Published on 12, July, 2020
I wanted to join a discussion for women married to men with Aspergers but I must be a bit thick as I can't see how to join in the threads I have read so far. I have been married for 45 years and for 34 of those years I have been chronically sick and disabled. Although I always knew my husband was 'a bit strange' I thought it was mostly his upbringing and then this year discovered it was Aspergers. Reading about it and seeing a counseller has helped but I am overwhelmed by the sadness I feel that I have in some ways 'wasted' 45 years of my life expecting something different and always trying to work things out and hope for change. Now I know that I can stop banging my head against a brick wall but I also know that if I could turn the clock back I would not have married this man. I can't leave him now. It's too difficult because of my condition. I have often said that if my husband had taken up medicine he would have been a brilliant surgeon who would save your life but have no bedside manner! It's the emotional support which is lacking. He can build a ramp and adapt a bathroom but when another long term medical condition hit me 3 years ago and I thought I was going to lose my sight he said NOTHING! It's words that fail him. Anyway, this is just a start as I dip my toe into this community... but I would like to hear from other people who are NTs and whose health is not good and have found their partners wanting in that situation because of their lack of empathy. Even though he tells me he loves me every day you begin to wonder what love is because somehow it feels like a mechanical habit as he always says it at the same time and in the same way... Gotta go now
You could tell him that you will get someone else to take you (when and if that's a possibility) because that's what you want, if he thinks you're saying it because he wants it that might be the sticking point as he then gets defensive. If you tell him, "do you know what, I'm getting Nancy to come with me today because we need a catch up and there is this knitting pattern I need help with that she is an expert on." (e.g.) that might work.
Also, perhaps if when he does a job around the house, you commented "that's great that you did that, you are so caring" and he might not tend to assume the worst if you get other people for other things.
Distraction often works well with autistic people, so if he is focused on another element of the reason he might not perseverate on the one he usually does.
Can you download Skype and talk to friends and relatives that way? That will make him feel you are not alone and he is not abandoning you if he needs to go out for a walk.
There is always the option of you getting an assesment of yourself from adult social care which could bring official respite (you contact your local council). He might not have any problem with that as it's something official which you are entitled to irrespective of whether he is able to do things for you or not.