Published on 12, July, 2020
I wanted to join a discussion for women married to men with Aspergers but I must be a bit thick as I can't see how to join in the threads I have read so far. I have been married for 45 years and for 34 of those years I have been chronically sick and disabled. Although I always knew my husband was 'a bit strange' I thought it was mostly his upbringing and then this year discovered it was Aspergers. Reading about it and seeing a counseller has helped but I am overwhelmed by the sadness I feel that I have in some ways 'wasted' 45 years of my life expecting something different and always trying to work things out and hope for change. Now I know that I can stop banging my head against a brick wall but I also know that if I could turn the clock back I would not have married this man. I can't leave him now. It's too difficult because of my condition. I have often said that if my husband had taken up medicine he would have been a brilliant surgeon who would save your life but have no bedside manner! It's the emotional support which is lacking. He can build a ramp and adapt a bathroom but when another long term medical condition hit me 3 years ago and I thought I was going to lose my sight he said NOTHING! It's words that fail him. Anyway, this is just a start as I dip my toe into this community... but I would like to hear from other people who are NTs and whose health is not good and have found their partners wanting in that situation because of their lack of empathy. Even though he tells me he loves me every day you begin to wonder what love is because somehow it feels like a mechanical habit as he always says it at the same time and in the same way... Gotta go now
Hi WinnieMay.
Welcome to the club honey, I have M.S and my son has Aspergers, once we started on the rocky path to diagnosis for my son a lot of things fell into place with my husband. We have always said they are two pea's in a pod and this last year I have been free'd of a huge amount of guilt and confussion. Being surrounded (which is what it feels like) by Aspie people (husband isnt diagnosed but he'd pass hands down) can be very intense especially when I have myself to deal with as well.
On the down side I can feel very alone, I hate some days, it can be so rubbish. But on the positive side, he has never let us down, he works so hard for us, has a very obscure sense of humour-that I get!.He gets on with life, doesnt get phased by things and keeps this emotional wreck on an even keel. Yes he likes his own space and I like mine. It feels like we do our own thing and meet back in the middle sometimes, to be honest a husband that wanted to know what I was doing would drive me mad, he has made me become independent and I thank him for that.
It is hard knowing that we have been doing virtually the same thing for the last 23 years and that will continue throughout our future but I have the advantage of doing all the things that I want and can and if he doesnt want to do them with me I know I havent got a sulking man at home I have someone thats happily doing what he wants. I know he loves me and some times I have to be content with just 'knowing' and not being told but thats ok, there are many ways of showing love and for him its the fact that he works so hard for us, that he will compromise some times to do what we want.That he trusts me with out question as I do him.
Sometimes it can be tough but every relationship has good and bad days and I look at my friends marriages and relationships and there are a lot of things I would find stifling.
I love my Aspie family with all my heart and I know they love me to in their own ways x