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Wanting to be in control

NAS84722

When my son is anxious, he wants to be in control of everything. The school give him options so he has some control of what his day will be like. I have also learned how to parent better by not saying no but giving options and lots of negotiation. But what works one day might not work the next so it is very hard to navigate. But how much is too much control?. Some of the things he wants are not realistic and some days there is no compromising. It’s not that he won’t do these things but can’t because he is so anxious. 

  • Hello, I am bit in the same circumstances with my son and following an advice of a book someone gave me on this forum I ended up checking the https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/ website which gives some advices. I am glad your school tries to help! For my son what helps to lower anxiety is to go on trips and discover new places which is somehow surprising. It, however, does not help to face school as he clearly explains he does not feel capable of coping with other kids who may refuse to engage in what he wants. All the best!  

  • in reply to Ann :)

    Also can you maybe think of some small things that he can be 'in control' of each day eg. the colour of T-shirt he wears, to give him a sense of security? Is there anything that helps him calm down/ ground himself when anxious? I wish I could advise on techniques to deal with anxiety, but sadly I still haven't learnt. But if he can start learning ways to deal with the anxiety from a young age on that will help him so much later in life! 

  • Hi, I am not a parent so might not be the best to advise but I can relate to anxiety and feeling the need to try and feel in control. It's a strategy to deal with anxiety, but it can also backfire, as if you feel like you 'are in control' then that can also result in feeling responsible or to blame for things that happen (even if in fact they probably have nothing or very little to do with your actions)- especially for a child this can be quite scary. So like you say, it is difficult to strike the right balance. I do think knowing that a parent is 'in control' at least to a certain extent also gives security. Reading your post made me think of 'the closed choice technique'- Have you hear of it before? (The closed choice | The Fostering Network). I love reading books about fostering, especially by Cathy Glass, and your post made me think of the 'closed choice' approach which she describes- not sure if it is any use but I just googled it now and included the link (I think Cathy also wrote a book on parenting which is available in a lot of libraries, in case that is something you are interested in). Like I said I have 0 parenting experience so please take what I say with a huge pinch of salt!! Best, Ann