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6 Year Old Son, Meltdowns + More!

NAS86760

Hello everyone,

This is my first post - so forgive the long message and rant!

My little man, Henry, is 6 years old and has a confirmed diagnosis of ASD + ADHD.

He is currently in Year 1 and loves school, however it feels like the school doesn't love him so much, which breaks my heart.  I feel that not enough provision is in place for him, and despite many TAF meetings and constant back and forth emails, we are no further forward with him.  They have said that there isn't any point in applying for an EHCP as they feel that what they have put in place 'isn't not working yet', however, I am getting constant messages in his communication book about incidents that have happened throughout the day. These can vary in severity...from the following: - Hitting, biting, pushing, kicking, spitting, being disruptive in class, ripping or breaking school equipment.

They have advised me that at the moment, he is attending lunch club, which he hates because he can't be watched consistently outside, so he is missing out on playtimes - which to an extent I understand because he finds it all overwhelming and his behaviour can suffer for it. But he is feeling sad, and that he has done something wrong when he is not allowed outside to play. 

One big thing that is a concern for me, also for school and I honestly do not know where this is coming from and it is scary - he is very sexualised. He talks quite inappropriately for his age and says things that I find concerning about private areas. He also exposes himself a lot in school as well as asking others too as well - at first I thought 'is this sensory'? But when does it become more than that and a concern. He touched a girls bits before and I was told it was sexual assault!! He was 5 at the time!! It's just scary. He watches Kids YouTube and Sky Kids, but we are pretty hot on what he watches, just because is does absorb everything like a sponge! 

Home Life

At home, things are rocky at the moment. He is flying off the handle at the most trivial things and I am doing my best to deal with it, but am finding it so difficult. I work full time for the ambulance service and between work and trying to help him, I feel I am becoming unwell in myself. I feel down, useless as a mother and carer, like I don't even know my son! He becomes so obsessed with things - we have tried charts, warnings, timers, now and then boards - all sorts and he just doesn't take to anything. 

His sleep is horrific - he wakes up at 04:30/5 every morning - and this is no matter whether he goes to bed early, late, or anything - we again have tried all sorts. Any experience with medication?? We have been offered it, but have always been hesitant to medicate him? But I have been seriously debating it recently. 

I just feel absolutely rubbish at the moment! Just feel like I don't know what is going on inside his little head. 

Thank you for reading,

Love a very tired and worried mumma x

  • The first would be a major concern: he's being taught things which are taboo, but being autistic, we don't catch the "secret codes" which would inform us of matters which are forbidden or better handled in private. It would be wise to get an Autistic Therapist/Coach involved if you can, and also someone at school who can monitor this - but who also understands the autistic 'wiring' and difference in how we communicate - receive, disseminate and understand language. It's completely different than our Neurotypical peers. We might pick up the system of syntax and be able to use vocabulary as a pragmatic form and function of exchange. But we don't pick up the social nuances which serve social 'order' or help communicate what's socially appropriate and what's not. It could be likely bullies have discovered a somewhat dark warped joy - an early form of sexual predator, and your son is potentially their target. 

    Given the amount of incidents & how he's responding to being treated (Autistic children don't act this way unless violated), I would see about removing him from the school. 

    NAS86760 said:

    Hitting, biting, pushing, kicking, spitting, being disruptive in class, ripping or breaking school equipment.

    Autistic children respond instinctually to danger. They can be more in-tune with their environment (rather than social milieu). If they are thrown into survival mode, these are the Responses which will occur. 

    Autism also comes with a few fundamental values which are the same as our ADHD friends: Monotropism, an ability to hyper-focus or just flip into a flow-state, a sense of everything being connected. There's some new research which says the Gamma waves responsible for this state can accelerate out of control due to less GABA 'resistors', meaning our anxiety is either biological or situational from the 2nd fundamental value: a Different Salience Network. Keen sense-perception was needed in a tribal society and we have extra sharp senses. Autistics don't dull their senses or 'filter' like their non-autistic peers. 

    The combination of ADHD / Au is still interesting to me as there are some polarities between us in Potential and Capacity. For instance, Au tends to need 8-9 solid hours of sleep, my ADHD friends 4-5 hours. I have a few autistic friends who are night owls and my ADHD friends early risers. ADHD tend to handle extreme stress well, can multitask and everyone I know is really intelligent. Au can highly specialise but need to do tasks one thing at a time, interrupting us can be met with extreme anger, as it's like waking a sleepwalker. We unfortunately remember things in detail and don't forget while my ADHD friends can move on and completely forget. But have a strength. 

    I feel for you being a mum myself, but much older now. That school, however, sounds like it could not only harm him in the present, but will harm his future if matters are not seized immediately. See if this trust can help https://www.autismeducationtrust.org.uk/