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Struggling to cope

Daisy

Hi everyone,

I have had enough right now, I have been pushed to breaking point by my 8 year old son's behaviour. I currently have a broken nose as he got upset/angry whilst writing - he independently realised and corrected his spelling mistake and me congratulating for that was enough to send him into a rage, whereby he threw his drawing board aside, forgetting that I was sitting next to him and the bridge of my nose took the brunt of it. I was bleeding and shouted so he just lay on the sofa wailing that I made him upset and not comprehending the seriousness of what he had done. I had to tell him that, things are not always all about him - that Mommy is bleeding right now and that's more important.

After the first week of autumn term, he decided he wasn't going to school any more. It's a special school and they have been fantastic with setting him a reduced timetable, where he can just go and play and do occupational therapy type stuff. I have had to bribe him to attend school by rewarding him with a trip to the toy shop after school to get a new toy car. Which worked to get him to attend - he has been in 4 days this week. However, it's typically for an hour or two in the afternoon just so he can get his toy car. He has just taken the p*ss by deciding to go in for the last 15 mins of school, just so he can get a toy car. So I've had to drop everything and drive in on an empty stomach. It's been like this all week. I felt silly taking him in so late - his teacher was nice about it but the TA was giving me a disapproving look out of the door - which pretty much broke me as no-one really knows how hard I've tried. I don't give up - even though my nose has been hurting for the past week I've given my son the very best to try and encourage his development and wellbeing. 

Just now when we got home, I lost my temper in the kitchen (away from my son of course) as his dad had been critical about my parenting, saying I was going to be inconsistent about implementing a new cut off time for getting a reward for going to school - which is a fantasy in his head as I certainly wasn't going to be inconsistent. My partner is autistic himself but denies it. So I lost my temper cos I feel like I am trying to do all of the parenting myself and he just leaves it all to me as our son won't accept his dad doing anything for him. So I banged a cup down and in response my partner threw my yoghurt pots across the kitchen and broke them all. Which he has now cleared up. It's our 14th anniversary today and now it's all gone down the pan.

Thanks for reading.

  • It sounds to me like his father should stay home and you could do with being the main earner in the family? 

    Father and son could use more bonding time and mum could use a retreat. 

    The problem with any autistic child is that frustration is felt intensely, as are typical with our sense-perception- all of us will have varying sensory experiences in degrees and some may be more sensitive to a thing than others. But it has been misidentified for decades in females (more than males) as bipolar, when in fact, it's a highly sensory impact and it overwhelms the self, to the point we might not be aware of external things. This is the same with extreme pain, when the body is overwhelmed and it's impossible to just snap out of it. 

    If it seems like he's not phased about your suffering, it could be the intensity of his frustration had flooded him to the same level you expressed, it's hard for any child to reconcile the extremity of another when they're still learning to navigate the world themselves. Autistic children can often feel like everything is always crossing their boundaries, and we don't tend to learn how to afford ourselves limits until much much older than our non-autistic peers, so don't realise until 30ish that a thing like 'having boundaries' even exists! This is because we cannot dull our senses the same, so everything can be too intimate, much too real. It's a really difficult one. We are genuinely the fragile seedling left out under the elements. 

    My son is highly sensitive and dyslexic and depending on the task or subject received words of affirmation as condescending. I eventually learned to ask if he would like validation. But then I'd recall feeling the same, but growing up with a mother who's most likely undiagnosed ADHD and constantly needed affirmation. But, when I think about it, I don't like others commenting on my 'improvement' - no one wants to be voted the most improved. I don't even like it when others comment on a hair cut, it's alarmingly uncomfortable. I suppose in a society where we are constantly judged, it's such a relief to find a friend who not only doesn't comment when we've made a mistake, but turns the crowd's attention elsewhere or swoops in to cover us with out ever needing to speak about it in the future. Oh the graciousness of forgetting and to live somewhere one has a right to have a thing forgotten.

  • in reply to Lau

    Hi Lou, thank you for your reply. I have told him that my nose is broken - not in an accusing way, but matter of factly and told him he needs to be careful when he gets angry not to hurt anyone. He didn't reply, just lay on his tummy, facing away from me for a few minutes, then decided to play doctor with his stuffed animals.

  • I’m so sorry to hear you have been injured.

    Does your child understand now that the situation has calmed down that he hurt your body and made your nose bleed? 

    Please don’t feel ashamed or hide that your son has hurt you. It’s your business to decide who you tell but I understand we often hide things for fear of judgement from others. 

  • I haven't told anyone about my son breaking my nose as although he was in a rage, it was an accident that the drawing board hit me. I don't want my family to think he's a violent thug and not let him play with his younger cousins.

    I haven't told school either as I don't want them to label my son as violent or call social services or anything. Am I making the right decision or should I have told them?