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Can behaviour coping/ improvements happen between ages of 5 and 7 years old? (demand avoidance/ dysregulated emotions/ meltdowns)

NAS87511

Hi there. Our son is 5 years old and feels like his demand avoidance etc is getting worse. He started school year OK but he now mostly refuses to stay in the classroom, runs off to escape, and reacts to most demands or pressure. He gets dysregulated often when doesn't get his own way and finds it very hard to cope with his feelings, at home and school. Stating the obvious, we love him to bits and would love for him to develop coping strategies etc in order to be happier and be able to do more 'normal' things he rejects at the moment.

We are trying to get an idea if we can be hopeful that over the next 2 years, with the right help, our son will be able to cope better? to feel less angry/ frustrated/ anxious, and generally calmer. Is this realistic? High chance, low chance? Hoping by age of 7, in 2 years he will be more developed and able to handle his challenges better than he can now. 

We're doing Speech and language therapy, soon to start occupational therapy. Have applied for EHCP at school.

Be good to hear if parents generally think we could be hopeful for good degree of improvement, or if it's not that likley. (Appreciate all kids and families are different and unique!)

thank you.

Parents

  • I would advise a mindset change. PDA (I'm sure I have it along with my father and my youngest niece) is just hellish from the inside. There are times You can't do things even if you want to more than anything in the world. And when I say times, I mean daily. I am afraid your child is going to find life very difficult and I am so sorry. They will find it more difficult if they are made to do things that conform with society's needs, especially if they are forced into it by guilt which was my mother's technique for managing me. 

    With the right therapy he may be able to cope better but if that therapy includes ABA and forcing to do things in ways that neurotypical society finds acceptable you will probably find that you are making matters worse. I am sorry to be blunt. Whilst I did not receive official ABA my parents made me conform through beatings, deprivation of food and being locked in my room and punished every time I stepped out of line. Granted I wasn't diagnosed as a child but I am still carrying the scars that my parents left. 

    I would encourage you to completely review how you think about your child's PDA. Do things differently, do things how they work for you not what teachers or therapists tell you that you should do. Look up Sally cats PDA on Facebook, she has a lot of really useful information that has made it much easier for me to understand myself. We might be quite difficult people to get along with especially when the hormones kick in, but the PDA as I know are highly creative and have so much passion if it isn't stamped out by the rules of society. 

    I hope I haven't made that sound too bad I have been trying very hard to make this a balanced view but I am PDA/ADHD/traumatised and I don't do balance very well!

Reply

  • I would advise a mindset change. PDA (I'm sure I have it along with my father and my youngest niece) is just hellish from the inside. There are times You can't do things even if you want to more than anything in the world. And when I say times, I mean daily. I am afraid your child is going to find life very difficult and I am so sorry. They will find it more difficult if they are made to do things that conform with society's needs, especially if they are forced into it by guilt which was my mother's technique for managing me. 

    With the right therapy he may be able to cope better but if that therapy includes ABA and forcing to do things in ways that neurotypical society finds acceptable you will probably find that you are making matters worse. I am sorry to be blunt. Whilst I did not receive official ABA my parents made me conform through beatings, deprivation of food and being locked in my room and punished every time I stepped out of line. Granted I wasn't diagnosed as a child but I am still carrying the scars that my parents left. 

    I would encourage you to completely review how you think about your child's PDA. Do things differently, do things how they work for you not what teachers or therapists tell you that you should do. Look up Sally cats PDA on Facebook, she has a lot of really useful information that has made it much easier for me to understand myself. We might be quite difficult people to get along with especially when the hormones kick in, but the PDA as I know are highly creative and have so much passion if it isn't stamped out by the rules of society. 

    I hope I haven't made that sound too bad I have been trying very hard to make this a balanced view but I am PDA/ADHD/traumatised and I don't do balance very well!

Children
  • in reply to Max has left the platform (them/they)

    Hi Max this is really useful advice, thank you.
    Sorry you had a rough experience as a child - I guess we are lucky now that much more is known and more tolerant these days. Our approach definitely wouldn't be enforcing/ ABA etc.
    Given what you mentioned about altering mindset, we are also wondering if things dont improve we should look at changing environments and several other 'normal' things - ie not bothering going to parties that we know hes not prob interested in. And even weather a small specialist autism school, or a montessory school where they get to learn by playing and building etc may be better suited to the way his brain works.
    I have several friends who have autistic boys and most say that their kids have learned to 'cope' better with their own feelings and environments at say 7 years old than 5 years old, but we are of course aware that autism and PDA is a life term condition that should be worked with and not against.
    Thanks