8year old son seems to be alone at school

Hi,

so during break times, he runs around the field as “ he’s trying to become faster than Daddy.”
When ask if other kids join in, he said “they don’t want to as they playing football”. He doesn’t want to do football either as he knows he’s not any good. Not sure if someone said that to him or not so for that part, I think it’s ok.

lunchtimes is a bit different he says. He finishes his lunch and says he wants to play but goes indoors to draw by himself and none of his friends want to do that. But that’s it. 

so should I just ask the teachers to watch out for him? I don’t want to be one of those parents who wants to know what their child is up to every 5 mins but I do want him to be ok, especially when I know he wants to play with others.

Hi,

so during break times, he runs around the field as “ he’s trying to become faster than Daddy.”
When ask if other kids join in, he said “they don’t want to as they playing football”. He doesn’t want to do football either as he knows he’s not any good. Not sure if someone said that to him or not so for that part, I think it’s ok.

lunchtimes is a bit different he says. He finishes his lunch and says he wants to play but goes indoors to draw by himself and none of his friends want to do that. But that’s it. 

so should I just ask the teachers to watch out for him? I don’t want to be one of those parents who wants to know what their child is up to every 5 mins but I do want him to be ok, especially when I know he wants to play with others.

I don't see why not. Though, it sounds like they are, especially if they allow him what he's interested in and don't force him to try to play along, when it sounds like he's quite self-aware. 

This thread has really made me think!! I used to escape lunch into small spaces or listen to (I'm dating myself) a walkman to attempt to deal with the noise. There seems to be a lot of autistics potentially weighing our options at a much younger age. Being presented with options is then useful. The crowd was overwhelming. I'm still much more at ease in smaller groups.

I used to feel sad about being alone because everyone told me I should be. Then in my mid 20's I heard a more contemplative theologian say "It's better to be alone than to be with someone who made you wish you were". And it made me re-think what I thought I'd been told I wanted. It hadn't been suggested to me that what I was sensing was a real disconnectedness while around others. And when by myself, when I wasn't internally stressed about how to connect or how to relate or how to respond, I felt a great deal of pressure lifted - none of this I could've put into vocabulary at the time.

I think many of us here would rather do something else, something productive and creative. It's suggested the Autistic brain is rewarded differently. While everyone is unique, we don't get the same reward signals from group / tribal-interactions as our NT peers, so it can be incredibly draining on us going along with a group. I had spent a great deal of time learning to be a 'robot' - power down - in the company of others so I wasn't crossing a threshold to unhealthy stress from what felt like literally doing nothing. 

We do need others and a sense of belonging but at what cost. 

Being autistic we feel things more intensely and it can intensify sensing a disconnect. But then we also don't need a wealth of intense connexions, especially if we feel grounded and loved at home. I've also found that people I admire, who might see something in me unique and make a fuss about how interesting and worth-while that thing is, help build confidence in what I might actually enjoy. 

Sometimes we just need a different perspective on a thing to own it. Terrible hangover? Look at you... makings of a good night out, enjoy it while it lasts! No one can come to your birthday? Look at the extra money we'll have! Let's have a weekend stay somewhere there's a spa. I mean, prep for that marathon in the company of others without the stress of navigating selfish players (we see these individuals in the park all the time).  With positive reinforcement, you really can get the best of all possible worlds. 

I think the key thing is whether or not he is unhappy about playing separately from others, and whether he is interacting with other children in other ways, such as in class, or out of school?
my youngest son is autistic and had Selective Mutism throughout his school life. He would spend break times on his own, running around the perimeter of the playground a lot of the time during his primary school years. A lot of the time I thought that he was happy doing this, and when asked about it he seemed relatively happy about it. At the time he hadn’t been diagnosed with autism yet (he was diagnosed at 10/11 years old But as my son got older I think his difficulties with social anxiety became more marked and more of a worry for him, and I wonder now if we should have done more to help him with the social side of life as he was growing up. He’s in his very early twenties now and his social anxiety causes a lot of stress and unhappiness for him.

So if your son is expressing unhappiness about playing alone then I’d work with the school to find strategies to help him socialise with others, especially with any other autistic children in the school as I often thing autistic people socialise most easily with other autistic people.

However if you sure that playing alone is a happy preference for your son then I think it’s important to support him in that and not give him the impression that it’s ‘wrong’ in any way to have that preference. Be led by him and what makes him happy, and review the situation regularly as time goes on. Good luck x