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Family dynamics

NAS86818

My daughter is 13 and newly diagnosed. It's been a long and lengthy process. 

My husband has really struggled with our daughter over the years, particularly as she has been self-harming and had suicidal thoughts. This led to him having a breakdown and I was left dealing with our daughter. He openly admits that he can't cope with it and has avoided all appointments and meetings. 

My husband and daughters relationship is very strained. He doesn't understand her, and shouts at her for being rude etc. She thinks he favours our other children as he enjoys spending time with them. It's a viscious circle, she's not very nice, he doesn't want to spend time with her and round we go. It's like dealing with two children. 

Anyway she's told me and her therapist that she hates him most of the time and it's making her really upset. She's even mentioned me leaving him! Things between us are strained and there are three other children to consider. One who also doesn't really get along with him!

I'm worried that if I talk to him, it will turn into self blame on his part and woe me attitude, but I really feel stuck about what to do. Should I be considering the impact it's having on my children , particularly daughter and son and putting their needs first as to whether or not I should make our marriage work?

Grateful for any advice

  • Could be also be in the spectrum and not realise it? Just a thought I had…..

    Where your relationship is concerned, is he a supporting partner? Do you look forward to him coming in from work? Smile about him when you think of him? Does he enhance your life? These are all things to think about. Sometimes we just stay when no one longer benefits from it, or is happy. I can’t tell you what to do,  but you do deserve to be happy and supported whether he is ill or otherwise.

    You are doing the best you can for your daughter. I’ve spent many years trying to get my ex husband to be more present in his daughters life…and his sons, and to understand. He doesn’t, and won’t. Even now he almost accepts she’s got ADHD but not ASD, and he also thinks I made my own diagnosis up (I’m just lazy apparently). It’s not up to you to create their relationship. He’s not interested and he doesn’t see what your daughter is going though, or how she feels about him.

    Perhaps she could write him a short letter about how she feels. I don’t know if she would want to, or even if he would know what to say or do when he read it…. I’m glad she’s in therapy. It’s good for her to voice her feelings in a safe space. I wouldn’t dwell on the fact she’s mentioned you leaving him. It could just be the usual teen talk. They tend to say exactly what’s on their mind, but may not mean it for longer than a few mins lol.