My 11 year old hates everyone - how do I help her?

I would love some advice from autistic women who have been through something similar, or parents of autistic teenagers.

My 11 year old daughter has been diagnosed with autism recently, after a terrible year 7 where she has been bullied by her friends and also started to find some subjects at school very hard. Her self esteem is at rock bottom (she has no friends at school and finds school ‘torture’). She barely sleeps but won’t try melatonin.

She is angry with everyone and is often rude as a result. She spends a lot of each day in her room alone with the curtains shut. She rarely talks to me and won’t talk to her dad at all.

We are trying to keep all demands as low as possible at home to help her recover, and are limping along to the end of this school year (5 more weeks). She is already on a reduced timetable.

She doesn’t like reading so doesn’t want to read books on autism with me. I’ve read loads and am managing to talk and ask a little bit about autism once or twice a week in the car when she is calm.

We are maintaining contact with a longstanding friend outside school, keeping her as active as we can, trying to get her out for at least 1 activity a day and she will move school in September. I hope that will be a fresh start.

She had counselling earlier this year for 6 weeks around bullying and self-esteem but found it exhausting and doesn’t want to do it again.

Has anyone gone through anything similar? How did it resolve? How long did it last? And most importantly what helped?

Thank you!

Parents
  • Sounds a bit like me in my school days tbh, unfortunately in a world that tells you "there is something wrong with you" because you are autistic, like me back in the day probably the last thing she wants to do is acknowledge it, "autism" (the being different and the bullying) is just this huge curse that feels like it won't ever go away and speaking it's name is anathema because that low self esteem is also the seeds of internalised ableism that have already taken root.

    I think maybe if you can just drop it for now and let her come around in her own time and treat the summer holidays as a reset button (at least as much as it can be, even if it's just a break away from the other kids and room to breathe and mentally decompress).
    You can unpack and deal with the mental health side after she has a good rest first. (In fact that's best, because doing anything complicated when feeling constantly overwhelmed is just a recipe for disaster.)

    The New school is a new chapter, and the most immediately helpful thing is to make sure they don't put her in classes with any kids that bullied her from before. Secondary is not going to be a magical fix, in fact the social rules get more complicted and petty so more difficult to navigate, but if you can get her into an afterschool club based on her interests she might make more meaningful friendships and expand her friend support out from just the friend she is still in contact with currently.

    Hope some of that is useful to you and your daughter.

Reply
  • Sounds a bit like me in my school days tbh, unfortunately in a world that tells you "there is something wrong with you" because you are autistic, like me back in the day probably the last thing she wants to do is acknowledge it, "autism" (the being different and the bullying) is just this huge curse that feels like it won't ever go away and speaking it's name is anathema because that low self esteem is also the seeds of internalised ableism that have already taken root.

    I think maybe if you can just drop it for now and let her come around in her own time and treat the summer holidays as a reset button (at least as much as it can be, even if it's just a break away from the other kids and room to breathe and mentally decompress).
    You can unpack and deal with the mental health side after she has a good rest first. (In fact that's best, because doing anything complicated when feeling constantly overwhelmed is just a recipe for disaster.)

    The New school is a new chapter, and the most immediately helpful thing is to make sure they don't put her in classes with any kids that bullied her from before. Secondary is not going to be a magical fix, in fact the social rules get more complicted and petty so more difficult to navigate, but if you can get her into an afterschool club based on her interests she might make more meaningful friendships and expand her friend support out from just the friend she is still in contact with currently.

    Hope some of that is useful to you and your daughter.

Children