Hi there,
I need some help. I go round and round in my head with what and how to help my 10 year old son.
Where to start... So academically he is overperforming, and has always used a good vocabulary in his conversation. Where it begins to get difficult is with
Relationship with his sister:
The way he speaks to his 7 year old sister a lot of the time is awful. He speaks down to her, is sarcastic, calls her names, he will intentionally aggravate her, nit picks at everything she does, will tell on her for the slightest thing, you get the picture. The problem is I am having to speak to him all the time about his behavour, so now he's pushing back with 'you never tell her' and he thinks I love and favour her more. I have NOT ever compared his behavour to hers, but I can't let my daughter think that is ok for others to speak to her like this. This scenario is repeated before school, after school, at weekends and I just don't know how to break it. The only thing that works is a screen time ban - that is his language and currency. There is never any remorse from him and no apology. I have often asked him to apologise to my daughter, the most she gets is an insincere sorry but most recently he is just refusing to apologise at all. I am at my wits end. He is getting older, the behaviour is getting worse and I'm scared and feel totally ineffective as a parent. I've learned to pick my battles which means (I feel) he gets away with unacceptable behavour some of the time.
I can't say this to anyone, but I feel like I don't know my son. There is little connection and it makes me really upset that there are times I don't like him (I love him so much!), but I just don't know what to do.
He can be so loving, charming and engaging with others. My son has not been diagnosed, although the school recognise Autistic traits in the classroom. One teacher gave the example that when the class is posed a question, my son will offer an answer, and when he listens to someone else's answer, if he thinks it's not good, he will chuckle, or say something which will knock them down. If he gets told off, there is no remorse, the teacher said my son feels like it's more of an inconvenince. I see that at home too.
Chewing or picking:
There's definately a sensory issue here. He has to have something in his mouth most of the time. I can't remember ever having to cut his finger or toe nails, they are chewed/ picked right down to point of being raw sometimes. He will roll up bits of paper to chew and swallow. If he has a bottle of drink or carton he has to pick the label off. He'll pick random crumbs up from the floor/ car seat/ sofa and pop them in his mouth. I see him trying to hide this behavour now and don't know how to deal with it. He seems to cope at school without anything to chew on - I don't understand, or know what to do with this? He definately over eats, I wonder if that is to do with the feeling of chewing (I don't know). I don't want to start any eating disorders so I try to talk along the lines of healthy eating, or offering him fruit or veg etc, rather than telling him not to eat when he wants something.
One other thing on the sensory side, he doesn't like wearing trousers. He would wear shorts all year if let him. I wonder if that might be sensory too.
Drinking:
He drinks copious amounts, he practically downs a pint of water (in fact he enjoys boasting about how quick he can do so). Is this a sensory issue?
Friends and hobbies:
He doesn't have a close circle or 'best' friend. The school say he integrates well in the classroom and chats to everyone. I do know he feels on the outside, he's told me before (He will say 'I'm weird, but I like being weird, it's cool'). He see's himself as the class clown and enjoys 'being weird' to make others laugh. When he plays any kind of game he has to be in total control, often changing rules to suit himself or cheating. We've tried a host of clubs to help with social skills, rugby, basketball, football, tennis, computer programming, scouts but his heart just isn't in it. He enjoys solitary pursuits, like swimming and bike rides with his dad.
His general demeanour:
From the outside looking in he is a happy, healthy boy. From the inside I think he struggles. At the weekend he was offering to help me, he seemed happy, then this morning he woke up and wouldn't speak to me, with no explanation. We didn't say goodbye at the school gates he walked to school 20 feet ahead of me and went straight in to his classroom.
I suppose the bottom line is I'm hurt (I know its' not personal), I don't know how to connect with him, I feel locked out, I don't know how to help and I'm scared. As everyone's experience with Autism is different, everyone's advise is different and often conflicting. Me and my husband have decided not to discuss Autism with my son at this stage as I just can't see any benefit aside from 'labelling' him. The school know, we know, and I've discussed it with his grandparents (who are not supportive and don't want us to tell him).
I read people's advice. Most sound so confident in what works for them and their family, how do you navigate it all!?
Desperate mum x
