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How to stop the hitting?

Elle1994

Hi everyone, I'm really feeling low at the moment and at a loss on what to do. I have a just turned 4 year old who is autistic. We haven't been told 'whereabouts' on the spectrum just yet as he is still young and hasn't started school yet.

I love my little boy and his quirkiness and always support him the best I can. I have fought for his diagnosis and have been in numerous meetings and assessments to make sure his needs can be met. There is one thing I'm really struggling with and that is his hitting.

He slaps me, punches, pulls hair, jabs at me. He also does this to his 2 year old brother. He never used to do it to other children but he has now started to hit them also. So much so he is no longer in nursery.

He was just playing with his little brother when his brother took a toy monkey down from his leaf tent. My 4 year old got immediately upset and began to cry, I told him it didn't matter and his brother can play with the monkey and tried to distract him with a different toy. My 2 year old ran off with the monkey and was chased and my 4 year old put both hands on my 2 year olds hair and pulled him down to the ground, picked the monkey up and went back. My 2 year old was in tears. I soothed my toddler and when he was calm I went back and told my 4 year old again that he cannot pull hair as this hurts and makes the other person sad. I got no response from him.

The other day when I went for a walk with my 4 year old he got upset because we wasn't going to nanny and grandads house. I got down to his level to talk to him and he full on slapped me round the face. I was shocked and my eyes immediately watered. This wasn't a tap it was a full on slap and when we got home I had an imprint on my cheek.

I am really struggling with this. I have said no to hitting time and time again, I always try my hardest to be as calm and patient with him though there has been a couple of occassions I have shouted because I must say this to him all day everyday.

It's getting so bad that I don't want to leave the house with him, we used to attend a group on Fridays until he started to jab other children and other mum's would come up to me to criticize. I know he has additional needs but this shouldn't mean he cannot learn right from wrong.

Please tell me this will pass. I hate that other parents just think he's horrible because he truly isn't. He starts school in September and I don't want him to be lonely, but I know if he carries on hitting he wouldn't be invited to birthday parties and children won't want to play with him etc.

Parents

  • I haven’t got any advice but just wanted to say I’m in the exact same boat as you. Since staring nursery in September after turning 3 his behaviour has been terrible and he has suddenly became incredibly cheeky, hitting, kicking etc. when he first started he wasn’t really doing much of this so don’t know if it’s copying other children. He’s no angel though! A few months ago he went through an awful stage where he wasn’t getting his way and therefore would just lash out at anything and anyone in sight. This was usually me as I’m off on maternity leave. He’d come straight up to me and slap me across the face, hit me with no care in world. I’d sit in a state in tears just having to let him attack me as I didn’t have any energy left to fight or tell him no.. not that that he listens when I tell him off. 
    I used to feel sick and get myself in a state going to pick him up from nursery because of the fear of what they were going to say he’d done to other kids. He’s not as bad now but it’s the whole turning up feeling like the terrible parent with everyone judging you because your son is the ‘naughty child’ 

    We are a nice ‘normal’ family and the thought of people looking down on you and your child or the fear of my son being left out or not invited to a child’s party because he’s naughty is heartbreaking. 

    Anyway, just wanted to say I’m the exact same boat as you with an almost 4) year old and struggling daily with his behaviour. I don’t want to take him places including now to see my sister as I’m starting to sense her getting annoyed at his behaviour and I can’t be bothered with constant ‘NO!’ at him. Like you, I try to take the calm approach as much as I can as I feel this works better but when he’s constantly being told no you can’t do this and you can’t do that it winds me up. 

    I just don't know if this will pass either or if this is an autistic trait. I know kids hit but the stage he went through was extreme 

  • in reply to LM

    Talk to him about hitting when he is calm when his brain is more accepting of new information. Children can't process things when they're that upset.  

    Think about how hard it is for you as an adult to manage your emotions, and then think about how much harder it must be for a child who is not fully physically developed or have your level of experience.  

  • in reply to Glitter

    This is true. I do explain things to him when he’s a calm and he seems to take it in better 

  • in reply to LM

    It's also important to teach him positive responses to those big feelings when he's in a calm state.  Some breathing exercises or ways to take a moment to self sooth so that he is able to think about how his actions might affect outcomes.  It will be a process that takes time, and you will need to remind him of those techniques sometimes when he's starting to feel stressed, but he will start to get into the habit and use them himself more often.

    You could even work on the techniques together and then ask him to remind you of them if he thinks you need help too.  This helps him to understand that everyone gets angry, but it's the reactions that are a problem.

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  • in reply to LM

    It's also important to teach him positive responses to those big feelings when he's in a calm state.  Some breathing exercises or ways to take a moment to self sooth so that he is able to think about how his actions might affect outcomes.  It will be a process that takes time, and you will need to remind him of those techniques sometimes when he's starting to feel stressed, but he will start to get into the habit and use them himself more often.

    You could even work on the techniques together and then ask him to remind you of them if he thinks you need help too.  This helps him to understand that everyone gets angry, but it's the reactions that are a problem.

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