Published on 12, July, 2020
I wanted to join a discussion for women married to men with Aspergers but I must be a bit thick as I can't see how to join in the threads I have read so far. I have been married for 45 years and for 34 of those years I have been chronically sick and disabled. Although I always knew my husband was 'a bit strange' I thought it was mostly his upbringing and then this year discovered it was Aspergers. Reading about it and seeing a counseller has helped but I am overwhelmed by the sadness I feel that I have in some ways 'wasted' 45 years of my life expecting something different and always trying to work things out and hope for change. Now I know that I can stop banging my head against a brick wall but I also know that if I could turn the clock back I would not have married this man. I can't leave him now. It's too difficult because of my condition. I have often said that if my husband had taken up medicine he would have been a brilliant surgeon who would save your life but have no bedside manner! It's the emotional support which is lacking. He can build a ramp and adapt a bathroom but when another long term medical condition hit me 3 years ago and I thought I was going to lose my sight he said NOTHING! It's words that fail him. Anyway, this is just a start as I dip my toe into this community... but I would like to hear from other people who are NTs and whose health is not good and have found their partners wanting in that situation because of their lack of empathy. Even though he tells me he loves me every day you begin to wonder what love is because somehow it feels like a mechanical habit as he always says it at the same time and in the same way... Gotta go now
Thank you for your comments. I feel that you are judging me harshly. I am new to this. I was hoping for other people with disabilities or chronic illness who are living with someone with Aspergers to be able to share their experiences with me. It's impossible to give a full picture right away. I have tried to be fair to my husband by stating where he is strong and reliable. This idea that he is disabled too is a new one to both of us. Learning about Aspergers has made him happier than he's ever been. He now says he realises why he has felt out of step with people and the world around him and that without me he could not have managed. Knowing the reason for it has helped both of us enormously. Initially he had been diagnosed with depression many years ago and I have tried to help him with that. It is unfortunate that I have an illness which is in many ways contraversial and has no cure but I'm not going to go into that. People see me in a wheelchair and see him looking fit and well and so he is known as the carer. They do not see that I am his carer too. Why would they? He is deeply introverted and so does not like to talk about himself and likes to present a strong capable picture to the world.
I cannot answer all of the questions you pose because I feel that you sound too angry but you have misinterpreted my previous comment but you are entitled to your opinions. I take care of my husband in every possible way and I always have done but sometimes you need somewhere where you can have a moan and not be judged!