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Need help and advice

NAS88020

Hello

my daughter has undiagnosed autism (on waiting list for assessment which will take about 2 years we’ve been told) she’s now 9. 

I’ve known she’s autistic since she was about 2 weeks old. She has always struggled to form bonds with anyone other than her mum and grandparents - she has always struggled to spend time with me for example. Since she was young she’s always engaged in what I know know as stimming. She’s had huge issues with sleep that were pretty extreme as a young child. She’s always struggled with noise etc. School was always stressful and exhausting due to masking but she always did well (not that it matters)

Me and her mum separated in autum 2019. It was fairly amicable, we’d just come to the end of the line. We’d done couples therapy for two years. Part of the issue was us part was the strain that parenting our daughter was causing us. My ex always denied our daughter was neurodivergent (despite working with children with neurodivergence, wtf) 

The pandemic was truly awful for various reasons but we kind of got through it but my ex started a relationship with someone 350 miles away and finally moved with my daughter last year. 

This would be a challenge but throwing autism into the mix makes it completely different. When I go down there or when they come here the change in routine completely freaks my daughter out and she can’t do anything or her mum has to come along or she wants to just watch the iPad or stim. Trying to communicate on the phone or FT is a stone nightmare - it very rarely works well. In short trying to build a relationship as an independent parent is extremely difficult. 


I’ve got no support - no family, supportive partner who also has autism but it’s a new relationship, work are completely useless. Today (first day of the holidays has been beyond a nightmare- unbelievable meltdown this morning- couldn’t do anything apart from watch TV and stim with slime) I see a therapist as I’m in a lucky enough position to be able to pay but beyond that there’s nothing 

what can I do - after today I feel pretty close to snapping and not sure how much more I can take I feel a complete and utter failure as a parent 

Parents

  • I'm sorry to hear you are in this aweful situation.

    Are you autistic yourself? Your description of meltdown and stiming would indicate so.

    If so then this is also going to make it difficult to respond well to social conflict and challenge as the lack of intuitive knowledge of the "rules" makes it hard for us to deal well.

    In terms of seeing your daughter, you are in a tight spot and may need to work with your therapist to accept the situation.

    The alternatives are for you to move to be closer to your daughter and become part of her routines - probably not practical.

    She does not seem to be able to adapt to the infrequent changes in routine when you turn up so you may have to face the hard fact that it won't work well for her, so there is a possibility you may need to see her very infrequently.

    I suspect an environment that may work if rathe than you having time alone with her outside your ex-wifes place, you may need to be invited in to her space with your ex-wife present (at least to start) and for you to be introduced slowly into her own routine for that day.

    Your ex-wife would have to be up to doing this, but given the situation I think she would be reasonable about it so long as her new partnet is not the controlling type and the visits are not frequent.

    It is a toughie but keep the therapy going and work through the grief that the situation is causing. You may find a way forward so keep hopeful and please use this forum if you want to keep talking and find support.

Reply

  • I'm sorry to hear you are in this aweful situation.

    Are you autistic yourself? Your description of meltdown and stiming would indicate so.

    If so then this is also going to make it difficult to respond well to social conflict and challenge as the lack of intuitive knowledge of the "rules" makes it hard for us to deal well.

    In terms of seeing your daughter, you are in a tight spot and may need to work with your therapist to accept the situation.

    The alternatives are for you to move to be closer to your daughter and become part of her routines - probably not practical.

    She does not seem to be able to adapt to the infrequent changes in routine when you turn up so you may have to face the hard fact that it won't work well for her, so there is a possibility you may need to see her very infrequently.

    I suspect an environment that may work if rathe than you having time alone with her outside your ex-wifes place, you may need to be invited in to her space with your ex-wife present (at least to start) and for you to be introduced slowly into her own routine for that day.

    Your ex-wife would have to be up to doing this, but given the situation I think she would be reasonable about it so long as her new partnet is not the controlling type and the visits are not frequent.

    It is a toughie but keep the therapy going and work through the grief that the situation is causing. You may find a way forward so keep hopeful and please use this forum if you want to keep talking and find support.

Children
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