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Parent of a four year old with traits of autism - am I a bad parent for feeling frustrated?

NAS85287

Hello! I am the parent of an amazing four year old boy who has some traits of autism. When he started preschool last year we were alerted to the fact that he prefers to play alone, has multiple tantrums and does not follow instructions. Since then he's been assessed by the educational psychologist (we live in Malta); he has an IEP and a learning support educator at school. He is attending speech and language therapy and occupational therapy (for sensory seeking behaviour) and is showing a slow but steady improvement and is now communicating better. He has not been formally diagnosed yet but I do feel that he has traits of autism; although he has beautiful eye contact and an amazing relationship with family members he doesn't pay much attention to his peers, screams and windmills his arms when he doesn't get is way and is obsessed with playing with the alphabet. I try to support  him as much as I can but sometimes I feel frustrated that he only wants to play with the alphabet and doesn't pay attention to me when I try to engage him in something else. The pinching and biting behaviour also tends to get frustrating although it helps when we use the sensory toys recommended by his OT.

Any tips? I know I should parent the beautiful child that I have rather than focusing on what he cannot or will not do but it gets hard at times especially after a long day at work. How can I support him better?

  • Autistic children rarely throw 'tantrums'. They respond appropriately, as anyone would to pain in a situation they feel trapped in. 

    We mature different. This is crucial. Autism is a different use of the brain to produce the same result. So we don't think out of the box or creatively, we simply see the world different. Think of it like a different operating system in a computer (there are better analogies but I quite like this one).

    Here are the key differences and if understood, you'll have a better understanding of how to help him explore the world and thrive.

    Sense-Perception. We don't ever dull our senses like non-autistics. These are not super powers, though. In the wild, we would've used these to sense danger. But in modern society, we sense ozone and fires and harmful levels of sound, chemicals and other things which are dangerous to humans. Under proper care and minding safety, once we understand the physics or science of a thing we can become excellent sommeliers or chemists or arts or a wealth of creative-technicians.

    Monotropism. We have a fantastic ability to hyper-focus. The way to crush and cause pain with this is through constant interruption. When san autist is laser focused, they can create breakthroughs, have epiphanies, really absorb and understand. This kind of fully in the present, fully embracing a thing is what gurus struggle after 30 years to achieve. This kind of focus is desirable for companies. What is important to note is that if he is absorbed in something, to not interrupt as this is like waking a sleepwalker. Now, all children need to learn how to turn this natural inclination into something that works for them. If you want to spend time with him, perhaps allocate a walk. But don't demand he play your way. The world is curated in ways autistic children naturally play.

    Language is always something we will experience difficulty accessing in our brain. I can see in vivid detail - movies in my imagination. I cannot hear words. But I also hear music non-stop, full productions including the exact vocal in detail. I can't always relate this (try going to a gallery and begin to speak about what's around you - it will take much longer to explain.) We're often not slow, just have a brain that's calculating too fast to keep up with and because we don't have hyper-connected networks in the lobes responsible for language and semiotics like our non-autistic peers, we have to work much harder to use words to communicate. It can be easier to allow him to draw or paint or use movement or music - whatever he gravitates toward as means of expression. Give him time off from your expectations and begin to find what potential lies within him you can help create a platform for so he can thrive. 

    The biting and pinching is a response to experiencing being overwhelmed or misunderstood, to frustration and feeling pain. All kids do this as a reaction. Help him learn a way to express these in another way: always allow him an escape. You might not sense a hard painful light or some other element causing harm, but if you believe him when he tries to assert a boundary, he'll trust you. And that is the ONE thing you always want to keep gaining. I say this as a parent, and I've messed up my fair share! :)