I would say I feel 'unprotected' or 'lost', which are not descriptions of emotion. But the consequence of a thing which happened. I cannot access words or clearly articulate emotions. When young, I was told what I was feeling and often misread. I was often accused of motives I didn't have. And because it would cause further stress, it would further compound the frustration. I can honestly say there was a bit too much of my childhood spent in frustration and tears. But mostly just shutdown.

Chris has a load of insight: https://www.facebook.com/autisticnotweird 

Schools can contribute to more trauma than needed: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyday-neurodiversity/202108/are-we-giving-autistic-children-ptsd-school?fbclid=IwAR0e6pwWeDC7C0c3EJAE1qdd9PyMyCqkgwIvTDEIxPKGBOV7Qn9hrgN5kI8

A few theories right now seem to be important: one is Autistics need Resolve. we need a great deal more uninterrupted alone time which aids learning and thriving. We need to be afforded agency and helped to understand how to make over-informed choices (we often won't ever catch the social rules which are subject to change). We need to be allowed our intensities, as we're far more impacted by sense perception including emotions (which we might not be able to identify) and sensing underlying systems we need knowledge for, along with external senses. From youth to mid 20's is how long it can take to learn to feel the impact, respond and learn to notice it, and breathe through it. The world can be too much and everything-all-at-once, thus a greater need for parents to reinforce doing things One thing at a time To Completion. And if it's a thing which will take a few weeks, help scheduling and creating small goals per day. Again, Resolve is the issue.

Anxiety for autistics is biological from all the studies coming out now. Perhaps we're wired to sense danger. But apparently we can have less GABA inhibitors (the gut-brain axis) and this means we can't naturally shut down excited thought spiralling beyond our control. Some foods boost GABA, but for kids with added gut issues, we might have difficulty with certain vegetables in the mustard family. Or difficulty with grains. I take a mushroom blend with Lions Mane which helps. 

Here's a good links to feed the soul and one of my favourite sociologists/philosophers from last century :

https://www.themarginalian.org/2017/03/23/the-sane-society-erich-fromm/

There's a lot here to hopefully start looking at things with a fresh perspective. But it sounds like mum and dad need a holiday and some time to regroup.

Lastly, allow him to be negative, this can have benefit for someone working in health care, health and safety, someone responsible for making sure a bridge doesn't collapse. What he needs is tools and resources to problem-solve and troubleshoot. Once a week, help him list 10 things he's grateful for, even if it's just a pair of socks. The smallest thing is valid. And then to learn to not criticise a person, but things, actions, anything fixable. It's OK to say what you did hurt. But also accept if the person didn't mean to. As a parent myself, I started practicing "how can I help". Eventually my son started saying this back after many years :) 

Thank you I appreciate the time you have put in to respond.  You’re right we were given a diagnoses and that was that.  No one has told us how to be better parents for him.  That’s all we want is some guidance.  I think my husband struggles the most and they just clash constantly.

i will look at the links you sent.

thanks again