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Days out and trips away

NAS84979

First time posting...

As a family what do you do when one child wants to go on a day trip/short break/holiday and another doesn't..? 

Daughter (13) confirmed autistic, daughter (12) possibly/probably autistic but there is no way she would accept this right now & daughter (8) showing many traits.

12 year old never wants to do anything but when I suggest doing things without her or splitting up to do things separately (me or dad stay home with her whilst the others do stuff) she says this isn't right either and we have to ALL go 'even though she won't enjoy it'. I know from many previous experiences that she's not great at 'grinning and bearing it' so have explained that perhaps we need to start listening to her and not plan things for her.

We're supposed to be away tomorrow and daughters 1 & 3 really want to go and are looking forward to it whilst daughter 2 obviously doesn't and isn't. I always try to accommodate her needs - for example this time we're going on the train (not driving) and I've changed the hotel to the one she wants to stay in - but it really does feel that no matter what I do it won't be enough.

She has been like this from a very early age and has always dictated family life. It's ironic that our eldest has been diagnosed because No2 had always shown far more signs!

It's not fair for No1 and No3 to miss out on experiences because No2 can't do them but what do we do when no solution is acceptable to her?

Many thanks for any pearls of wisdom.

Parents

  • It sounds to me like you're doing all the right things. Accommodating no2's needs is important, but she's not the only member of the family. Perhaps explaining to her how her participation (or not) makes you (all) feel would help. She won't be able to dictate conditions in many of her experiences in her life, and learning how to compromise without complaint is an important skill, as is accepting how other people feel (even if she doesn't clearly understand why).

    An approach that would work for me would be: this is what we are going to do, how can I make this as enjoyable for you as possible? It shows understanding and allows for her needs, but sets the tone of we need to work together for everyone to enjoy themselves.

    I would like to add that I am not a parent, as I am aware that some think you must be a parent to comment on raising children - which I think is mad because children are people just like everyone else.

Reply

  • It sounds to me like you're doing all the right things. Accommodating no2's needs is important, but she's not the only member of the family. Perhaps explaining to her how her participation (or not) makes you (all) feel would help. She won't be able to dictate conditions in many of her experiences in her life, and learning how to compromise without complaint is an important skill, as is accepting how other people feel (even if she doesn't clearly understand why).

    An approach that would work for me would be: this is what we are going to do, how can I make this as enjoyable for you as possible? It shows understanding and allows for her needs, but sets the tone of we need to work together for everyone to enjoy themselves.

    I would like to add that I am not a parent, as I am aware that some think you must be a parent to comment on raising children - which I think is mad because children are people just like everyone else.

Children
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