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Challenges of being Parent of Young adult with autism - any advice ??

Suzanne

Hi,

I have just joined this forum as I am a parent of an adult of 20 who received an autism diagnosis last year. I encouraged my son to seek a diagnosis because he has really struggled since leaving school to find his way. He has dropped out of two college courses, he doesn’t seem to be able to apply himself, and he has had two part time jobs which he has left after a few months because he found them too boring and difficult. I have tried to encourage him to find work but he is not interested. I know it sounds like a cliche but he spends most of his time in his room playing computer games. He stays up late and sleeps until around 1 if I don’t ask him to get up. We end up having a lot of arguments, he is very oppositional and demand avoidant. If I ask him to help with housework it usually ends in an argument and he is increasingly verbally abusive towards me, swearing and calling me a b**ch. he sees me as being overly critical of him, which I know has been a problem in the past, I didn’t know much about autism or even that he had the condition - since finding out , I have tried to learn and change how I deal with him but I do still get frustrated because his behaviour is very challenging. I feel that he sometimes uses  his diagnosis is a licence to avoid doing anything he doesn’t want to do. Last night he had a melt down after I asked him to wash his dishes, we had an escalating row which ended in me asking him to leave the house because of his abusive language and threatening behaviour. I am now regretting how I handled this situation but he was being very abusive towards me and I was at my wits end. He is now staying with a friend. Today I contacted him by text to say he could come home but I would like him to follow basic ground rules of helping more around the house and going to bed and getting up at a reasonable time. This resulted in another barrage of abuse from him, basically saying I don’t understand anything about his condition and am a terrible parent who has caused all of his problems. It’s really upsetting because I feel I’ve tried to help him but everything I do  is interpreted as me being controlling or meddling. 
Anyway, I wanted to reach out on this forum to see if there are any parents of adults with autism with similar experiences and how have you managed your situation. Thanks for any advice. 

Parents

  • Thank you all for these post. I feel less isolated. My 21 yr old is exactly the same. We are working towards a diagnosis now. I am getting over fast the guilt of his twin diagnosised autistic at 3 yrs old being helped & him seeming to be overlooked. During his middle school yrs the autistic symptoms all jumped out at once. He (born female) announced he was Transgender at that time. I’ve learned the diagnosis was masked as he had a normal IQ & was able to follow other kids till then. During the socially challenging middle school yrs he used the term & label to get more space around him & to reduce social stress, clever as he didn’t know he was autistic either. He was & is very angry towards me ( maybe for not knowing). The anger was so scary I did sleep with protection under my mattress on & off for yrs. Now, I drop that too, kid isn’t going to hurt me physically (I support him totally). Same challenges w/him with college & no real job. Many jobs are too socially challenging. My kid walks dogs. 


    I can to believe he was trying to get me to kick him out where he could get housing as a Transgender individual - not falling for that. He hates that I don’t allow just any kind of vulgar language & T- shirt images in my home. We have a via zoom family therapist & she is a great help as a neutral voice. My kids gets his cursing out in discussions in therapy, so good. Most adults (even children) can be very unhappy people. We expect them to be typical as they have no visible deformity. We easily forget. They get angry while dealing with so many sensitivities to sound, textures, images, tastes, etc. we have to figure out how to work with them. When we don’t they try to destroy us. If unsuccessful at attempts to defend themselves in  this way, they feel even worse. 

    There are begging to be good places for disabled adults to live independent lives. They want it, we want it for all of our children. It’s hard like with all kids if we don’t think they are ready, but we have to let them go/grow. Getting supports for them is key without expecting any thank you’s. They are angry a a world of people who seem, in there thinking to abuse them by benign neglect. My kid found like-minds in studying the British Punk movement. They found a home there with folks who all felt different & were angry too (mostly w/their own parents). Too bad for him that I like some Punk too. They, our kids seem to want want the same compassion we give the obviously physically disabled. Can we do that, can society? How can we respect their challenges & not harm their really fragile huge  egos? Look at all those famous folks w/what used to be called Asperger’s syndrome. We have to build spaces for them to feel safe & reduce the harm they can cause too. But, of course society uses them as in Eisenstein, Oppenheimer, etc when they are need them too, right? Look Damone people with autism, they were able to make their way in society some how with their genius splinter skills. What about the rest? This is really hard. I know I don’t want my kid to suffer (real or imagined) anymore. I’m an LGBTQ, AI, . . ally and an autism ally. It runs in my family. I have to be. We love our children. 

    I don’t know if this was helpful. I hope so. So many families are in this same boat. 

    P from Brooklyn, NY

Reply

  • Thank you all for these post. I feel less isolated. My 21 yr old is exactly the same. We are working towards a diagnosis now. I am getting over fast the guilt of his twin diagnosised autistic at 3 yrs old being helped & him seeming to be overlooked. During his middle school yrs the autistic symptoms all jumped out at once. He (born female) announced he was Transgender at that time. I’ve learned the diagnosis was masked as he had a normal IQ & was able to follow other kids till then. During the socially challenging middle school yrs he used the term & label to get more space around him & to reduce social stress, clever as he didn’t know he was autistic either. He was & is very angry towards me ( maybe for not knowing). The anger was so scary I did sleep with protection under my mattress on & off for yrs. Now, I drop that too, kid isn’t going to hurt me physically (I support him totally). Same challenges w/him with college & no real job. Many jobs are too socially challenging. My kid walks dogs. 


    I can to believe he was trying to get me to kick him out where he could get housing as a Transgender individual - not falling for that. He hates that I don’t allow just any kind of vulgar language & T- shirt images in my home. We have a via zoom family therapist & she is a great help as a neutral voice. My kids gets his cursing out in discussions in therapy, so good. Most adults (even children) can be very unhappy people. We expect them to be typical as they have no visible deformity. We easily forget. They get angry while dealing with so many sensitivities to sound, textures, images, tastes, etc. we have to figure out how to work with them. When we don’t they try to destroy us. If unsuccessful at attempts to defend themselves in  this way, they feel even worse. 

    There are begging to be good places for disabled adults to live independent lives. They want it, we want it for all of our children. It’s hard like with all kids if we don’t think they are ready, but we have to let them go/grow. Getting supports for them is key without expecting any thank you’s. They are angry a a world of people who seem, in there thinking to abuse them by benign neglect. My kid found like-minds in studying the British Punk movement. They found a home there with folks who all felt different & were angry too (mostly w/their own parents). Too bad for him that I like some Punk too. They, our kids seem to want want the same compassion we give the obviously physically disabled. Can we do that, can society? How can we respect their challenges & not harm their really fragile huge  egos? Look at all those famous folks w/what used to be called Asperger’s syndrome. We have to build spaces for them to feel safe & reduce the harm they can cause too. But, of course society uses them as in Eisenstein, Oppenheimer, etc when they are need them too, right? Look Damone people with autism, they were able to make their way in society some how with their genius splinter skills. What about the rest? This is really hard. I know I don’t want my kid to suffer (real or imagined) anymore. I’m an LGBTQ, AI, . . ally and an autism ally. It runs in my family. I have to be. We love our children. 

    I don’t know if this was helpful. I hope so. So many families are in this same boat. 

    P from Brooklyn, NY

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