Refusing to go to school

Hi NAS85823,

Sorry to hear your daughter is struggling with school attendance. My daughter's been struggling with school attendance for almost the last 3 years, she's 15 now so started at a similar age. She was having problems in junior school but the refusal only started when moving into secondary school, struggling socially, not having any friends and started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks.

Despite asking her school for help we just seemed to be threatened for breaking the law, as you say you can't drag them in kicking and screaming, and besides the whole experience of just trying to encourage her into school, it was making her extremely distressed and depressed.

The first thing we did when was to see our GP to write a letter to explain why she was having problems going in (severe anxiety) and a referral to CAMHS to get the school off our backs.

Then the next battle started trying to get the inclusion service to help us get her some alternative provision/education as she was missing so much. I got in touch with IPSEA and was told to mention Section 19 of the Education act which the inclusion office, but they said didn't apply to my daughter as she was not signed off school. This went on for 12 months with no education at all, and I took a complaint to the Ombudsman for failing to provide her with an alternative education - the outcome being financial compensation for the year she had missed and made to provide an alternative provision which has been consisting of a teacher coming out to provide 1-2-1 teaching at home a few days each week.

Two long time scale attempts were made by a local youth support service to get her back into school but both attempts failed.

We applied for an education health care needs assessment which was refused, had to appeal through tribunal, hearing didn't happen as the LA backed down just before it, and the assessment carried out.

All recommendations given by the educational psychologist would only work if she was in school and as she wouldn't go in, waste of time.

Now in a position of attending another tribunal appeal for refusal to issue EHCP in a few weeks but had some luck getting a positive ASD diagnosis last month from an assessment CAMHS had requested two years ago.

Problem we will face if we do get the EHCP is finding a school that she would be willing to go to as she's lost so much faith in the education system. May well end up having to request 'EOTAS' from the LA if all else fails, both my wife and I have to work so no chance of arranging home schooling.

We are getting some help from the LA now who are helping her social aspect as she never sees any other children her age. We have tried taking her to local groups of other autistic children at the weekend but she refuses to go as she feels she won't get on with them.

Oh well, you have to just keep trying and do your best, the main thing is she's very happy at home!

Wow, it's great to hear your story and I'm so sorry to hear of all the years of difficulty you and your family have been through. The more I reach out to the autistic community, the more of these stories I hear. We're being so let down by the rest of society, it's heartbreaking really. All these gorgeous, wonderful kids having to go through this awful process. And then us as their parents facing this monumental battle, all these extra layers of hard work needed to pick up the pieces and try to have our kids comply with the dictates of society. And we do it all behind closed doors. The rest of them out there haven't a clue what we're all going through.

Sorry, my little rant doesn't help anything. But I just want to say that my heart goes out to you. I can't get my daughter out to any local groups either for the same reasons. I'm lucky enough to have a number of different family members near by, so we're trying to get her out to visit them on a semi regular basis, so she's getting some positive social experiences. One day, I'm going to try and get her out to the local library or other public places. At the moment even that fills her with panic. She's so stuck with worries about how other people perceive her - how she dresses, that she's meant to be in school, that her legs are too fat, her face too ugly (she's gorgeous, normal weight).

We've officially pulled her out of school now. We have no help from official channels because we already pulled her out of mainstream school and pulled together the money to put her in a smaller public school, thinking that might help. Apparently this means we've forfeited any help from the usual channels - no option to even go on an autism assessment waiting list as this has to come from school and private schools can't refer. So we've paid for an asd assessment, which came back overwhelmingly positive. But an EHCP plan is meaningless if we can't get her into school. It doesn't sound as though it will be possible to get one anyway because she's at a public school. They just say that any extra help needed in school needs us to pay extra for it.

Anyway, you are absolutely right. We can share our sad stories, but at the end of the day, all you can do is keep trying your best and do whatever you can as a family to just keep your spirits up. If they're happy at home, that's actually way more productive than years of misery at school. It's not possible to learn much when your body is constantly in fight or flight mode, so it's completely counter productive to be forced into school. Good luck to all of you, I wish you all the best!

Hi Budburst, thank you for your kind comments. I'm sorry to hear you've been pushed into having to find support privately, finding educational help is something that should be available for everyone.

One thing I found is that both the school and local authority seemed to be very ignorant of educational laws, and had to study several websites such as IPSEA, Childlawadvice and SENDAdviceSurrey to tell them what they should be doing. And as I mentioned earlier when the local authority didn't listen to me, I took my complaint to the LGSCO who gave them a stern telling off.

It seems very unfair you can't access extra help as you've taken your daughter out of school and put her in a public school, can you not apply for a EHCNA or EHCP yourself?  When we applied we hardly got her school involved as my daughter was never there so they wouldn't have been able to say anything anyway. I used her private counsellor and GP to write letters we could use as evidence. Some EHCP's end up sending children to public schools and make the LA to pay the bill so it should really work both ways.

It's good to hear you have family members nearby. Unfortunately my daughter doesn't have any siblings and doesn't get on with her cousins nearby. She does have cousins in Australia she sees on Zoom a couple of times a year, so hopefully one day will be able to go and see them. 

Keep trying with the social experiences, my daughter actually managed to go to meet a couple of other children with the help of her educational mentor a couple of days ago. We thought she'd have a shutdown and refuse to go but are really proud she managed.

Take care and best of luck!

Hi Budburst, thank you for your kind comments. I'm sorry to hear you've been pushed into having to find support privately, finding educational help is something that should be available for everyone.

One thing I found is that both the school and local authority seemed to be very ignorant of educational laws, and had to study several websites such as IPSEA, Childlawadvice and SENDAdviceSurrey to tell them what they should be doing. And as I mentioned earlier when the local authority didn't listen to me, I took my complaint to the LGSCO who gave them a stern telling off.

It seems very unfair you can't access extra help as you've taken your daughter out of school and put her in a public school, can you not apply for a EHCNA or EHCP yourself?  When we applied we hardly got her school involved as my daughter was never there so they wouldn't have been able to say anything anyway. I used her private counsellor and GP to write letters we could use as evidence. Some EHCP's end up sending children to public schools and make the LA to pay the bill so it should really work both ways.

It's good to hear you have family members nearby. Unfortunately my daughter doesn't have any siblings and doesn't get on with her cousins nearby. She does have cousins in Australia she sees on Zoom a couple of times a year, so hopefully one day will be able to go and see them. 

Keep trying with the social experiences, my daughter actually managed to go to meet a couple of other children with the help of her educational mentor a couple of days ago. We thought she'd have a shutdown and refuse to go but are really proud she managed.

Take care and best of luck!