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Adult daughter age 23

mazzamchardy

Think I'm unable to cope anymore.  I have a lovely intelligent daughter,  she's left university and job hunting now. So she's at home most of the time, so am I as I'm age 61 and have a chronic health condition (addisons disease). I'm really struggling with living in an awful untidy house. Her stuff is everywhere even though I've tried to help and talk to her.  She is unable to organise or tidy and it's making my depression worse.  I can't live like this and drssd coming downstairs in the morning.  What  an I do please? 

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  • Hi, That sounds very difficult. I actually also struggled with tidying up in past- I do love it when it is tidy but I also am very good at shutting out chaos once it does get untidy (i had to get good at this growing up with my stepparent who was a hoarder) and I also dislike cleaning -what helped me is to build some routines - such as I do the dishes while cooking/ straight after. Certain objects/ things have a set place and go back there straight away etc. If your daughter likes routine (like I do ) that could help! I’m actually much better now with tidiness. Also can you somehow agree to confine her chaos to her room or certain parts of the rest of the house (eg. Part of table etc)- or at least specify a few places for you that must remain tidy? not sure if any of this helps

    I also just want to say that it can be very difficult when children move back with parents after having gone to uni. Mum and I were very close but when I had to move back for a while during my Bachelor it did not work out at all ... the dynamics change. Mum and I like each other a lot and now get on very well again but we both recognise that living together is not a great idea and avoid it if possible. 

    I can also relate to how difficult it can be to live together when there are different expectations of tidiness, cleaniness, noise etc. I’ve lived in various flat shares and I can relate to how difficult and stressful it can be (i have quite low tolerance for mess and also struggle with noise or visitors). I now live on my own which is freeing because I also do not have to worry if I am up at weird hours or if for once I do leave some chaos.

    I think like you have said, it’s important to remind yourself that the situation is likely temporary - hopefully your daughter will find a job and maybe even her own place to live. Until then the best you can do is both try to communicate openly and maybe try out some strategies to help with tidying or at least keeping some spaces clear for you. 

    I hope you find a way that works for both you and your daughter. 

  • in reply to Ann :)

    Thank you so much Ann for your lovely message. I've tried so hard to explain that the situation makes my depression worse. I said I'd just like some space of my own in the living room but it never works, she has so much stuff, papers mini animals and god knows what. She has her own room tho and a box room (small bedroom) but things get everywhere.  The house needs thorough clean and tidy but it's impossible. I feel like moving out for a week but I'd get no peace : ( 

    Thank you for caring. 

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  • in reply to Ann :)

    Thank you so much Ann for your lovely message. I've tried so hard to explain that the situation makes my depression worse. I said I'd just like some space of my own in the living room but it never works, she has so much stuff, papers mini animals and god knows what. She has her own room tho and a box room (small bedroom) but things get everywhere.  The house needs thorough clean and tidy but it's impossible. I feel like moving out for a week but I'd get no peace : ( 

    Thank you for caring. 

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