Published on 12, July, 2020
I wanted to join a discussion for women married to men with Aspergers but I must be a bit thick as I can't see how to join in the threads I have read so far. I have been married for 45 years and for 34 of those years I have been chronically sick and disabled. Although I always knew my husband was 'a bit strange' I thought it was mostly his upbringing and then this year discovered it was Aspergers. Reading about it and seeing a counseller has helped but I am overwhelmed by the sadness I feel that I have in some ways 'wasted' 45 years of my life expecting something different and always trying to work things out and hope for change. Now I know that I can stop banging my head against a brick wall but I also know that if I could turn the clock back I would not have married this man. I can't leave him now. It's too difficult because of my condition. I have often said that if my husband had taken up medicine he would have been a brilliant surgeon who would save your life but have no bedside manner! It's the emotional support which is lacking. He can build a ramp and adapt a bathroom but when another long term medical condition hit me 3 years ago and I thought I was going to lose my sight he said NOTHING! It's words that fail him. Anyway, this is just a start as I dip my toe into this community... but I would like to hear from other people who are NTs and whose health is not good and have found their partners wanting in that situation because of their lack of empathy. Even though he tells me he loves me every day you begin to wonder what love is because somehow it feels like a mechanical habit as he always says it at the same time and in the same way... Gotta go now
He is probably regressing due to anxiety and depression, that is what has happened to me. When you get to the limit of your coping you burn out. There is something colloquially called "Aspie burnout" and it's the result of years trying to fit in and cope in what feels like an adverse/hostile environment. It's like that link I posted about spoon theory higher up the thread. You use up all your spoons and in the end you are left struggling along with a small, rusty teaspoon which doesn't quite do it.
This is probably why you may feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall, he spent years exhausting himself trying to be what he was meant to (probably aware of where he was failing but not having the right neurology to know how to address it) and it's kind of crumbled in the end and once he hit depression on top of existential anxiety, he has slipped backwards and you feel that you are never getting anywhere.
He really needs help with his depression if he is to attempt to function adequately. Is he on medication? There is a therapy called CBT which may help him.
If he functions better, that takes some strain off you, so that even if he is not suporting you enough, at least you are not being so much of a carer to him.