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how to support an adult autistic child who is really stuggling

NAS86145

Our daughter was diagnosed Autistic in August 2022. We have always known there was 'something' and have pushed several times over the years to see if there was anything 'different'. Each time we were told no. Se was finally diagnosed last summer after the eating disorder team suggested that she was possibly autistic. She is refusing support for both her eating disorder and her autism. We are looking for advice on how to support her as her life is becoming more and more difficult. She has cut herself off from everyone. She works with me in my shop but would really prefer to be doing something else. Before Covid etc she had some very close friends and enjoyed hobbies and time with them. Since covid she has become very incommunicative, sad and lonely. We are so sad for her and really concerned for her. We realise that we can't 'force' support on her but are looking for help for us to be able to support her as best we can. Any advice would be welcome. Thanks

Parents

  • Thinking back to myself as a teenager, the things that I needed to hear were that I was loved, and that I was good enough.  

    I can't tell if people like me unless they tell me.  I can't pick up the non-verbal cues and doubt how other people feel because of low self-confidence.  I'm getting it back now that I'm older.

    If she's anything like I was, she needs to be supported as a person first.  She needs to know that she's worth helping.  And she needs to hear that told to her explicitly and repeatedly until she believes it.  Then, when she feels better about herself, she'll be better able to accept help about everything else.

    Another thing that was very hard for me (and still is) is putting big feelings into words.  Sometimes the words just aren't there.  Sometimes there are too many words and they're so huge I just can't get them out.  She might need more time and space to talk.  Tell her that you are always ready to listen, and don't be afraid of long, quiet pauses which she might need to put her thoughts into words and then find the confidence to say them out loud.  Or invite her to write things down.  You could even write her a letter to tell her how much you love her and care about her and all the things that make her amazing, and how you will always be there for whatever support she needs.  It gives her something real to hold onto when she's feeling alone.

    I can't promise all this is right, because we're all different, but this is what might have helped me.  I hope you and your daughter can find a way to get through this together.

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  • Thinking back to myself as a teenager, the things that I needed to hear were that I was loved, and that I was good enough.  

    I can't tell if people like me unless they tell me.  I can't pick up the non-verbal cues and doubt how other people feel because of low self-confidence.  I'm getting it back now that I'm older.

    If she's anything like I was, she needs to be supported as a person first.  She needs to know that she's worth helping.  And she needs to hear that told to her explicitly and repeatedly until she believes it.  Then, when she feels better about herself, she'll be better able to accept help about everything else.

    Another thing that was very hard for me (and still is) is putting big feelings into words.  Sometimes the words just aren't there.  Sometimes there are too many words and they're so huge I just can't get them out.  She might need more time and space to talk.  Tell her that you are always ready to listen, and don't be afraid of long, quiet pauses which she might need to put her thoughts into words and then find the confidence to say them out loud.  Or invite her to write things down.  You could even write her a letter to tell her how much you love her and care about her and all the things that make her amazing, and how you will always be there for whatever support she needs.  It gives her something real to hold onto when she's feeling alone.

    I can't promise all this is right, because we're all different, but this is what might have helped me.  I hope you and your daughter can find a way to get through this together.

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