Published on 12, July, 2020
I wanted to join a discussion for women married to men with Aspergers but I must be a bit thick as I can't see how to join in the threads I have read so far. I have been married for 45 years and for 34 of those years I have been chronically sick and disabled. Although I always knew my husband was 'a bit strange' I thought it was mostly his upbringing and then this year discovered it was Aspergers. Reading about it and seeing a counseller has helped but I am overwhelmed by the sadness I feel that I have in some ways 'wasted' 45 years of my life expecting something different and always trying to work things out and hope for change. Now I know that I can stop banging my head against a brick wall but I also know that if I could turn the clock back I would not have married this man. I can't leave him now. It's too difficult because of my condition. I have often said that if my husband had taken up medicine he would have been a brilliant surgeon who would save your life but have no bedside manner! It's the emotional support which is lacking. He can build a ramp and adapt a bathroom but when another long term medical condition hit me 3 years ago and I thought I was going to lose my sight he said NOTHING! It's words that fail him. Anyway, this is just a start as I dip my toe into this community... but I would like to hear from other people who are NTs and whose health is not good and have found their partners wanting in that situation because of their lack of empathy. Even though he tells me he loves me every day you begin to wonder what love is because somehow it feels like a mechanical habit as he always says it at the same time and in the same way... Gotta go now
I do feel sorry for you. Having babies is a time when you need support.
The ironic thing is, that my husband (who is NT) has had many unsupportive and thoughtless moments over the years. It isn't all H's condition, there will be other factors like his upbringing. From what you say it's likely that his family members may have autistic conditions too.
Things take time to take on board with Asperger's. You can learn the right way, but it might take a few incidents of things to get you there.
Have you ever written down something to H to explain it in B&W? Verbally things don't go in well with ASCs which is why there are PECS cards for autistic children. Maybe if he sees on paper how you feel it will help him take it on board. You could even write him a sort of "instruction list" on what he needs to do in different situations, and Dos & Don'ts. Hopefully eventually he wouldn't need the list.
With the tears, I know that is very hard to have a reaction like that, the reason is that he will not have known what to do with that type of emotional reaction. I feel very uncomfortable when people cry as I don't know what to do (except my children of course).