Published on 12, July, 2020
I wanted to join a discussion for women married to men with Aspergers but I must be a bit thick as I can't see how to join in the threads I have read so far. I have been married for 45 years and for 34 of those years I have been chronically sick and disabled. Although I always knew my husband was 'a bit strange' I thought it was mostly his upbringing and then this year discovered it was Aspergers. Reading about it and seeing a counseller has helped but I am overwhelmed by the sadness I feel that I have in some ways 'wasted' 45 years of my life expecting something different and always trying to work things out and hope for change. Now I know that I can stop banging my head against a brick wall but I also know that if I could turn the clock back I would not have married this man. I can't leave him now. It's too difficult because of my condition. I have often said that if my husband had taken up medicine he would have been a brilliant surgeon who would save your life but have no bedside manner! It's the emotional support which is lacking. He can build a ramp and adapt a bathroom but when another long term medical condition hit me 3 years ago and I thought I was going to lose my sight he said NOTHING! It's words that fail him. Anyway, this is just a start as I dip my toe into this community... but I would like to hear from other people who are NTs and whose health is not good and have found their partners wanting in that situation because of their lack of empathy. Even though he tells me he loves me every day you begin to wonder what love is because somehow it feels like a mechanical habit as he always says it at the same time and in the same way... Gotta go now
Hi WhinnieMay,
There are always going to be strong feelings and opinions on forums and this one is no exception.
I do empathise and sympathise with your situation and you defo have a right to have a moan and let off steam.
It is unfortunatly very hard to grasp what is going on in another person's life especially on the internet when we don't have the facts from both sides and as people with autism may struggle with other people's emotions.
I think there are some useful stratagies that others have mentioned, especially the newsletter type thing and prehaps getting a break from it by having carers in. I know that some people inlcuing myself are hessitant at the idea but it is a thought.
On a practical note, it is very difficult to pinpoint if the issues are due to your husband's age, autism or just his personality (just being a man) and therefore hard to give advice but I will try.
Have you considered couple therapy as this may be able to explain to your husband the emotional side you're craving for which you aren't getting.
And sorry to sound a bit sexist but it may be your husband may be one of those physical man types in the sense he's more inclined to do physical jobs like the things you mentioned than considering your feelings.
I'm sorry I'm not able to give you more advice but there are others on here who are NTs in a relationship with an Aspie. I hope they may be able to give you more in-depth advice.
By the way, look forward to the book
urspecial.