Severe anxiety school refusal

I admit I have no idea how well this will work for you and your son, because I have the advantage of being an adult with a lot of practiced self awareness, but I learned if my meltdowns had anxiety either in the trigger, rumblings, or expression, then the solution was to allow for escape, get out of ground zero, find a quiet place and then treat it like a panic attack with anger, pacing, and stimming, and using the same grounding techniques as a panic attack. It takes parctice and doesn't always succeed in the early days because you're literally using your last ounce of self control to try catch and stop a speeding runaway train (brain).

He must know punch and kicking is unnaceptable because it can hurt people, but also it's a product of the fustration in a meltdown, the safest thing is to let him get on with it somewhere quiet where he can't hurt others and work it out of his system.

Does he have PDA? because sometimes I also found it helped reduce anxiety by allowing myself the option of not doing it, I find I feel calmer and more likely to do a thing that isn't obligatory. Also PDA may be a total misnomer in my opinion as with anxiety the need to control things so you feel safer is quite normal imo.

Thanks so much for your insightful response! much appreciated. I am just looking at PDA now, I have come across it before but not fully looked into it. It does explain a few things. Thankyou!

Thanks so much for your insightful response! much appreciated. I am just looking at PDA now, I have come across it before but not fully looked into it. It does explain a few things. Thankyou!