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Challenges of being Parent of Young adult with autism - any advice ??

Suzanne

Hi,

I have just joined this forum as I am a parent of an adult of 20 who received an autism diagnosis last year. I encouraged my son to seek a diagnosis because he has really struggled since leaving school to find his way. He has dropped out of two college courses, he doesn’t seem to be able to apply himself, and he has had two part time jobs which he has left after a few months because he found them too boring and difficult. I have tried to encourage him to find work but he is not interested. I know it sounds like a cliche but he spends most of his time in his room playing computer games. He stays up late and sleeps until around 1 if I don’t ask him to get up. We end up having a lot of arguments, he is very oppositional and demand avoidant. If I ask him to help with housework it usually ends in an argument and he is increasingly verbally abusive towards me, swearing and calling me a b**ch. he sees me as being overly critical of him, which I know has been a problem in the past, I didn’t know much about autism or even that he had the condition - since finding out , I have tried to learn and change how I deal with him but I do still get frustrated because his behaviour is very challenging. I feel that he sometimes uses  his diagnosis is a licence to avoid doing anything he doesn’t want to do. Last night he had a melt down after I asked him to wash his dishes, we had an escalating row which ended in me asking him to leave the house because of his abusive language and threatening behaviour. I am now regretting how I handled this situation but he was being very abusive towards me and I was at my wits end. He is now staying with a friend. Today I contacted him by text to say he could come home but I would like him to follow basic ground rules of helping more around the house and going to bed and getting up at a reasonable time. This resulted in another barrage of abuse from him, basically saying I don’t understand anything about his condition and am a terrible parent who has caused all of his problems. It’s really upsetting because I feel I’ve tried to help him but everything I do  is interpreted as me being controlling or meddling. 
Anyway, I wanted to reach out on this forum to see if there are any parents of adults with autism with similar experiences and how have you managed your situation. Thanks for any advice. 

Parents

  • There a re a few things to reply to here:

    Peter is right about seeing if he can get back to college - if he can find a route that works with his special interest areas then it is the best way forward, There is a book that may help here:

    Developing College Skills in Students With Autism and Asperger's Syndrome - Sarita Freedman (2010)
    ISBN 9781843109174

    As for the verbal abuse - I believe you have to set out the ground rules - if he breaks them then he knows the punishments and you need to stick with these.

    One thing the majority of autistic people work well with is rules and routines. If we get out of these we tend to struggle and can spiral into the situation your son has with his sleeping.

    On the getting a job front, I think you need to make some aspects of his home life dependent on getting a job and contributing to the costs of the household. Without the structure of a job he is likely to continue to slob about and be a pain because it is easy, he gets everything supplied and doesn't need to lift a finger.

    There are some good books for getting him the right sort of job:

    Aspergers and Adulthood - A Guide to Working, Loving, and Living With Aspergers Syndrome - Blythe Grossberg PsyD (2015)
    ISBN 9781623156602

    An Aspie's Guide to Getting and Keeping a Job - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)
    ISBN 9781784501303

    My approach is to give some tough love with an appropriately supporting framework and openess to talk - it may not be for everyone.

Reply

  • There a re a few things to reply to here:

    Peter is right about seeing if he can get back to college - if he can find a route that works with his special interest areas then it is the best way forward, There is a book that may help here:

    Developing College Skills in Students With Autism and Asperger's Syndrome - Sarita Freedman (2010)
    ISBN 9781843109174

    As for the verbal abuse - I believe you have to set out the ground rules - if he breaks them then he knows the punishments and you need to stick with these.

    One thing the majority of autistic people work well with is rules and routines. If we get out of these we tend to struggle and can spiral into the situation your son has with his sleeping.

    On the getting a job front, I think you need to make some aspects of his home life dependent on getting a job and contributing to the costs of the household. Without the structure of a job he is likely to continue to slob about and be a pain because it is easy, he gets everything supplied and doesn't need to lift a finger.

    There are some good books for getting him the right sort of job:

    Aspergers and Adulthood - A Guide to Working, Loving, and Living With Aspergers Syndrome - Blythe Grossberg PsyD (2015)
    ISBN 9781623156602

    An Aspie's Guide to Getting and Keeping a Job - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)
    ISBN 9781784501303

    My approach is to give some tough love with an appropriately supporting framework and openess to talk - it may not be for everyone.

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