Disabled and married to an Aspie

Thank you everyone for your comments, advice and contributions.  As some of  you will know, having 'people' in the house is a big No No for some Aspies and this has been one of the main difficulties since I became disabled.  It was a huge struggle to get in a cleaner and had to involve a great deal of negotiation to  make this acceptable.   He could only bear it by using that day to go for the long walks which he loves - by himself of course.  That's how he recharges his batteries but before that whenever I tried to get in help he would be highly resistant, resent paying someone, resent the person no matter how nice they were but now he tells himself that the cleaner is here to keep me company while he's out.   I don't need someone with me all the time.  I would feel stifled too and I'm rated 7 on the questionnaire so definitely a people person!   The cleaner has become a dear friend and listening ear.  She does the jobs around the house which he hates and has given me back some autonomy in that I can get her to do the housework and ironing etc. in the way that I like them done so that I still feel I have some input.  My husband would not accept having anyone here if he couldn't get out of the way.  I think he  made himself good at DIY just because he hates to have people in the house.  He can't even stand the window cleaner who doesn't set foot inside!  Some of these things have become a joke between us and, as one of you has said, it's impossible to give a full picture of your life on these blogs.  

I did try to say that the Aspergers thing is new to both of us.  Because my husband and I came from completely different backgrounds we thought that was why we saw the world differently.  I come from a rough and tumble working class family where everything was out in the open and if you got up in a bad mood someone would say, "What's the  matter with you?  Get out of bed the wrong side?"   And then I joined an academic, middle class family.  I dislike generalisations but it seemed to me that they were pretty much the stereotypical repressed public school types.  There were no daughters in the family - only boys and a widowed father.  I thought that my husband would get something from my warm jolly family and see that things didn't have to be quite as cold as they were in his (for all kinds of reasons which I can't go into here).  So thinking for years that all we had to do - me, my family, our children, was to give him lots of love and he'd be o.k. and stop getting depressed was in the end proved wrong.  Knowing now that it is Aspergers has made a HUGE difference and we are still learning from each other.

 So, I appreciate the trouble you have all taken to reply.  My main aim remains the same in that it's the people who are in my position I need contact with the most so thank you Barnaby Crumble as we seem to be in a similar position and I will write more to you another time if that's ok.

 I don't need to be told what it's like for my husband to sit in a hospital with bright lights.  I know that already but if you are uncomfortable in that situation because of AS then how much more uncomfortable is it for a sick person, whose eyes have been dilated and who is waiting for hours sometimes for yet another injection in her eye knowing that this will be followed by 7 hours of agonising pain?   Is there never a time when the person with AS can see that their bit of 'suffering' is really out of proportion to another persons?  That's a big question....

Thank you everyone for your comments, advice and contributions.  As some of  you will know, having 'people' in the house is a big No No for some Aspies and this has been one of the main difficulties since I became disabled.  It was a huge struggle to get in a cleaner and had to involve a great deal of negotiation to  make this acceptable.   He could only bear it by using that day to go for the long walks which he loves - by himself of course.  That's how he recharges his batteries but before that whenever I tried to get in help he would be highly resistant, resent paying someone, resent the person no matter how nice they were but now he tells himself that the cleaner is here to keep me company while he's out.   I don't need someone with me all the time.  I would feel stifled too and I'm rated 7 on the questionnaire so definitely a people person!   The cleaner has become a dear friend and listening ear.  She does the jobs around the house which he hates and has given me back some autonomy in that I can get her to do the housework and ironing etc. in the way that I like them done so that I still feel I have some input.  My husband would not accept having anyone here if he couldn't get out of the way.  I think he  made himself good at DIY just because he hates to have people in the house.  He can't even stand the window cleaner who doesn't set foot inside!  Some of these things have become a joke between us and, as one of you has said, it's impossible to give a full picture of your life on these blogs.  

I did try to say that the Aspergers thing is new to both of us.  Because my husband and I came from completely different backgrounds we thought that was why we saw the world differently.  I come from a rough and tumble working class family where everything was out in the open and if you got up in a bad mood someone would say, "What's the  matter with you?  Get out of bed the wrong side?"   And then I joined an academic, middle class family.  I dislike generalisations but it seemed to me that they were pretty much the stereotypical repressed public school types.  There were no daughters in the family - only boys and a widowed father.  I thought that my husband would get something from my warm jolly family and see that things didn't have to be quite as cold as they were in his (for all kinds of reasons which I can't go into here).  So thinking for years that all we had to do - me, my family, our children, was to give him lots of love and he'd be o.k. and stop getting depressed was in the end proved wrong.  Knowing now that it is Aspergers has made a HUGE difference and we are still learning from each other.

 So, I appreciate the trouble you have all taken to reply.  My main aim remains the same in that it's the people who are in my position I need contact with the most so thank you Barnaby Crumble as we seem to be in a similar position and I will write more to you another time if that's ok.

 I don't need to be told what it's like for my husband to sit in a hospital with bright lights.  I know that already but if you are uncomfortable in that situation because of AS then how much more uncomfortable is it for a sick person, whose eyes have been dilated and who is waiting for hours sometimes for yet another injection in her eye knowing that this will be followed by 7 hours of agonising pain?   Is there never a time when the person with AS can see that their bit of 'suffering' is really out of proportion to another persons?  That's a big question....