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Struggling so much

NAS87379

Hi, 

I’m really struggling at the moment my 3 year old son is waiting for an autism diagnosis will be at least another year I imagine I don’t feel like he’s progressing in anyway and it’s so hard to get him to engage in anything. He is constantly chewing or throwing things can’t get him to do anything else he has a chew buddy try and do a crunchy diet and all of those things but his sensory needs seem to be off the scale at the minute and I can’t get him to engage in anything. He’s biting at nursery and it never seems like it will stop he’s screaming at home and whining and I find the lack of engagement really hard I feel so lonely with him all day. Then he’s becoming aware of when he needs his nappy changing but has been smearing that round in his trousers but doesn’t want to use the toilet I  just feel things don’t seem to be getting any easier and I try so hard I don’t know if things have just finally hit me I don’t know but I’m in tears most days as just starting to worry about everything. He’s under speech don’t really feel like the SENCO at nursery is very helpful either as he’s meant to be trying an extended support plan by she still hasn’t done it yet nearly 8 weeks after it was suggested to do one. I’m just so tired of battling for everything and getting nowhere. 

Parents

  • Hi autistic themself parent of an autistic child here.

    I think you need to cut yourself some slack, unfortunately there is definitely a competitive sense and fear mongering side to parenthood and milestones when the kids are under 5 and toxic sites like Mumsnet do not help.
    Remember even if this period of your life is tough and stressful it can't last forever.
    Also remember that almost no toddler has perfect self regulation physically or control of their emotions, you aren't the first parent to struggle to get a child potty trained by year R and you wont be the last.
    Autistic people aren't a separate species, when we are kids we still need the same stuff other kids do. You need to find a way to gently (but very firmly) start to introduce manageable boundaries. I think all toddlers do that reluctance to potty train, it's new and scary and they are so used to having their bum wiped (literally) they think why change a good thing? Also if they got used to sitting in their own poo and pee they are used to it and anything otherwise feels alien and frightening. But ofc we know they need to be more independant to survive as they grow up.
    With my son we went from nappies to pull ups, used reward charts for successfully making it to the toilet, not that our son was particularly reward driven. We discovered he was comfort driven so we did away with the pull-ups altogether eventually and just expected the accidents with a mop and a bucket, sooner or later he got used to the idea that part of his life (being in nappies) was over for good and he'd have to use the potty if he didn't want wet and sticky legs. He's 11 now and not so much as wet the bed in the last 5 years.
    As for biting (people presumably) at nursery your son needs to find out some behaviours are just plain not acceptable. Tho I suspect you know that already.
    If you go hardline with the boundaries right away that is unlikely to work because the change will be too much too soon, it could be traumatic and if you have walk back your position on the rules it will undermine your authority long term. Take it a step at a time and build the boundary stone by stone. Keep the progress slow but steady. Expect a good degree of pushback at certain points but eventually things will move forwards. Have faith in yourself.

  • in reply to 🐝 Bees 🐝 (they/them) Autism resources in bio #stoptheshock #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs

    Thank you I really appreciate your advice I think sometimes I feel things will never get easier but then he does have a phase where it does. I think I’ve done too much reading into things so trying to put everything in place as well and putting too much pressure on myself . I’m also expecting another baby due any time now so I think that has had a big impact on how I’m feeling too. Thank you again xx

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