Published on 12, July, 2020
I wanted to join a discussion for women married to men with Aspergers but I must be a bit thick as I can't see how to join in the threads I have read so far. I have been married for 45 years and for 34 of those years I have been chronically sick and disabled. Although I always knew my husband was 'a bit strange' I thought it was mostly his upbringing and then this year discovered it was Aspergers. Reading about it and seeing a counseller has helped but I am overwhelmed by the sadness I feel that I have in some ways 'wasted' 45 years of my life expecting something different and always trying to work things out and hope for change. Now I know that I can stop banging my head against a brick wall but I also know that if I could turn the clock back I would not have married this man. I can't leave him now. It's too difficult because of my condition. I have often said that if my husband had taken up medicine he would have been a brilliant surgeon who would save your life but have no bedside manner! It's the emotional support which is lacking. He can build a ramp and adapt a bathroom but when another long term medical condition hit me 3 years ago and I thought I was going to lose my sight he said NOTHING! It's words that fail him. Anyway, this is just a start as I dip my toe into this community... but I would like to hear from other people who are NTs and whose health is not good and have found their partners wanting in that situation because of their lack of empathy. Even though he tells me he loves me every day you begin to wonder what love is because somehow it feels like a mechanical habit as he always says it at the same time and in the same way... Gotta go now
Hi Hotel California,
I didn't answer your question. Yes our children know. They are in their 40s and my daughter's husband works with Autistic children. The grandchildren are too young.
People have often made remarks about H - asking me if he was hard to live with; his oldest friend said he was 'always a funny bugger'; his ex-boss described him as 'an awkward sod' so people were not surprised really. I left the telling of it to H himself. He tends to be a blurter so he blurted it out whenever he felt like it. I talked about it quietly with my own friends. His brothers don't like it and are sceptical.
My children have had to grow up from the ages of 8 and 10 with my progressive illness and disability. My son-in-law once told me that my daughter resented it. In the face of illness for herself she is brave and hates to make a fuss so I think she's had enough of it. When H told her he was an Aspie she said "Rubbish" and then went home to talk to her husband and then she apologised as he told her things which made sense.
By the way, there was a typo in one of my comments. I was giving the scores from the online questionnaire and for some reason I wrote 10 for myself. I did in fact score 7 and that's the lowest for anyone we've asked to do it. H scored 40. He liked doing the questionnaire and felt good about it.