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Revenge and planning

NAS85258

Hi everyone,

Newbie here. My son is 9 and a half years old and is very violent towards me(mum) and this has now trickled into school as well. 

He received his ASD diagnosis in 2021 and he had been doing well in school. He was not violent or disruptive in his primary school.

He just started a new school in September 2022 and was excluded in November due to an incident where he became dysregulated and violent. He is now on a reduced timetable of one hour and I have applied for an EHCP assessment and I am waiting to hear from them.

When something happens to upset him that he feels has hurt his feelings, he will then plan revenge against that person. For example, we have a set bedtime routine. He likes giving me kisses before he goes to bed. A few nights ago, I did the bedtime routine and he fell asleep before he could give me some kisses. 

In the morning, he came into my room to 'punish' me as this was revenge for his not being able to kiss me before he fell asleep. He came in calmly and proceeded to attack me in the morning as he said this was my punishment. This is just one example. Another time, he got upset over something I did and I locked myself in my room as he was attacking me. He convinced me in a calm voice that he would not attack me as long as I unlocked the door. As soon as I unlocked the door he then attacked me.

He does this in school as well, where certain children are his enemies and every time he sees them he will try to attack them. 

I tried talking to him about this tonight when he was calm and he said he does not know why he does stuff like that and his head is muddled. Any advice would be appreciated, as I know what his trigger was for the bedtime routine incident, but for most of the time I don't know his triggers. It mainly only happens with me and he has told me previously that he doesn't attack his dad but attacks me because I am weak. If it's a spontaneous meltdown, I understand that but is the planning aspect also part of ASD or do I need to look into a different diagnosis?

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Thanks,

Anisa

Parents

  • You are going to have to get some professional help with this one I'm afraid because violence is obviously an unacceptable behaviour at any age but if this pattern continues as he grows bigger he could seriously hurt someone, and it is very alarming he is targetting people who ar weaker, which is predatory behaviour. Although nonsexual at this age it needs to be nipped in the bud before puberty really takes hold as it could become sexual violence too, and the last thing anyone needs is him assaulting other kids at school, especially like that. He needs to know there are very real criminal ramifications to his behaviour, that a diagnosis may explain his behaviour but it doesn't excuse it*, and get some intensive behavioural therapy for him ASAP.

    *I say that because although to a much lesser extent than your son I also had some anger issues when younger which stemmed from a fresh diagnosis, I was made to feel broken, and borderline subhuman, that my name was mud and it left me feeling very fustrated and insecure for a few years. With autism sadness can turn to anger very quickly when we feel like the way we are viewed/treated is unfair, even if the offending interaction is really only slight, and that sadness in my experience can be an almost bottomless well if great care is not taken to improve our mental health and wellbeing.

    So yeah, get him a proper psychiatric doctor / therapist, because it sounds like you are in danger of him potentially crossing a line he cannot come back from if drastic measures are not taken soon. I promise whatever else we as a forum can suggest it won't be anywhere near as adequate as professional help for the level of difficulties you are facing rn.

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  • You are going to have to get some professional help with this one I'm afraid because violence is obviously an unacceptable behaviour at any age but if this pattern continues as he grows bigger he could seriously hurt someone, and it is very alarming he is targetting people who ar weaker, which is predatory behaviour. Although nonsexual at this age it needs to be nipped in the bud before puberty really takes hold as it could become sexual violence too, and the last thing anyone needs is him assaulting other kids at school, especially like that. He needs to know there are very real criminal ramifications to his behaviour, that a diagnosis may explain his behaviour but it doesn't excuse it*, and get some intensive behavioural therapy for him ASAP.

    *I say that because although to a much lesser extent than your son I also had some anger issues when younger which stemmed from a fresh diagnosis, I was made to feel broken, and borderline subhuman, that my name was mud and it left me feeling very fustrated and insecure for a few years. With autism sadness can turn to anger very quickly when we feel like the way we are viewed/treated is unfair, even if the offending interaction is really only slight, and that sadness in my experience can be an almost bottomless well if great care is not taken to improve our mental health and wellbeing.

    So yeah, get him a proper psychiatric doctor / therapist, because it sounds like you are in danger of him potentially crossing a line he cannot come back from if drastic measures are not taken soon. I promise whatever else we as a forum can suggest it won't be anywhere near as adequate as professional help for the level of difficulties you are facing rn.

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