My 11 year old hates everyone - how do I help her?

I would love some advice from autistic women who have been through something similar, or parents of autistic teenagers.

My 11 year old daughter has been diagnosed with autism recently, after a terrible year 7 where she has been bullied by her friends and also started to find some subjects at school very hard. Her self esteem is at rock bottom (she has no friends at school and finds school ‘torture’). She barely sleeps but won’t try melatonin.

She is angry with everyone and is often rude as a result. She spends a lot of each day in her room alone with the curtains shut. She rarely talks to me and won’t talk to her dad at all.

We are trying to keep all demands as low as possible at home to help her recover, and are limping along to the end of this school year (5 more weeks). She is already on a reduced timetable.

She doesn’t like reading so doesn’t want to read books on autism with me. I’ve read loads and am managing to talk and ask a little bit about autism once or twice a week in the car when she is calm.

We are maintaining contact with a longstanding friend outside school, keeping her as active as we can, trying to get her out for at least 1 activity a day and she will move school in September. I hope that will be a fresh start.

She had counselling earlier this year for 6 weeks around bullying and self-esteem but found it exhausting and doesn’t want to do it again.

Has anyone gone through anything similar? How did it resolve? How long did it last? And most importantly what helped?

Thank you!

Parents
  • Yeah this sounds quite a lot of my childhood, particularly year seven. Children are cruel. The good news is it does get better.

    The secret for me when it came to managing the bullying was to find safe spaces for breaks and lunch times so they could be avoided. For me this was a school greenhouse. Libraries or classrooms or some schools have spaces specifically for students with additional needs (my younger brother uses this a lot). The key fact is that it is supervised by an adult, one who has some understanding of autism and/or preferably one she gets on with.

    Maintaining that contact with the outside of school friend is absolutely the right thing to do and when she starts to feel better I'd also recommend looking into an extra-curricular group completely disconnected from school that she'd enjoy. I always did much better at socializing in a structured task based environment.

    Moving to a new school in this case I agree is the right move, but there are always some issues with coming in in year 8. Again, extra-curriculars was the secret for me, and the vast majority of my few but close friends weren't actually in my year group.

    I also didn't find counselling terribly helpful, mostly because I always felt like I had to be 'better' before I got to the end of the fixed time frame. I had more success with trying to avoid the people.

    The autism thing, it takes time to get your head around it. I was diagnosed when I was 20, so for me it wasn't specifically autism it was being 'nerdy' and trying hard in school that I was having a crisis around. It took me several years of active bullying from year 3 to year 8 before I felt able to fully own my quirks, and that was once they started cooling off anyway. It takes everyone different amounts of time to come to terms with it and I'd agree with the others that it's not necessarily something that can be forced.

    As she's under 16, this forum is not the place for her. But there are some of online forums that are heavily monitored (your post or message doesn't become visible until approved by a trained adult moderator) which are quite good for finding other people in the same situation and who are dealing with similar stuff. 

    You may already be aware of them but I strongly recommend:

    Kooth - https://www.kooth.com/ This has articles, a forum where you can discuss things with other youth, and an online counselling and support system with medical professionals should she choose to use it. It is entirely anonymous which she may find supportive and make it easier to open up, and entirely text based, sometimes it's easier to write things down than say them.

    Tellmi - https://www.tellmi.help/ This is an app, also anonymous, also heavily monitored. It is just a forum for kids, but there is a large autistic community on there. They also have some articles, and some links to specific charities supporting various specific issues and you can filter for just the things you want to see and block certain topics. 

    There are some other resources too, if you look back on my post history you will see I love providing people links, but I don't want to overwhelm you. All I will say for now is it looks dark but it does get better, so much better. Some people choose to say 'school is the best time of your life' but for many autistic people it is the worst, but it does also have a definitive end.

    Hope this helped and wasn't too much info and that the new school works better.

  • Dear Fibonacci Squid. Thank you. It is so good to hear from people who have been through this and come out the other side. I didn’t know about the forums (and probably would have been worried about them) so will look into these. No such thing as too much information at the moment! Thank you.

Reply Children
No Data