Published on 12, July, 2020
I wanted to join a discussion for women married to men with Aspergers but I must be a bit thick as I can't see how to join in the threads I have read so far. I have been married for 45 years and for 34 of those years I have been chronically sick and disabled. Although I always knew my husband was 'a bit strange' I thought it was mostly his upbringing and then this year discovered it was Aspergers. Reading about it and seeing a counseller has helped but I am overwhelmed by the sadness I feel that I have in some ways 'wasted' 45 years of my life expecting something different and always trying to work things out and hope for change. Now I know that I can stop banging my head against a brick wall but I also know that if I could turn the clock back I would not have married this man. I can't leave him now. It's too difficult because of my condition. I have often said that if my husband had taken up medicine he would have been a brilliant surgeon who would save your life but have no bedside manner! It's the emotional support which is lacking. He can build a ramp and adapt a bathroom but when another long term medical condition hit me 3 years ago and I thought I was going to lose my sight he said NOTHING! It's words that fail him. Anyway, this is just a start as I dip my toe into this community... but I would like to hear from other people who are NTs and whose health is not good and have found their partners wanting in that situation because of their lack of empathy. Even though he tells me he loves me every day you begin to wonder what love is because somehow it feels like a mechanical habit as he always says it at the same time and in the same way... Gotta go now
Hello IntenseWorld,
You have explained it very well. Thank you.
For anyone else reading this - please don't think that I'm nagging at my husband in these situations. I wouldn't do that and I do try to understand. Sometimes at the hospital he has to go out for some fresh air because he also hates getting hot and he's too hot most of the time which is why he prefers winter. He can also go for a coffee whenever he likes or read a magazine. I can't do these things so I listen to my radio with earphones until I get called.
He is a highly intelligent, very assertive, very strong minded man and in my weakened state it is often difficult to find other solutions like respite care. He doesn't want to be judged as uncaring and would resent it if I told him that I'm going to get someone else to take me. This has been the case since I became ill. He doesn't want people to think he can't cope. Anything that diverts him from his own path then makes him depressed.
I'm talking about problems here and not about the rest of our life which is not a problem because I don't need help with that. I just need other people's input on how to cope with the problems. I'm not daft enough to stay with someone who made me miserable all the time.
There was a mention about friends - I've always had lots of friends and still have some from primary school days but as you get older they die, get ill themselves, have grandchildren or elderly parents to take care of, move away.... all kinds of reasons why they can't come round with a casserole and some soothing chat. Nor do they have the time to sit in a hospital for hours on end every month.
I am also lucky in that I am not housebound all of the time. When I can, I go and sing in a choir and meet up with friends for lunch but again this always depends on my husband giving me lifts because we have an adapted car to take my electric wheelchair. I have also spent 3 months in Australia with my wonderful sister-in-law who knew how to take care of me. I thought it would be a relief for my husband to have that time to himself but he was miserable without me. As many people have said about him - there isn't much in the middle. He's either the comedian in the middle of the room with a loud voice or he's skulking near the exit anxious to make his escape. He either wants dead silence in the house or he's blaring out loud rock 'n' roll and singing at the top of his voice. I've just read 'be different' by John Elder Robison and he explains this very well.