• Replies 16 replies
  • Subscribers 72 subscribers
  • Views 3039 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Challenges of being Parent of Young adult with autism - any advice ??

Suzanne

Hi,

I have just joined this forum as I am a parent of an adult of 20 who received an autism diagnosis last year. I encouraged my son to seek a diagnosis because he has really struggled since leaving school to find his way. He has dropped out of two college courses, he doesn’t seem to be able to apply himself, and he has had two part time jobs which he has left after a few months because he found them too boring and difficult. I have tried to encourage him to find work but he is not interested. I know it sounds like a cliche but he spends most of his time in his room playing computer games. He stays up late and sleeps until around 1 if I don’t ask him to get up. We end up having a lot of arguments, he is very oppositional and demand avoidant. If I ask him to help with housework it usually ends in an argument and he is increasingly verbally abusive towards me, swearing and calling me a b**ch. he sees me as being overly critical of him, which I know has been a problem in the past, I didn’t know much about autism or even that he had the condition - since finding out , I have tried to learn and change how I deal with him but I do still get frustrated because his behaviour is very challenging. I feel that he sometimes uses  his diagnosis is a licence to avoid doing anything he doesn’t want to do. Last night he had a melt down after I asked him to wash his dishes, we had an escalating row which ended in me asking him to leave the house because of his abusive language and threatening behaviour. I am now regretting how I handled this situation but he was being very abusive towards me and I was at my wits end. He is now staying with a friend. Today I contacted him by text to say he could come home but I would like him to follow basic ground rules of helping more around the house and going to bed and getting up at a reasonable time. This resulted in another barrage of abuse from him, basically saying I don’t understand anything about his condition and am a terrible parent who has caused all of his problems. It’s really upsetting because I feel I’ve tried to help him but everything I do  is interpreted as me being controlling or meddling. 
Anyway, I wanted to reach out on this forum to see if there are any parents of adults with autism with similar experiences and how have you managed your situation. Thanks for any advice. 

Parents

  • Hi, I’m really sorry that you and your son are having these difficulties. I have two son’s in their twenties and one still lives at home. He dropped out of college during the pandemic as he was struggling to cope. As well as being autistic he has selective mutism in educational settings so it was very hard for him to be in college and he left as it was taking a terrible toll on his mental health. He spends a lot of time in his room and online looking at YouTube etc. 

    my son doesn’t want to do any ‘housework’. If I suggest him helping around the house in some way he’s very reluctant. We don’t have much conflict over this though as I know my son is dealing with a lot and he struggles to apply himself to mundane tasks as he suffers from depression and ocd and these things severely impact on his levels of motivation. 
    Whilst I think it might possibly be helpful to my son to be more active and help around the house we don’t argue about it. Ultimately I don’t care about the housework that much, and I don’t think my son is being deliberately unhelpful - I just think his mental health issues interfere with his ability to be disciplined and motivated. We talk about this of course. My son struggles to cope with people pressuring him - he panics, I want him to know that I’m in his side. He’s always on my side too - we work together as we are both autistic and we both find many aspects of life difficult. 
    My relationship with my son means more to me than whether or not he helps around the house, ultimately I don’t care much about that stuff. I do care very much that he treats his family with kindness and respect, and he does that. He’s caring and loving and we are good friends. That’s enough for me. My son has been through many hard times and often he’s just exhausted by life. That often has a big impact on his wish to withdraw from things a bit and escape into online stuff that he finds interesting. If it makes him happy then I’m very happy for him to do that, because a lot of his life has been very difficult. 
    If I was in your shoes I’d do your best to keep the lines of communication open with your son. Let him know that you’re on his side, no matter what. Of course you must have boundaries in terms of him being verbally abusive, and hopefully you can have a talk with him about that and come to an understanding and an agreement about finding other ways to resolve problems between you, 

    your son might well be depressed, he is probably struggling and feeling hopeless about his future. Reach out to him, try to understand why he feels so lacking in motivation. It’s clear that you love your son and I’m sure he loves you too. Don’t let stuff like household chores come between you. There are more important things. I think autistic people often feel judged and under pressure and like they’re failures because they struggle to cope with so many aspects of life, so try not to add to that feeling for your son. I hope things improve for you both soon x 

Reply

  • Hi, I’m really sorry that you and your son are having these difficulties. I have two son’s in their twenties and one still lives at home. He dropped out of college during the pandemic as he was struggling to cope. As well as being autistic he has selective mutism in educational settings so it was very hard for him to be in college and he left as it was taking a terrible toll on his mental health. He spends a lot of time in his room and online looking at YouTube etc. 

    my son doesn’t want to do any ‘housework’. If I suggest him helping around the house in some way he’s very reluctant. We don’t have much conflict over this though as I know my son is dealing with a lot and he struggles to apply himself to mundane tasks as he suffers from depression and ocd and these things severely impact on his levels of motivation. 
    Whilst I think it might possibly be helpful to my son to be more active and help around the house we don’t argue about it. Ultimately I don’t care about the housework that much, and I don’t think my son is being deliberately unhelpful - I just think his mental health issues interfere with his ability to be disciplined and motivated. We talk about this of course. My son struggles to cope with people pressuring him - he panics, I want him to know that I’m in his side. He’s always on my side too - we work together as we are both autistic and we both find many aspects of life difficult. 
    My relationship with my son means more to me than whether or not he helps around the house, ultimately I don’t care much about that stuff. I do care very much that he treats his family with kindness and respect, and he does that. He’s caring and loving and we are good friends. That’s enough for me. My son has been through many hard times and often he’s just exhausted by life. That often has a big impact on his wish to withdraw from things a bit and escape into online stuff that he finds interesting. If it makes him happy then I’m very happy for him to do that, because a lot of his life has been very difficult. 
    If I was in your shoes I’d do your best to keep the lines of communication open with your son. Let him know that you’re on his side, no matter what. Of course you must have boundaries in terms of him being verbally abusive, and hopefully you can have a talk with him about that and come to an understanding and an agreement about finding other ways to resolve problems between you, 

    your son might well be depressed, he is probably struggling and feeling hopeless about his future. Reach out to him, try to understand why he feels so lacking in motivation. It’s clear that you love your son and I’m sure he loves you too. Don’t let stuff like household chores come between you. There are more important things. I think autistic people often feel judged and under pressure and like they’re failures because they struggle to cope with so many aspects of life, so try not to add to that feeling for your son. I hope things improve for you both soon x 

Children
No Data