invisible struggles... looking for hope

My son was diagnosed with autism at age 5. I moved him to a private nursery, and then a private small primary but when he transitioned to secondary he was bullied and suffered meltdowns. I had not grasped how his autism was playing into this as I had coped so well and had been unprepared for what happened next. He then attended a small private school which had excellent pastoral support with a teacher who was trained in dealing with autistic children. Sadly he was suspended several times and eventually expelled in his final GCSE year. I tried to fight his case, given his suspensions and expulsions could be explained by his autism and such children are vulnerable and suggestible as they are desperate to make friends and make the wrong friends who are looking for partners in crime. I worked hard on him, focusing on his strengths but also providing him with private tuition. He did well in his GCSEs and is now in his final year of A levels. I am trying to play to his strengths but he lacks initiative. Task management is difficult. He is gifted in languages but has picked Mathematics he is struggling with which will affect his UCAS points. I have extensively liaised with several universities as I feel he should have an equal chance at university given his strength is in foreign languages. I have found a course that is vocational rather than academic. However, it has been an uphill struggle and I did pay dearly for it with the job I do. I have taught him to cook and clean and he can be independent. There are many facets to him I put down to as being simply incapable but there are facets to him that are beyond brilliant. He was bullied for being fat as a child and I got him interested in researching foods and exercise and he now runs marathons. He finds the exercise gives him a focus and it harks back to his younger years where he would stand in front of me not knowing what to do next. I had to tell him what he could do and I think I've been guiding him all his life. However, I do feel he stands a chance at achieving a degree of independence. It's been a very rocky road and I have worked hard, and it has been invisible. I cared for my father with terminal dementia and mine was an invisible role. I care for my son and again it is an invisible role. There have been times when I've given up but he has pulled through. I have had to believe in him when nobody else has. He doesn't make the same mistakes, but he will make new ones and he will get burnt along the way. I believe I have given him something to focus on and I feel he is like a rusty car that needs a lot of work but will get there. I hope. In a sense, what you are describing is a brother who has been failed by society. You can only try as hard as you can, and I would suggest you keep trying. You can't go back in time and right the wrongs, but you can try and remain positive and hopeful. I have found that there are many things autistic people are simply incapable of, and hygiene may be one of them but it could also be a symptom of anxiety or depression. Unfortunately, the idea is that your brother is assumed to have capacity although the question is, at which point does anyone decide capacity is lacking? How much is it autism and is now complex and multifactorial? I would suggest to keep trying and to remain positive. 

My son was diagnosed with autism at age 5. I moved him to a private nursery, and then a private small primary but when he transitioned to secondary he was bullied and suffered meltdowns. I had not grasped how his autism was playing into this as I had coped so well and had been unprepared for what happened next. He then attended a small private school which had excellent pastoral support with a teacher who was trained in dealing with autistic children. Sadly he was suspended several times and eventually expelled in his final GCSE year. I tried to fight his case, given his suspensions and expulsions could be explained by his autism and such children are vulnerable and suggestible as they are desperate to make friends and make the wrong friends who are looking for partners in crime. I worked hard on him, focusing on his strengths but also providing him with private tuition. He did well in his GCSEs and is now in his final year of A levels. I am trying to play to his strengths but he lacks initiative. Task management is difficult. He is gifted in languages but has picked Mathematics he is struggling with which will affect his UCAS points. I have extensively liaised with several universities as I feel he should have an equal chance at university given his strength is in foreign languages. I have found a course that is vocational rather than academic. However, it has been an uphill struggle and I did pay dearly for it with the job I do. I have taught him to cook and clean and he can be independent. There are many facets to him I put down to as being simply incapable but there are facets to him that are beyond brilliant. He was bullied for being fat as a child and I got him interested in researching foods and exercise and he now runs marathons. He finds the exercise gives him a focus and it harks back to his younger years where he would stand in front of me not knowing what to do next. I had to tell him what he could do and I think I've been guiding him all his life. However, I do feel he stands a chance at achieving a degree of independence. It's been a very rocky road and I have worked hard, and it has been invisible. I cared for my father with terminal dementia and mine was an invisible role. I care for my son and again it is an invisible role. There have been times when I've given up but he has pulled through. I have had to believe in him when nobody else has. He doesn't make the same mistakes, but he will make new ones and he will get burnt along the way. I believe I have given him something to focus on and I feel he is like a rusty car that needs a lot of work but will get there. I hope. In a sense, what you are describing is a brother who has been failed by society. You can only try as hard as you can, and I would suggest you keep trying. You can't go back in time and right the wrongs, but you can try and remain positive and hopeful. I have found that there are many things autistic people are simply incapable of, and hygiene may be one of them but it could also be a symptom of anxiety or depression. Unfortunately, the idea is that your brother is assumed to have capacity although the question is, at which point does anyone decide capacity is lacking? How much is it autism and is now complex and multifactorial? I would suggest to keep trying and to remain positive.