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How To Help My Son?

AlfieSolomonsBeard

Hello all, this is my first post on here. I was diagnosed with autism last year aged 31 (it was something that had been suspected all my life but my parents don’t “believe” in autism so refused to have me assessed). Anyway my 9 year old son has autism too and we’re really struggling with him regarding a few things. I’ve been to CAMHS and to the drs but no one seems to really want to help us. 

The first thing we’re struggling with is some serious low mood and anxiety he’s been having (this has been ongoing since COVID but has gotten even worse in the last two months or so) and for the most part he doesn’t know why he’s feeling this way and for another part it’s to do with these feelings of not wanting to be grown up. He’s the oldest of lots of little cousins, two of which are very close to his grandparents on both sides, and he’s sort of been cast aside as they’re both neurotypical and “easy” to deal with. He’s also struggling to accept how much time he feels like COVID took from him and due to barely attending school in the last two years due to extreme school refusal he’s in a bit of a pickle. I’m reassuring him as best I can, being there for him and doing practical things like getting out for walks with him, doing meditations together and doing worry worksheets and other things, but it’s not working. 

The second thing we’re really struggling with is loneliness and the struggle to make/keep friends. My mum blames me because I don’t have any friends aside from one friend who is also autistic and doesn’t have any kids. She says it’s my fault that he doesn’t have anyone to socialise with. He does play with some kids on our street but he really finds it difficult to get along with them for long periods of time or to understand their tones of voice/facial expressions, and he gets very overwhelmed and has meltdowns where he hurts himself and tries to hurt them. Unfortunately we’re in a flat so it’s a communal garden so whenever I bring him inside again he’s at the window screaming and crying as he can see/hear them all. He’s gone back to school for the last two weeks just for the mornings (but this is a pattern and he probably won’t go back after Easter for months) but he’s coming home crying every day because his classmates are all playing games he doesn’t like (unfortunately he’s very rigid in wanting things his way). I’m dreading the school holidays coming up because I know he’s going to be getting himself in a state with the other kids but I just don’t have the ability to go out all day every day to keep him busy because of my own autism. 

I just feel like a terrible mum because he’s my whole world and it hurts my heart seeing him going through things I myself go through even as an adult and knowing I can’t take it away from him. 

He loves playing fortnite and minecraft online and I’m wondering if anyone knows of any sort of specialist online groups where other ASD children can play together or anything like that? I’m thinking that could help a little bit with him at least getting to chat with other children in an environment he feels safe because he’s at home, but I don’t know how to help with his low mood and anxiety no matter how hard I try. 

  • What are worry worksheets?

    Something that's been better understood in a classical understanding of Autism, is the potential of autistic analytic brain, which can see all probable outcomes, given the correct information. We need these individuals in all parts of society (not just health and safety or engineering or in a surgery or creative technicians) and I'm far more concerned these kids aren't being taught How to properly analyse a thing, exhaust its possibilities and dig even deeper into the physics of matter. The only way he will stop "worrying" is though exhaustive education on how a thing or system functions. The physics of relationships. The social elements in how humans form a bond, break a bond and what's required with these investments. For neuro-normative children, they can form and break alliances quick. We see this on extreme game shows where only one person can win. But in an anthropological context, this is the way it has been for the most part. 

    Depending on ability, autistic children can sense-perceive the world around them with greater accuracy but also well beyond their years and education and often with a linguistics difficulty compounding frustration in the ability to express what is being sensed (the buzzing of a light source or a refrigerator or the acoustics of the room shaping those frequencies. Sense perception of economic and social systems add confusion, sensing the weather and not even recognising one is sensing it let alone the effect it's having. Our Salience Network is unique: we don't really dull our senses, but things can be lost in translation internally. This is one thing that makes us autistic. 

    Wanting to fit in and socialise and feel accepted is normal. He should cry from rejection or isolation, this is an appropriate response. 

    But as a mum I feel what you're going through. And I feel the pain of everyone playing games I don't like. It takes a long time to find others who like to play games we like. 

    Some of us love a great deal of time alone. Far more than most. My son is older and has to remind me he needs quality time socialising.  But he prefers introverted sport, when he was little I put him in Judo. Now he's older he skateboards - it's an "alone together" sport. 

    As younglings, we (Autistic/ADHD/etc.) have trouble regulating our emotions. I have difficulty identifying mine and I'm nearing 50. But I've learned to think about action/consequence and circumstance/impact. These have helped me help my son understand impact. I somewhat just let him express throughout youth. And tried to be present with him in the emotions when I could. He steadied a little more towards 20, he finally wanted to make sure to get enough sun or take ashwaganda and a small dose of a daily vitamin. The best we can do is be their champion! And just be present and open and always ask how we can help, be respectful. 

    Perhaps you could reach out in your area and see if there's a few other Autistic, dyslexic, ADHD kids who'd like to play video games together. We don't always need peers our exact age, ether. But if there are other schools or an organisation, it could be good to try to find a few other mums looking for the same. x