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My brother’s needs are ruining my relationship with my family.

NAS89773

Please respond with advice as I don’t know where to go anymore. 

My older brother has been diagnosed with autism (I would say it is high functioning) since he was a child. I am 3 1/2 years younger than him and therefore witnessed all the challenges he faced because of this. I could go into further detail about this if necessary, but to sum up a long story he has struggled with social interactions as well as depression for most of my life.

Over the past 6 months-year I started to notice a change in my brother. Every year I felt as though he would become more comfortable with social interactions as college really helped him with his anxiety as well as generally seemed to just make him happier. Post grad COVID hit which was hard on everyone, but I noticed a steady decline more recently. He is insecure about not having a relationship and instead of admitting his anxiety involving this subject he has become more hateful towards women when he speaks. I noticed this about 4 months ago and thought nothing of it, as people with autism can sometimes have emotionally immature reactions because of the struggle to express themselves in a “neurotypical” way. 

This weekend, however, was a turning point in our relationship. My brother revealed to me that he thinks about killing me, as well as my parents and other family members. He named high school bullies, random celebrities and other miscellaneous individuals as people who he also had this same feeling towards. I obviously was extremely scared for my own well being as well as my family and others as I wasn’t sure if he would act on these thoughts. I immediately told my parents and they continued to say that although he needs to address this with his therapist immediately, I should feel thankful that he feels comfortable enough to mention these things to me. They also spoke about how he isn’t a “strong” person and without a weapon he has no means to carry out these thoughts, as well as this also having the possibility of just being a cry for attention. 

My parents were on vacation when this occurred so when they returned they informed me that he spoke to his therapist, had a “life changing” session and I shouldn’t think/talk about this again. They said how I should be happy that he is getting help and I am not the victim in this situation therefore I shouldn’t feel anyway about it. To quote my dad “He said he was going to kill me too and I didn’t even think twice about it, and you shouldn’t either”.

Am I crazy to think that I am not deserving of this? That it’s abnormal for a sibling to even feel comfortable scaring their sister in that way even if it is just a cry for attention? They yelled at me that I shouldn’t treat him any differently than before, and when I said I felt unsafe they mocked me by saying “then sleep with your door closed”. I feel alone and unsupported by my family, as they take my stress and need for guidance in managing my emotions in this situation as playing victim. For context I am only 22 and although I have been through many stressful and painful situations with my brother, nothing has come close to this and therefore I don’t know how to process it. I feel like my parents are disappointed in me as they believe I’m acting upset for attention. 

Please let me know the best way for me to handle this situation. I understand that having patience for a sibling with special needs is important but I feel as though as of late my parents expect my patience to be blind forgiveness for any action no matter the severity. I don’t know if I am truly overreacting or not and would appreciate guidance in this situation. 

Parents

  • Hi, I’m really sorry that you’re struggling with this very complex situation. It sounds like your whole family is under a lot of stress, and I’m sorry that your parents haven’t been able to fully acknowledge and address your concerns. Of course it’s natural that you should be alarmed and worried by your brother saying these things to you and to other family members. 
    Obviously no one on here can fully know the reality and the complexities of what your brother is thinking and feeling, or what’s really happening in regards to these things he is saying. 

    However - as an autistic woman with 2 autistic sons - I thought I’d make the following comments in case they might be helpful.

    Firstly, thinking something can be a million miles away from acting on it. For instance many people have suicidal thinking but never come close to actively planning suicide. Often quite extreme thoughts are the result of a struggle to handle very difficult emotions and life events etc. When we are severely mentally struggling the mind comes up with all sorts of strange thoughts and ideas - but often that’s all they are: thoughts. Could your brother be struggling with OCD and Intrusive thoughts? Has OCD been mentioned? Because often OCD can result in very disturbing thoughts (for example harming people you’re close too) - and in reality the person is horrified by the idea they might harm someone - and that’s why they obsess over the idea of doing it. Not because they WANT to - but because the idea is so disturbing to them. 

    I would also suggest that the fact your brother is verbalising these things means he is much LESS likely to do them. If he was genuinely planning to harm someone then he probably wouldn’t  tell them in advance. I think the likelihood is that he’s had these disturbing thoughts - which upset him - and he doesn’t know how to deal with them, and in talking about them is seeking help and reassurance. 

    In terms of your parents, it might be helpful to arrange a time when you can be alone with them and have a very open conversation about your concerns - and explain that you have found their slightly dismissive response unhelpful. You dad obviously isn’t at all troubled by it - ask him why that is. Perhaps he has concrete evidence behind his attitude to this that he could share with you that would give you more reassurance? 

    I think that in an ideal world yo7 would all sit down together - including your brother, and have an open and honest conversation about this whole issue. But I understand that your brother might be just too fragile to be able to deal with that at this point.

    Also - has your brother EVER been violent in the past? Do you have any evidence at all that he is prone to an extreme act of violence? I’m hoping the answer is no. Because last behaviour is a fairly good indicator of someone’s nature and the way they generally react.

    And: I know you’re feeling scared but if you can try to mindful of the fact that your brother is actually very vulnerable. I think if you can focus more on compassion for him that might help alleviate your fear of him. I suspect he is feeling much more anxious and scared than you are. 
    Try to talk to him to understand why he is feeling so overwhelmed and desperate. More communication with him might reassure you. 

    I know it’s hard - and I’m sorry. Being around people who are struggling with their mental health is really challenging and can be exhausting. It’s also worth bearing in mind that there’s a lot of fear around mental illness resulting in violence but if you look at the evidence it’s actually very rare that this actually happens.

Reply

  • Hi, I’m really sorry that you’re struggling with this very complex situation. It sounds like your whole family is under a lot of stress, and I’m sorry that your parents haven’t been able to fully acknowledge and address your concerns. Of course it’s natural that you should be alarmed and worried by your brother saying these things to you and to other family members. 
    Obviously no one on here can fully know the reality and the complexities of what your brother is thinking and feeling, or what’s really happening in regards to these things he is saying. 

    However - as an autistic woman with 2 autistic sons - I thought I’d make the following comments in case they might be helpful.

    Firstly, thinking something can be a million miles away from acting on it. For instance many people have suicidal thinking but never come close to actively planning suicide. Often quite extreme thoughts are the result of a struggle to handle very difficult emotions and life events etc. When we are severely mentally struggling the mind comes up with all sorts of strange thoughts and ideas - but often that’s all they are: thoughts. Could your brother be struggling with OCD and Intrusive thoughts? Has OCD been mentioned? Because often OCD can result in very disturbing thoughts (for example harming people you’re close too) - and in reality the person is horrified by the idea they might harm someone - and that’s why they obsess over the idea of doing it. Not because they WANT to - but because the idea is so disturbing to them. 

    I would also suggest that the fact your brother is verbalising these things means he is much LESS likely to do them. If he was genuinely planning to harm someone then he probably wouldn’t  tell them in advance. I think the likelihood is that he’s had these disturbing thoughts - which upset him - and he doesn’t know how to deal with them, and in talking about them is seeking help and reassurance. 

    In terms of your parents, it might be helpful to arrange a time when you can be alone with them and have a very open conversation about your concerns - and explain that you have found their slightly dismissive response unhelpful. You dad obviously isn’t at all troubled by it - ask him why that is. Perhaps he has concrete evidence behind his attitude to this that he could share with you that would give you more reassurance? 

    I think that in an ideal world yo7 would all sit down together - including your brother, and have an open and honest conversation about this whole issue. But I understand that your brother might be just too fragile to be able to deal with that at this point.

    Also - has your brother EVER been violent in the past? Do you have any evidence at all that he is prone to an extreme act of violence? I’m hoping the answer is no. Because last behaviour is a fairly good indicator of someone’s nature and the way they generally react.

    And: I know you’re feeling scared but if you can try to mindful of the fact that your brother is actually very vulnerable. I think if you can focus more on compassion for him that might help alleviate your fear of him. I suspect he is feeling much more anxious and scared than you are. 
    Try to talk to him to understand why he is feeling so overwhelmed and desperate. More communication with him might reassure you. 

    I know it’s hard - and I’m sorry. Being around people who are struggling with their mental health is really challenging and can be exhausting. It’s also worth bearing in mind that there’s a lot of fear around mental illness resulting in violence but if you look at the evidence it’s actually very rare that this actually happens.

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